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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this piss you off? Dp lying

60 replies

Dollslikeyouandme · 29/12/2013 00:31

A few things lately dp has 'lied' about have really got to me.

First thing, there was a major problem with his car, don't understand entirely but it was to do with an oil leak and he shouldn't have been and hadn't been using it at all until fixed.

On the day of his sisters wedding he was given certain errands as usher and risked using the car.

After the wedding his aunt and uncle started asking him to do some fairly time consuming DIY for them, he was going along with it and I pointed out that he'd probably want to get his car sorted first.

They asked what was up with the car and he said absolutely nothing, denied any knowledge that there was a problem.

Second thing, we're completely skiny, he's in debt, Boxing Day his dad ask if he'd like to go skiing in March, it will 'only' cost a grand. Dp says yeah, yeah sure. Later on I ask why he agreed to go when he knows we won't have the money. He tried to pretend his dad meant next year, 2015, he didn't, then he said its easier just to say yes then make an excuse later to keep his dad quiet.

Third thing we were visiting my sister yesterday. I've had some car trouble which is fixed, but we think there's a problem with either the front brakes or possibly a wheel bearing, as its making a noise for some time now, dp and I have discussed this at great length about getting it checked if it gets worse, listened out for the noise. Do even had the wheel off recently.

Dbil asked if my car was ok now, and I said it was aside from the ongoing problem. Dbil asked dp what was wrong and dp denied any knowledge of the problem.

The conversation went a bit like this.

Me-you know the noise by the front wheel.

Dp-what noise

Me-you know the one we've been hearing for ages, you thought it may be the front brakes or a wheel bearing

Dp-I having heard any noise

Me-you had the wheel off other day

Dp-I don't know you didn't tell me

It was getting uncomfortable then do I left it at that.

He does this a fair bit, why?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dollslikeyouandme · 29/12/2013 00:38

Other thing seems quite trivial but when at sisters dbil and I got into a conversation about Sky TV, I was saying I'd like to get rid of Sky and have free view but thing I'd need an aerial.

Again dp and I have discussed this in length. There's an aerial in the loft but dp thinks it won't be working and we've never tried it tbh. Dp said it would be too costly to get an aerial fitted right now etc.

Dbil said to me I've probably already got a working aerial and to try it, dp went along with this and then started saying how it wouldn't be a lot to have an aerial fitted anyway etc.

This was despite what he'd said to me previously.

If I call him on it I end up looking like a petty weirdo.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 29/12/2013 00:41

That sounds like gaslighting, but to what ends I could't begin to imagine.

It's not something I would put up with.

AgentZigzag · 29/12/2013 00:43

The first two could be passed off as him playing things down/being a people pleaser and going along with things.

But with the third one, unless he'd genuinely forgotten he'd taken the wheel off and was trying to save face by denying it, the out and out lying would annoy me just for the fact that he did it in front of someone else making you out to be...what? Making it up?

Is it a recent thing or have you just not noticed when he's done it before?

YouTheCat · 29/12/2013 00:49

He doesn't know whether he's coming or going. Sounds like he's trying not to appear to be skint to family.

Is he okay generally? Sounds stressed.

Original poster

Dollslikeyouandme · 29/12/2013 00:52

He's done it many times before although I can't think off the top of my head. I can think of a slightly different example.

I do think that there's an element of trying to please his family initially then avoiding later. But the fact that he can't just be honest drives me up the wall.

The situation with dbil, I don't know, I know for sure he hadn't forgotten about the car problem.

The other example was something from quite a while ago. I suggested we have a barbecue and he said 'what's the point you don't even eat meat', the fact is that I do eat various types of meat and seen as we eat together each day there's no way of him not knowing.

When I said wtf if course I eat meat, the response I got was that I was causing an argument, making an issue out of nothing.

OP posts:

SashaOfSiberia · 29/12/2013 00:55

It sounds like he really doesn't seem to want to get into conversations with people, he sounds a total people pleaser (not necessarily his fault) maybe he either says this because he wants to avoid making a fuss or having a conversation with these people OR he says things to you, to keep you happy or act like he knows what's he's talking about then gets caught short when you bring it up in front of others as he doesn't want it revealed he's spun you a load of old bollocks.

The first two things, are to do I with his family, and not something I think you should interfere with. Him using the car, not sharing details with his relatives or managing his dad should be decisions he makes. I might have said something like "I thought you we're skint?" But would press it no further than that.

The brake problem and the aerial directly involve you so yes I would find it strange. What did he say when you asked him about it? Has he given an explanation?

RustyHalo · 29/12/2013 00:55

The examples you've given all seem to involve money/expenses & I wondered if he was embarrassed about being skint & not being able to get problems with the car fixed straight away, not being able to afford to go skiing or get a new aerial. Rather than lose face he makes out he isn't aware there's anything wrong.

Original poster

Dollslikeyouandme · 29/12/2013 00:56

Bit stressed, I'd say socially awkward and gets anxious in social situations. Definitely tries to save face which drives me mad. There's just no need in front of our families.

Alternatively I hope he's not trying to make me look stupid, lying does seem to come too easy to him.

OP posts:

iggymama · 29/12/2013 00:57

Does he have problems with his memory or concentration generally? Does he forget things involving other people or just you?

AgentZigzag · 29/12/2013 00:57

Just seen your second post OP.

Everyone says something one day and the opposite the next at some time in their lives, but it's the fact he's noticeably doing it a lot which I would worry (?) about.

Do you think it's deliberate or just forgetful?

Your examples are all in front of someone else, is he going with the flow or doing it because he's insecure and wants to be portrayed in a good light?

Jolleigh · 29/12/2013 00:57

How long have you been together? The one about not eating meat is just plain odd.

Have you not just asked him why he keeps telling stupid lies?

delilahlilah · 29/12/2013 00:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster

Dollslikeyouandme · 29/12/2013 01:00

Sasha, the reason the stuff regarding his car and skiing wind me up is because they do impact on me.

If he wrecks the car by driving it in that way it will impact on us both, skiing, we will struggle to afford a weekend in the UK as a family yet he's signing up to go skiing.

When I pulled him on the stuff at dsis and bil I was shushed and told not to cause an argument.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 29/12/2013 01:01

X-posts again.

That could explain it then, he doesn't want other people to think ill of him and will do anything to get away from having to worry about how he comes across.

Only you will know whether he's doing it to make you look stupid.

I can guarantee that DH would never try to make me look/feel a twat, I know it for a fact, does you not knowing whether he would say something?

Objection · 29/12/2013 01:01

It sounds like he's embarrassed about your money situation - all of the things you listed had something to do with money/lack of money/spending money

can people stop immediately jumping to the abusive partner assumption on such little information?

Objection · 29/12/2013 01:02

hmm... The meat thing not money related - that's probably him just being a bit thick. My oh does similar a lot

YouTheCat · 29/12/2013 01:05

He sounds really socially troubled and like he doesn't know what to say when put on the spot.

I'd cut him some slack and talk to him about it alone and in as less pressured environment as possible.

AgentZigzag · 29/12/2013 01:06

I don't think one mention of gaslighting is people immediately jumping on the abusive partner assumption Objection.

But how could you know it's not anyway?

That's for the OP to decide.

AgentZigzag · 29/12/2013 01:07

'Socially troubled'

Great way of describing me it.

tallwivglasses · 29/12/2013 01:10

'Shushed'?

Bossy little twat, isn't he.

Original poster

Dollslikeyouandme · 29/12/2013 01:10

The meat thing was a few years ago but he still should have known. It sticks out because he does/says similar things quite a lot. Like he claims he doesn't know how to use the planner on Sky, of course he does when it's his programmes.

Going by the responses I will just put it down to him being a people pleaser.

Zigzag I should probably know for sure that he wouldn't intentionally make me look stupid/a liar. So the fact I question it is a concern.

I'm not going to say I never lie, but generally I say what I mean and mean what I say. I try to own my decisions, and I know my family will never judge me on how much money I have, or whether I'm having car trouble. So I cannot understand why he would feel the need to save face.

We're total opposites in that sense.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 29/12/2013 01:10

As a 'socially troubled' person, I thought so too.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/12/2013 01:11

Is he older? Could this be dementia? It sounds very odd.

Original poster

Dollslikeyouandme · 29/12/2013 01:13

Tallwivglasses, when I want to raise things that he's not comfortable discussing I'm 'causing an argument', perhaps I am but I prefer to get it all out than quietly seethe.

OP posts:

SashaOfSiberia · 29/12/2013 01:14

I still think that its choice on how he chooses to manage his family. You may feel there is no need for it in front of families but maybe he does. I don't actually support his behaviour but I'd be really annoyed if my up dh started questioning why I had said something to my mum or why I had not told my sister something.

Also it sounds like social awkwardness, I'd cut him some slack in front of his family and just ask him to be more cooperative supportive with yours if it bothers you so much.

I'm sure you're nice but you sound a bit hard work, in a harmless way, remembering all these things in minute detail. He probably just meant you aren't a big meat eater or something similar, then that you took it so literally he took it as a bit aggressive?

You two obviously have different approaches, yours seems more literal and upfront so perhaps there is a lot of miscommunication between you both.

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