Am I or is BIL?

[dontcallmemam]

PIL live about an hours drive from us, BIL about 10 minutes from them.
We alternate Christmas my DP one year, PIL the other. This works well because BIL has his DD alternate years so our year is always the year that DN can be with his DF, GPs & cousins (our DC).

MIL loves Christmas & has always made a big fuss but in recent years she's found it too much so I've taken over the role, of which she is really appreciative.
This has now extended to most family get togethers and the expectation that I will host is now the norm. PIL are lovely people and are always grateful for the effort I make.
Now BIL pisses me off. He never tells me until the day before if he, his DD or his DG are coming. He has never hosted anything at his house. Ever. In 20 years.

I did once make a comment that it would be nice if he invited us to him. The excuses were- his house is too small, he's too busy looking after his DD (who's 17) at the weekend and that by the time he's finished work he's just too exhausted.
I work PT, have 2 DC & DH works horrendous hours.

PIL are very defensive of BIL. They think he's had bad luck shagging the bar maid when his DD was 3 months old was his ex wife's fault history of divorce, redundancy not as successful as his DB etc. He spends a lot of time at their house, he eats there 3 times a week. In his defence he does help them out quite a lot with heavy gardening. DH does not make much of an effort.

In March there is a big joint birthday. I'm expected to host again. AIBU to text BIL and ask him to do it? DH says BIL helps in other ways and that I'm being selfish to feel resentful.

Thumb, my ex DP did all the household maintenance in his patents house (and quite a bit for wider family) I don't think that the rest if the family quite appreciated how much time it took and how much the cost would of been for them to pay repairs.

I would be mightily pissed off (and am) when anyone tells me what my (now adult) children should be doing for me.

I still "mother" them.

Unless the PILs are bothered, no- one should be forced to do anything (except the OPs DH), the OP has taken this upon herself.

In the future they will need more hands on care/supervision who will provide this, if the dynamics change?

It provides a safety net for elderly parents if a adult male is often at their house, in lots of ways.

Well probably everyone's putting their own projection into this, aren't they. I know I am - having a completely feckless BIL who brings NOTHING good to the table, and certainly doesn't provide any kind of safety net for elderlyish MIL by living at her house. Far from it - she's had to call the police and have him removed a couple of times. And yes, he's a bludger by nature - only works when he has to or feels like it, and spends the rest of the time sponging off MIL. She moans and complains about it but unless he's actively threatening her, she lets him stay, much to DH's disgust.

So on that point, I will bow out and leave the OP to decide how she will deal with the situation.

Glad you understand your projecting - a 'do you know I'm wrong would also be good for your' further understanding

Well since you're getting patronising now, perhaps it would be good for your understanding to understand that too.

Sorry have reported the post myself

dontcallme - would it be possible to take the party away from your house but still be catered to the PIL's tastes?

My friends hired a fort for a week (£150) and brought their own food and everyone pitched in. Surely DH and BIL will have to help if its all in together? I'm not saying a fort or an expensive cottage, but it takes the onus on your hosting.