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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I? Holiday related. Long. Probably.

81 replies

Exsilisreadingthis · 29/12/2013 13:43

I have n/c. Ex-SIL you're a cow and I hope you enjoy stalking me all over mn.

I hope some of you will recognise me.

My ex wants to take the kids on holiday. He wants to take them out of school right before dd has a gcse to sit. He also wants my permission. Because he can't take them without it.

This holiday is tentatively planned for April - Easter fortnight.

My mother has a terminal cancer diagnosis not quite 2 weeks ago with a median survival rate of 3 months.

I just told him no because I don't know what's happening with my mum and I don't want the kids far away and not able to get home for two weeks if something happens while they're away. So he wanted to know if she dies soon enough that he can still get it booked on time can he take them.

He says he's being logical. I think he can fuck off and then some.

I asked him to swap Christmas day because of the situation with mum and he refused.

Aibu to think I can't plan like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Exsilisreadingthis · 29/12/2013 14:38

You lot are making me cry. Thank fuck you get it. I feel so frustrated trying to get him to understand. But it's really a waste if energy and time, isn't it? He won't ever get it and actually if he never gets it it doesn't matter. I'm allowed to say no. And if that means the kids think I'm a big fat meanie well so what.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 29/12/2013 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Exsilisreadingthis · 29/12/2013 14:41

I never even thought of that Natasha

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 29/12/2013 14:42

You don't need to make him understand.

You just need to keep saying no.

FrankieStien · 29/12/2013 14:45

Sod him. Selfish knob that he is.

It doesn't matter if he understands or not. Just keep saying no (it's a complete sentence btw)

PS

up yours EXSIL

TheBigJessie · 29/12/2013 14:48

You're not being mean. You're being an adult. Planning a holiday when their grandmother is terminally ill is not going to be good for them. You have no idea how sensitive a time could coincide with that holiday and nor does he. If he wanted to think about the children, he'd realise that.

Also, I'm going to pull out one of my pet phrases because in RL people throttle me for saying it and MINUTE is the only place left: actions have consequences. He made a decision about Christmas. You told him the consequences. Four days later, he's trying it on again?! No. If he thinks he made a bad decision now, that's his problem.

If you are an arse to people and they react to it, you can't cry, "No, it's not fair!" afterwards and expect sympathy. He was an arse.

Original poster
Exsilisreadingthis · 29/12/2013 14:48

I don't actually know the maths gcse might be beg of June I'm not sure I could ring the school and ask

OP posts:
Original poster
Exsilisreadingthis · 29/12/2013 14:50

Yes to actions have consequences. I did TELL him -clearly and once in person in my kitchen and the other time on the phone when I phoned to beg him to change his mind.

And ex SIL since you're reading. He laid it at your door and said you refused to swap because you had to have Boxing Day with your family. Spineless git that he is he hid behind you and his mother. Oh my mummy is entitled to her Christmas Day and we can't change things at this late stage.

Fuck off. I'm angry with myself for begging him.

OP posts:
youarewinning · 29/12/2013 14:54

I remember your previous threads.

You made the right decision in your anger that you would no longer chance from the days as he wouldn't. So a simple that's not possible is fine. He'll fight harder at first as he's lost the control he had but then will realise you mean it.

The adult children can do as they please. You can't decide for them just tell them how you'll feel.

Iamsparklyknickers · 29/12/2013 14:55

Nope - he does get it, he's just an arse.

Giving him the benefit of stupidity is far to kind in your situation, your dealing with a twat not an IQ of 10.

When the exam actually is irrelevant, you don't need to go hunting for evidence, end of term date is the same as it was the beginning of September - no holidays till it's done. Simple.

ChasedByBees · 29/12/2013 14:58

He is an absolute wanker. Hold firm with your No to everything. How did your DC feel about missing the last Christmas with their grandmother? Could you hold another 'fake' Christmas? That was truly vile of him. It really doesn't sound like him or his family will ever get what it means to be reasonable or compassionate.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/12/2013 14:59

What a massive couple of cunts him and his sister are.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

Stay strong OP.

kickassangel · 29/12/2013 14:59

I doubt he really intends to take then away. It sounds like a sick game to cause you pain.

Can you get a cheap cell phone just for his messages? Turn it on once a day, text no then turn it off agin? That way you won't have to even know if he is messing with you. Block his number from any other phone you have.

You really just need to create an emotional vacuum between him and you, so none of this gets to you.

Or insist on all contact being via a solicitor, but that would be expensive. But if he keeps trying to contact you after you gave an answer it sounds like deliberate harassment and there are legal proceedings for that.

Original poster
Exsilisreadingthis · 29/12/2013 14:59

We had a great day on Boxing Day :)

And at least, as someone said on a previous thread, I will have the kids next year for Christmas Day. Which might be useful.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 29/12/2013 14:59

I remember your thread.

You are in no way, shape or form being unreasonable. Your ex is a first class cunt and if his family are stalking you on MN that shows just what kind of shitbags they are.

Stay strong, you are absolutely in the right.

Original poster
Exsilisreadingthis · 29/12/2013 15:01

I think he really genuinely can't see what is UR about wanting to take them. Either that or he is really cruel.

I can't decide which is worse - deliberate coldness and uncaring or actual cruelty.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 29/12/2013 15:01

tell him to fuck off he has set the precedence that things will not be changed or swapped so no and he can blame himself for being so fucking selfish and tell him he is worse than pond life on my account and if he wants a fight go to hell and do it there.

Then write a letter to the school letting them no you do not agree to him taking them away and if he doe abduct them abroad it will be against your wishes - copy in the LEA and your ex - that way they will struggle to fine you if he did take them away

NynaevesSister · 29/12/2013 15:03

YANBU

Also if he takes them out during term time BOTH parents are fined. Put it in writing to the school that you do not give permission for your ex to take them out in term time. Also, if you haven't already make an appointment with the head to find out exactly what you need to do to get authorised permission to take them out for funeral, last hospital visit and in particular what considerations need to be given for your son if this all happens just before or during GCSEs.

Then get legal advice on whether if the end comes when the children are with your ex, if he can prevent you collecting them. And if there is anything you can set in place now so he can't try and do that.

Because he will.

I am so so so sorry you are being put through this by this piece of dirt at such an awful time.

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2013 15:03

added to which who on earth wants to hurt their own children when there grandparent is dieting - how sick is that? Those children are going to really hate him and his family for this

LookingThroughTheFog · 29/12/2013 15:04

I've told him he can take them wherever he likes in his week but not in mine. He said he would come up with a proposal to compensate me for the lost time.

I missed this when I read previously. So he's under the impression that he can still swap days with your, and that you'd be happy to accept, what, money? to make up for not being with your children?

Is he hard of thinking?

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2013 15:04

sorry dying not dieting Blush

Original poster
Exsilisreadingthis · 29/12/2013 15:07

Lookingthroughthefog - I don't think he means money. I think he meant extra days. But as I said to him. If you're talking about me having them extra weekends so you get weekends off and I get a slew of weeks with no break you can think again.

Not that it's a bother to have them. But I do use the time I don't have them to see friends and the like. And he would more than likely suggest I have them 5 additional weekends. To make up the time.

What I am going to do is stick to the arrangement like shit to a blanket. No flexibility. Ever. Then he can't stick me with I broke an agreement. But no flexibility. At all. Ever.

OP posts:
fruitloop84 · 29/12/2013 15:14

He is clearly a shut! Sorry to hear about your mum. What did your children day about the whole Christmas thing? You need to stick to your guns

failingatlife · 29/12/2013 15:15

What a selfish horrible person your ex is Angry

Even if the Christmas refusal hadn't happened can't he see how insensitive he is being?? FFS, he wants to take your kids away on holiday when their grandmother is dying?? And is treating the fact that you don't know exactly when she will die as an inconvenience to him?? GGGRRR Makes me sooo Angry on your behalf ! Oh & that's before we even consider your DD's exam.

As for refusing to let your kids spend Christmas day with your mum, that is despicably cruel. What kind of people do that just to score points! Poor kids, to have a dad like that Sad

Stick to your guns, OP you owe this 'man' fuck all.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/12/2013 15:15

Good for you.

I would also write to the school explaining the situation and that you don't want your dd leaving school for the week he has planned and that you dont intend giving permission whatsoever.

/ to the shitster if she's reading.

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