Am I or is BIL?

[dontcallmemam]

PIL live about an hours drive from us, BIL about 10 minutes from them.
We alternate Christmas my DP one year, PIL the other. This works well because BIL has his DD alternate years so our year is always the year that DN can be with his DF, GPs & cousins (our DC).

MIL loves Christmas & has always made a big fuss but in recent years she's found it too much so I've taken over the role, of which she is really appreciative.
This has now extended to most family get togethers and the expectation that I will host is now the norm. PIL are lovely people and are always grateful for the effort I make.
Now BIL pisses me off. He never tells me until the day before if he, his DD or his DG are coming. He has never hosted anything at his house. Ever. In 20 years.

I did once make a comment that it would be nice if he invited us to him. The excuses were- his house is too small, he's too busy looking after his DD (who's 17) at the weekend and that by the time he's finished work he's just too exhausted.
I work PT, have 2 DC & DH works horrendous hours.

PIL are very defensive of BIL. They think he's had bad luck shagging the bar maid when his DD was 3 months old was his ex wife's fault history of divorce, redundancy not as successful as his DB etc. He spends a lot of time at their house, he eats there 3 times a week. In his defence he does help them out quite a lot with heavy gardening. DH does not make much of an effort.

In March there is a big joint birthday. I'm expected to host again. AIBU to text BIL and ask him to do it? DH says BIL helps in other ways and that I'm being selfish to feel resentful.

Tell your husband, that he and his brother are hosting and organising a barbecue somewhere in march, and you will be happy to attend, leave them to it.

I think that you will feel bad if nothing happens, should you refuse to host (the most likely outcome by the sounds of it), so you should probably do the nice thing and host.

BUT. Make it contingent upon your BIL and DH doing some work - maybe sorting out the garden, building a conservatory if you don't already have one, that kind of thing. Tell your PILs that you are happy to host but these things NEED to be done in order for it to work, and you NEED your BIL's help, since he's able to do so much for your PILs, he can surely help you out too, as the party is FOR your PILs.

See how that goes for you.

Thumb- well intentioned but build a conservatory or I wont host a party ? Telling your adult BIL what he has to do if just plain mad - and he has time to help pil so he has time to help the op so she can help the pil is just bonkers.

you're feeling like this as you are the one picking up your husband's slack with his parents - his brother helps out with their house and your dh helps with social occasions - but you are doing the work.

I think you should say to BIL that you are happy to have it at your house but could BIL cook the main course, DH the puddings and you will organise drinks.

I wasn't suggesting the OP should tell her BIL these things. I was suggesting that she should tell her DH/ PILs that these "things" (whatever she decides) need doing and that her DH and BIL need to put some effort in, so that actually her DH's family do some of the work involved for her DH's family's benefit, iyswim.

What if the BIL is just not happy cooking a main course for that many people ???? Not everyone is a flipping chef or even confident cook ? cant see at any point the Bil has asked the op to host these events or any understanding of reciprocation. He does stuff for his pil and sees the 3x a week which is pretty good imo.

BIL once helped is DF build a green house 2 years ago and got their Christmas tree in, he certainly doesn't do more than an hour a month for them. He has his meals round there regularly, because he lives alone during the week.
DH does stuff all. Both sons are worshipped.
maddening, you're right, I'm compensating for them having 2 fairly useless sons. But if it makes them happy it's the right thing to do once I stop being such a martyr about it

Bit rich of your DH to call you selfish, when you've been catering for his family for 20 yrs! Does BIL ever even offer to contribute financially? Catering for joint party is not cheap. If he's too busy, maybe he could pay for caterers??

Why does anyone else get to decide for an adult what their contribution to their parents lives should be is the whole essence of this ? Perhaps everyone should ask their Sil what they think they should be doing ?

You say his reasons are excuses. Maybe he is right? Maybe he thinks his house is too small. Maybe he cannot afford it.

He is allowed to hold opinions about his own affairs. Tbh you sound rather generally judgy of him. He may be a dick but he could also be right about this stuff.

So Mellow, what you're effectively saying that it's perfectly ok for the BIL to bludge off his parents 3 times a week and his SIL (the OP) every Christmas with absolutely no reciprocation (apart from the odd bit of help for his parents) and no expectation of any reciprocation because he's an adult? Is that right?

Look, I've accepted IABU. I've taken it on the chin.

Dont - sorry should have said my posts weren't aimed at you at all - as you said you have accepted with good grace and do what you do because you are a lovely person and acknolage its your choice.

Thumb - he see 's the pil 3 times a week and that includes food - you may see it as bludging perhaps they see it as seeing and socialising with their son. He also does heavy gardening for them and probably other bits and pieces. The op choses to host events - her dh does nothing at what point do her choices mean she gets to tell the bil what to do ? I am saying its ok for adults to make their choices but its not ok for them to make choices for other people.

Don'tcallmemam I think you sound lovely and I hope my post didn't come across too harshly

Fwiw while I do think it would be U to decide for bil what he wants to do, I do also think the situation hasn't been fair on you and I don't think you should continue picking up the slack for your DH and bil

You are not being unreasonable at all; what I would do is to refuse to volunteer and when someone asks, throw it back and ask what ARE their sons arranging for them or is it a big surprise that nobody is meant to know about nod nod wink wink say no more.

I can see exactly why you feel pissed off with your BIL but I think you are right with acknowledging that you were BU.

I have similar things go on with my DH family and have realised that it's better for me to try and not let it bother me. still pisses me off though

I agree with suggestions that you make your DH help a bit more and that you consider getting your BIL to provide some of the food or drink.

You should also make sure that you make things as easy as possible for yourself. I love being a good host but I try not to go OTT

How about this then:
You all go over to PILs on a day when you know BIL will be there and announce brightly that you are there to plan this big party, and sort out who will be able to do what towards it.
Have some suggestions to hand - e.g. BIL could fund the drinks, BIL could bring some food, etc. etc. - see if he can wriggle out of helping in any way at all then, especially in front of his parents.
Use the same tactic on your DH of course - so his parents can see exactly who is putting what into this party.
And then if they both refuse to do anything, it would be nice to think that the PILs would realise what a pair of lazy ingrates they are.

Oh, OP I was you!!! when my ex and his huge family (54 close family) needed to get together it was always me who hosted and I must admist I did start to resent it as we didn't always have to biggest home and if it suited one of his siblings one year they would 'take inlaws' but couldn't do the rest of us!!
You sound very lovely - I decided to go with the flow and accept that I was the 'hostess' of the family we would end up with 20plus sleeping over!!!
I'd do what you plan by hosting but suggest right from now that its up to DH and BIL to provide the food and drinks!!!

How about not trying to manipulate or humiliate other adults ? I'm sure her pil know who do the work . Asking her Bil to help is fine - trying to make a shit family situation is again just bonkers.

How is a son who visits and helps with gardening a lazy ingrate? He just doesn't want to host a bloody party.

Oh mellow, you're all for letting the BIL get away with everything, aren't you.
Did you read what he does? Hardly qualifies him as son of the year, although it's better than the OP's DH's contribution, by all accounts.

SHAMING them into helping is not unreasonable in my book if they can't be arsed to decide to help off their own backs.

And as the OP has already said that both sons are worshipped despite their laziness, I don't believe that the PILs DO "know who does all the work".

"I do make a big effort and feel resentful that BIL doesn't help"

He does, in a way he knows matters (them being his parents).

My Dsis probably underestimates what I do for my Mum and how I rearrange my time.

It probably does look like I an going places, or have nothing else to do, when I am with my Mum, but in truth I am spending the time that I do with her, because it keeps her going, both physically and emotionally.

Once a week, she goes out shopping independently and gets a taxi home, I give her a few items to pick up for me, because I know it makes her feel useful, still.

I don't resent it, but it is a strain.

I think you are underestimating what your BIL does, tbh.

You have decided these get together a are important for your PIL, so you arrange them, you can ask for help, but when the sons of your PIL say that they don't think you should bother, either do it yourself (you can have words with your DH) but you have no right to dictate to your BIL.

Tell your DH that he has to have more input into his parents lives/happiness. Take it from there, your BIL probably keeps them going and you put the icing on the cake.

I couldn't host a party, we go to my Mums or eldest DD's, my house is to small, I don't have a kitchen table, because of my dog.
As said, he may not cook to his patents satisfaction.

Your MIL may not like the idea of her son having to cook, he helps her still feel useful (probably) you may find it all backfires if you carry on the route you want to take.

Thumb - getting away with it ? No I just don't judge everyone by what I think they should be doing because of what I choose to do. And manipulative 'shaming' behaviour is just a bit beyond for a reasonable adult don't you think ? trying to create family trouble - because that's what it will do, because someone does not do what I think they should do even though they obviously do enough to 'please' the pil is very narcissistic. The op is more likely to be frozen out by her pil than thanked by them that's for sure if she sets her husband and bil up.

'Tell your DH that he has to have more input into his parents lives/happiness. Take it from there, your BIL probably keeps them going and you put the icing on the cake.'

Birds beautifully put