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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you find something negative about yourself online, MAYBE you are wrong?

59 replies

newsecretidentity · 29/12/2013 09:51

You may notice this is a spanking new registration, but I'm not a newbie or a troll.

I just want to ask, hypothetically, if you log onto a website (like, say, Mumsnet, maybe) and find something written about yourself, then perhaps it's your own fault for snooping?

Maybe if the op posts something like "AIBU to think that Joe Bloggs, who lives at 1234 Twatbag Crescent is a Prize Arse" , you may have a point.

But if the OP is posting anonymously, on an anonymous forum, and you make an effort to find out what she/he's written-- then do you still get to have a hissy fit about what you find?

Is there any excuse for searching for a person's posts and confronting them in RL about what you find? Never mind how you found out their username in the first place...

Or, does monitoring someone's online activity possibly mean you just might be a stalker?

OP posts:
Meerkatwhiskers · 29/12/2013 11:10

Def creepy stalker. And their own fault. An ex friend of mine after we weren't talking found my account on another parenting website that I used the infertility board on. I had posted years ago a stupid comment she once made to me about infertility and she had dug up the post and bitched about how I should have told her at the time blah blah. Ended up getting my account deleted as soon as I found out as there was stuff on her that was none of her business. Also meant I had to change my username on every internet thing I use, as used the same username, to stop her cyberstalking me. Creepy.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 29/12/2013 11:16

I swear i havent been anywhere near your mooncup Grin

but seriously , if someone - and i assume it must be someone you live with given you talk of keyloggers - takes offence at your feelings then they are unreasonable.

If you were saying theyd done or said something and they hdnt, thats one thing but if youre saying for example i feel neglected or low priority then its not for anyone to tell you you dont feel that way.

frogspoon · 29/12/2013 11:35

I think if someone is intentionally snooping, it serves them right for snooping. But if they stubble across it by accident, not really their fault.

Occasionally I come across situations that sound like me, except some of the details are slightly different. So either its a similar situation and coincidence, or people really are writing about me but changing a few key things to cover themselves. I guess I will never know.

If I were in the position that I knew a particular person was writing negative things about me, I would do what summerlands did (find out everything I could, but act as tough I knew nothing). If I felt there was something I could do to improve the situation (if I was in the wrong) I might try and improve that, and monitor the person's response.

I absolutely would not confront them, I do not want to appear a stalker (even if I secretly am one!)

somethingchristmassy · 29/12/2013 11:48

Depends completely. Obviously it's not right to look at online activity but if someone's behaved in a way that leads to suspicion over a long period of time, and the opportunity to find out what was going on presented itself, I think most people would look.

As an example, if you suspected your partner was having an affair, and kept finding clues, and got nowhere by asking him, just evasive explanations - then if you knew he didn't log out of his email and you copuld find out the truth that way, it would take a strong person not to look.

Also depends what the person finds, whether the crime of looking is greater than the betrayal of what was said.

So...not good to snoop online, not good to slag people off behind their back and lie to them either.

Dumpylump · 29/12/2013 12:01

Well. My dsis is a mnetter, we have often chatted about various threads that we have seen on here....but I don't know her username, and as far as I know, I have never read a post about me by her, or actually, even one that she's written, (she hangs about S&B a fair bit, I think - I'm more slovenly).
DP on the other hand, did discover my last username - hence the change - and challenged me about posts I had written on step parenting threads about struggling sometimes with his daughters. So, dp, if you're reading this....my inability to assist you as you'd like is your own fault, since I no longer look for any advice on bloody Mumsnet. Ok?
I suppose my point is, that in my opinion, we are all anonymous until someone goes deliberately snooping/stalking, and I don't understand what would motivate that.

Original poster
newsecretidentity · 29/12/2013 12:05

That's good food for thought. Can I ask, why is the onus on the OP to be truthful or fair? If you're posting on an anonymous forum, in your own house, on your own computer, that isn't naming or trolling anyone, can't you write whatever the frock you want?

I've seen plenty of indignant posts about twattish neighbours, annoying teachers and IL's all over the place. Should people really be called to account for posting those things, and whether it's fair to the other parties?

OP posts:
HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 29/12/2013 12:13

Well, nobody likes to be lied about. If you do become aware that someone is being untruthful or unfair, it is human nature to want to defend yourself.
even if you shouldnt have been looking in the first place!

PrincessFlirtyPants · 29/12/2013 12:14

Could it be a (very) lucky guess?

Fairenuff · 29/12/2013 12:15

It's worth bearing in mind that anything you post is public so you can't really complain if someone takes exception to it.

However, you are allowed to express your opinion and ask for advice so I would say name change for sensitive/identifying stuff and use a regular name for other random posts.

I try not to post anything I wouldn't say irl anyway. It just keeps it simple.

IDoBelieveInFairiesIDoIDo · 29/12/2013 12:20

The anonymity that MN provides is essential for people seeking support on many issues. People using it to bitch is a necessary consequence I suppose. I wouldn't post anything unkind about anyone online and more fool me if I was caught doing so.
Obviously underhand techniques shouldn't be used to out someone but doing an advanced search is just a logical check for anyone who thinks they recognise themselves in a post.

Being at home on your own computer is a poor excuse for being hurtful.

HearMyRoar · 29/12/2013 12:20

Of course you can write whatever you like but you are basically in a public place so you must except the risk that the person you are talking g about can and might find out. I think it is just silly to post on a public website and then throw a strop because someone reads it.

Original poster
newsecretidentity · 29/12/2013 12:43

Whether something is fair or hurtful or truthful can be very dependent on perspective. For example, ( oh, so hypothetically) "I feel that X behaviour is emotionally abusive", the statement won't FEEL true for the person engaging in that behaviour.

Should I feel bad for posting that someone is behaving like a douchebag, or should they just maybe not be a douchebag in the first place?

OP posts:
happygirl87 · 29/12/2013 12:47

I found DP's ex on a parenting site (not this one). She had posted where they lived, referred to DSD by her first initial and her first name was part of her user name, so as soon as I stumbled across the first post I knew it was her. I have to say, I did then read some of her other posts, and found plenty of horrible stuff about me and DP.

After that I felt sick, and have not been back on that site since. That was when I found MN instead. I've no idea if she uses this site, but I hope I dont recognise her if she does- I don't want either of us to be in that position.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 29/12/2013 12:48

I think that it could be better used as a way to open an honest dialogue. Now they know how they are seen, maybe they will be willing to listen to why, and the person who sees them that way might listen to why they feel their behaviour is justified.

cos otherwisr, its just sulks and strops and lots of you shouldnt have done x well why did you do y and that wont solve anything.

so, assuming there can be reasonable communication, maybe this could turn out to be a positive thing?
[hopeful]

HearMyRoar · 29/12/2013 12:52

You dont have to feel bad about it if that is what you feel but you just need to remember that this is a public forum so you run the risk of your post being found and that person may have a view on the matter.

I think them not excepting they are a douchebag is a slightly different matter.

SarahAndFuckTheResolutions · 29/12/2013 12:55

OP are you are living with this person?

lougle · 29/12/2013 13:01

I don't know, actually. I think that if you write something on a forum and then someone finds out that you did and finds that post and it causes you RL grief, it's your own fault. Hence I don't write anything on MN (or anywhere online) that I wouldn't be happy about if that person discovered it. It does mean that there are many things I'd like to vent about or talk through which I can't, but it's safer that way.

DoingItForMyself · 29/12/2013 14:07

If the situation is your DP or H snooping because you've posted for advice on your relationship then he is a stalky fucker.

I posted about an issue with DP a while back. I have a sneaky feeling his SIL may be a MNer and he made a jokey comment which referred to something in my thread a few days after we'd got back together.

In that instance I was happy to think he may have either been snooping (probably couldn't be arsed to read it all though!) or at least had the lowdown from SIL. He took on board what I'd felt and said and we sorted it out.

If I'd seen something he'd written about me that explained why he'd wanted to end our relationship, I'd have to think long and hard about changing or improving if I wanted to stay with him. I wouldn't be cross with him for sharing or asking others for advice though.

rabbitlady · 29/12/2013 15:22

i'm fortunate in that i don't actually care what anyone writes about me on mumsnet (which is a good thing, considering what has been written in the past).

my daughter is a mner, sometimes. she was here first. sometimes i search her posts, if i'm missing her in real life. she's my baby. i'm interested in her.

themaltesefalcon · 29/12/2013 16:00

I think I saw an in-law posting on here, but deliberately didn't do an Advanced Search to confirm it because it seemed far too stalkery-fuckery.

Original poster
newsecretidentity · 29/12/2013 16:54

I don't live with the person now, but I used to. Hacking my emails did play a part in our split, as did what I would consider to be emotional abuse--although I understand that he may not see it that way.

It wasn't a lucky guess. There were two different threads (referred to) under two different usernames, only one of which related to him in any way. Some suspicious activity on my email account at the same time indicates that a key logger was installed on my computer last year before I left-- so someone else has been reading everything I do online for the past year.

It was just the Mumsnet thread (or rather, the response to it) that gave it away.

I guess what I take from this is the old rule, "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything"

That does make it hard to ask for help or advice when you are unsure of yourself, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
newsecretidentity · 31/12/2013 19:50

Update: I had my computer scanned, and found that it has, in fact, been loaded with key logging software. It's been there over a year. So even though i moved out months ago, he's been able to see everything I type, screenshots, etc. the only thing I can do is wipe the computer, start again, and hope it sorts it.

I appreciate what people say about it not being fun to read negative stuff about yourself online... This whole thing makes me feel like I can't seek support anywhere.

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 31/12/2013 20:05

You need to report the key logging programme to the police then. If its one without your permission on your computer, its illegal. Don't wipe your PC before reporting to the police (101).

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 31/12/2013 20:07

Crikey. That is not just browsing online is it?
surely that crosses over into stalking?

PrincessFlirtyPants · 31/12/2013 20:12

Bloody hell! That's a disgusting invasion of your privacy.