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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I or is BIL?

56 replies

dontcallmemam · 29/12/2013 12:57

PIL live about an hours drive from us, BIL about 10 minutes from them.
We alternate Christmas my DP one year, PIL the other. This works well because BIL has his DD alternate years so our year is always the year that DN can be with his DF, GPs & cousins (our DC).

MIL loves Christmas & has always made a big fuss but in recent years she's found it too much so I've taken over the role, of which she is really appreciative.
This has now extended to most family get togethers and the expectation that I will host is now the norm. PIL are lovely people and are always grateful for the effort I make.
Now BIL pisses me off. He never tells me until the day before if he, his DD or his DG are coming. He has never hosted anything at his house. Ever. In 20 years.

I did once make a comment that it would be nice if he invited us to him. The excuses were- his house is too small, he's too busy looking after his DD (who's 17) at the weekend and that by the time he's finished work he's just too exhausted.
I work PT, have 2 DC & DH works horrendous hours.

PIL are very defensive of BIL. They think he's had bad luck shagging the bar maid when his DD was 3 months old was his ex wife's fault history of divorce, redundancy not as successful as his DB etc. He spends a lot of time at their house, he eats there 3 times a week. In his defence he does help them out quite a lot with heavy gardening. DH does not make much of an effort.

In March there is a big joint birthday. I'm expected to host again. AIBU to text BIL and ask him to do it? DH says BIL helps in other ways and that I'm being selfish to feel resentful.

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 29/12/2013 13:00

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to host you. And even if you were more pleasant about him, why should he?

CailinDana · 29/12/2013 13:01

If you don't want to host, don't. You can't force anyone else to do it.

Original poster
dontcallmemam · 29/12/2013 13:02

Because he's eaten about 500 meals here in 16 years and we've eaten none there?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/12/2013 13:03

Offer your home for hosting but ask him to provide all the catering (via M&S or whatever)?

picklesrule · 29/12/2013 13:04

what does your DH do in all this for his parents? Sounds like your BIL is close to them and repays them through labour and you do all the work for your side of the family? Its a bit rich of your DH to say that you are being selfish when it is his parents..does he help you with the hosting at all? If not I think he is your problem not BIL.

harriet247 · 29/12/2013 13:04

Yanbu-It is very tiring and expensive! I kindof read it that your are doing your dhs share iyswim? Would it br better to ask bil and dh yo take a couple days annual leave around that time so they can help with food/shopping/ cleanings

Tinkertaylor1 · 29/12/2013 13:04

I would start to feel pissed off too!

Can you not all go for meal instead!
I've had dh family here every day this Christmas and BIL only lived across the road!

Rachelicious · 29/12/2013 13:04

Refuse to host?

harriet247 · 29/12/2013 13:05

Pickles has it I think

cakebar · 29/12/2013 13:06

Just say you are not doing it and see what happens?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/12/2013 13:06

Host it at a hotel.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to do it, you can't make him if he's reluctant.

tumbletumble · 29/12/2013 13:07

YANBU not to want to host, but I don't think you should text BIL and ask him to do it. Say sorry you're not keen and let DH, PILs and BIL sort it out between them.

woodlandwanderwoman · 29/12/2013 13:09

If you were to "tell" him to host... I would think YABU. There could be any number of reasons he doesn't want to host including that he doesn't want his hosting to be compared to yours. Does he have a DP and do they host for anyone else, friends etc?

The best way might to:

a) ask him if he would like to host before offering to yourself (maybe he never felt like he really had the chance to?)

or

b) offer to have it at yours but suggest you plan and host it jointly (eg you do the food and house prep, he does maybe drinks / cake / music / entertainment etc). You should have very definite roles and work the costs out accordingly too.

Original poster
dontcallmemam · 29/12/2013 13:09

pickles DH does sod all. He thinks I shouldn't bother. But PIL are lovely people and if I don't do it no one will, which would be very sad for them.

Tinker we have been out for meals, which DH paid for. PIL are very tricky eaters and always complain that they could have better at home which is soul destroying when we've paid ££.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2013 13:10

What exactly is your DH's input when you host things?

I can see your point re your BIL in a way, but on the other hand, not everyone wants to host things and he does help them in other ways. If it's a cost thing, can you get him to provide the alcohol or something?

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 29/12/2013 13:11

What are the other ways in which he helps?

if you dont want to do it, dont do it. They then have no choice but to make alternative arrangements.

sunbathe · 29/12/2013 13:12

Why shouldn't you get to relax at the big joint birthday?

Choose a nice hotel and book there. Or better still, get dh and bil to choose and book!

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 29/12/2013 13:12

tell you dh that you are not doing it

and leave it to him

picklesrule · 29/12/2013 13:14

hmm.. in that case then I think you have to accept you are making the choice to host for your PIL benefit.. if there is any resentment I think it should be directed at your DH mostly. You sound like a lovely person wanting to make things nice for PIL, your DH is not coming off so well!

MellowAutumn · 29/12/2013 13:18

So you expect your Bil to live up to your expectations and what you do ? when your DH is the actual relative does nothing and cares even less? Oh and you Bil does do heavy gardening and visit then 3x a week ? yes YABU

MellowAutumn · 29/12/2013 13:19

But pickles is right you do sound nice just a bit judgy pants

Original poster
dontcallmemam · 29/12/2013 13:21

Fair enough. I accept IABU, I'll hold the party here and stop wingeing.
But I will ask DH to help.

OP posts:
MellowAutumn · 29/12/2013 13:24

;) - If there is something specific your Bil could do that might be a way to include him ?

Annonynon · 29/12/2013 13:30

I know it isn't always possible but I do think that if you agree to do something you should do it without resentment and being a martyr or not do it at all

You hosting and your bil hosting are two completely seperate things and you only have control of one of them

If you don't want to do it (and I wouldn't blame you at all) then don't but you can't decide that your bil is going to. The same with your DH, he has made a decision about the amount of effort he is going to put in- there is no reason you shouldn't do the same

Original poster
dontcallmemam · 29/12/2013 13:35

Anon you've hit the nail on the head. I do make a big effort and feel resentful that BIL doesn't help, but my martyrdom doesn't change anything.
I promise I'll do it with good grace.
Thanks all for the advice.

OP posts: