To think if you find something negative about yourself online, MAYBE you are wrong?

[newsecretidentity]

You may notice this is a spanking new registration, but I'm not a newbie or a troll.

I just want to ask, hypothetically, if you log onto a website (like, say, Mumsnet, maybe) and find something written about yourself, then perhaps it's your own fault for snooping?

Maybe if the op posts something like "AIBU to think that Joe Bloggs, who lives at 1234 Twatbag Crescent is a Prize Arse" , you may have a point.

But if the OP is posting anonymously, on an anonymous forum, and you make an effort to find out what she/he's written-- then do you still get to have a hissy fit about what you find?

Is there any excuse for searching for a person's posts and confronting them in RL about what you find? Never mind how you found out their username in the first place...

Or, does monitoring someone's online activity possibly mean you just might be a stalker?

The latter.

Sorry, "stalker" should have been "stalky fucker".

It makes you a stalker.

If you're having to ask yourself this, you already know the answer.

Reminds me of that new "not all abuse is physical" ad they're showing on TV at the moment.

It's sad to be in a situation to have to ask yourself this, and it's even sadder if your mind is so mixed up that you even wonder.

Ya right OP. My head hurts to even think about the situation. It's so convoluted and mixed up on all levels.

Stalky, stalky fucker.

for you if this is rl drama for you.

Stalker. But I may have a little sympathy if perhaps the poster has been very two faced, telling Joe Bloggs he/she thinks they are great and encouraging him t0 do A, B and C, but then post about how Joe Bloggs is a prize arse, and cite Joe doing A, B and C as examples of him being an arse.

But even then, the old saying about eavesdroppers is ever true, and Joe should know better than to go snooping!

I guess it depends on whether what was written is true.

I have nothing useful to add to this, except thankyou for posting.

Now, dh, if you read this you will see the general consensus is that your behaviour is out of order.

I don't even feel easy with those weirdos who do advanced searches to pursue a point or bring shit up about a poster on a different thread. It's just not cricket, somehow.

how do they know it's them? Can you deny?

Honestly I'm a bit torn on this, this site is huge so the chances of someone you know also using it must be fairly high and any illusion of privacy is just that, an illusion.If I knew someone was talking about me (or slagging me off) online I probably would be tempted to look, I don't think looking on a public forum that is accessible to all is snooping

But on the other hand there is something a bit creepy about following someone around online to see what they have written when you know they wouldn't want you reading it

I don't know. If you actively looked then maybe it is stalking, maybe not...

I came across, purely by accident, a post written about me on here. I did look up this person's other posts to see what else they had said. It's all jealousy about my lifestyle and way of living and how they know (they really don't) it's very different from the perfect image I present.

I haven't confronted and never would (this person is nasty and a real online stalker). I smile sweetly when I see them and they have no idea I'm aware. I name change often on here now, however, and sometimes for different topics.

Gosh summerlands what a situation. How magnanimous and retrained of you to do the smile sweetly thing. I'm sure many people would not be able to.

Surely it's human nature to find out what has been written about you on a public forum, if you know something has? It wouldn't make you into a stalker, as far as I'm concerned, just normal.

As to whether it's true or not, that's a tough call when you're talking about feelings. If I post "Hecate stole my mooncup", that's demonstrably true or false. But if I post "I'm unsure how to deal with this situation, I feel that something isn't right", then I'm posting about my perspective and others can disagree.

As to the illusion of privacy on such a big site, for me the safety is in the size of it. With so many threads on so many topics, it's easier to be anonymous. The chances of my next door neighbour stumbling across a post and twigging that it's me are slim, unless I''m posting about my rare and valuable collection of signed, stuffed, garden emus.

But hundreds of people post about their DP or EX or MIL every day. So on a site this big, how the hell do you know that's me unless you've done something shady to find out my username/registration details?

It depends. If I stumbled across something obviously written about me I would do an advanced search to find out what else had been said. I wouldn't actively set out to discover though.

I agree with Bowlersarm. If I was convinced something on here was about me, I'd be straight onto advanced search. It's my nature though to examine what I might have done wrong to contribute to the negative perception of me, rather than immediately start hissyfitting.

I doubt very much whether I would hissyfit or let on at all, depending on the person. I'd more than likely take the summerlands approach, see what else this person has been saying, mark their card and not let on I know it's them.

If someone's confronted you in RL, OP, perhaps just be glad its out in the open and you have had the opportunity to n/c and defend yourself....

Surely this is why posters change details. So a situation isn't instantly recognisable to anyone.

So basically, you've posted something that is quite generic, which ought not to really give you away, and yet someone has discovered it's you? So you assume they know it's you because they've done loads of searching around you previous posts on MN? Or you think they've hacked your ilpad or something?

If it's the former (searching your MN posts), then I think it is fair dues - understandable if you read a post and think hmm this sounds very familiar, then you run a search on the user and loads of other things ring true, then that's pretty normal IMO. If on the other hand someone reads a post that rings true then "does something shady" (i.e. hacks your emails/takes possession of your device etc) then that's a bit dodgy...

If I was on mn and stumbled across something that was obviously about me and was pretty unpleasant then you can be damn sure I would want to know who had posted it. I don't believe that anyone wouldnt want to know. Whether I confronted them would depend on my relationship with them and what was being discussed.

If you post on a public forum you run the risk of your posts being read. That's sort of how it works, nothing stalker about it.

I do feel sad that someone was upset by what I wrote. But it was NOT a chance stumbling across. I'm unclear as to the extent of the "snooping". It may be that they somehow guessed my username, or logged in to my account with my ail address (having guessed my password), or used a key logger to capture what I write. But they didn't just happen across something I wrote and recognise themselves.

*email address