Would this piss you off? Dp lying

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A few things lately dp has 'lied' about have really got to me.

First thing, there was a major problem with his car, don't understand entirely but it was to do with an oil leak and he shouldn't have been and hadn't been using it at all until fixed.

On the day of his sisters wedding he was given certain errands as usher and risked using the car.

After the wedding his aunt and uncle started asking him to do some fairly time consuming DIY for them, he was going along with it and I pointed out that he'd probably want to get his car sorted first.

They asked what was up with the car and he said absolutely nothing, denied any knowledge that there was a problem.

Second thing, we're completely skiny, he's in debt, Boxing Day his dad ask if he'd like to go skiing in March, it will 'only' cost a grand. Dp says yeah, yeah sure. Later on I ask why he agreed to go when he knows we won't have the money. He tried to pretend his dad meant next year, 2015, he didn't, then he said its easier just to say yes then make an excuse later to keep his dad quiet.

Third thing we were visiting my sister yesterday. I've had some car trouble which is fixed, but we think there's a problem with either the front brakes or possibly a wheel bearing, as its making a noise for some time now, dp and I have discussed this at great length about getting it checked if it gets worse, listened out for the noise. Do even had the wheel off recently.

Dbil asked if my car was ok now, and I said it was aside from the ongoing problem. Dbil asked dp what was wrong and dp denied any knowledge of the problem.

The conversation went a bit like this.

Me-you know the noise by the front wheel.

Dp-what noise

Me-you know the one we've been hearing for ages, you thought it may be the front brakes or a wheel bearing

Dp-I having heard any noise

Me-you had the wheel off other day

Dp-I don't know you didn't tell me

It was getting uncomfortable then do I left it at that.

He does this a fair bit, why?

Your first sentence makes me think of people who, when they know certain 'facts' about you, will hang on like grim death to that knowledge despite the info being 10/20 years old.

Like when children are into a certain hobby and that comes to define them long term, still being bought hedgehog ornaments when they're 25 because they collected them when they were 9.

But that'd mean he should remember what went on with the car/you're skiny skint/you eat meat.

What is it that makes you question him? Are you suspecting he sees you as legit collateral when it comes to 'saving' him from any social situation? That he cares less about your feelings than his own/his audiences?

I wouldn't let things pass if I noticed the person wasn't telling the truth and it regularly involved me Sasha.

Why would you do that?

So, your sister and BIL clearly knew that there was an issue with your wheel, but your husband still insisted he had no knowledge of it? What in the world could possibly be the point of that?

Your last paragraph exactly agentzigzag. Never mind me as long as he saves face for whatever reason he feels the need.

I suspect Steff, but I could be totally off the mark, that he's embarrassed of our car trouble/couldn't be bothered to discuss it so just made out I was talking rubbish.

That would make me very uncomfortable. If he doesn't want to discuss it, fine, can't he just tell you privately that he doesn't like to discuss those issues, rather than making you look crazy in front of people?

I don't know it's because it happens a lot.

Another example we were on holiday earlier in the year, there was a problem with our room, it was something quite bad and dp had moaned and moaned about it to me.

We agreed to speak to reception about it, we definitely both agreed.

When we got there, because they didn't immediately offer us the solution that we wanted, dp started rolling his eyes and flapping his hand at me saying "oh it's fine, it's just her moaning" type thing.

It was rather humiliating as I would have never agreed to go and complain had he not been so unhappy.

Oh god, that would drive me insane. How have you not stabbed him yet?

Going to try to go to sleep now as more things keep coming back and it's winding me up.

Sometimes I want to pull him up on things even at the time, but he's always so calm and rational about it and I'm always just causing an argument. I'd end up looking like a lying control freak.

Yes, I wouldn't like it at all. I'm sorry I don't have any ideas for you. Do you have kids with him?

I think he seems extremely socially awkward OP. Like he becomes so crippled in some slightly uncomfortable situations that he kind of uses these lies to smoothe things out, but often at the cost of making you look a twat?

I'd be careful how you handle it...bollocking him for it won't help. Maybe a gentle chat to highlight a few recent examples along with how they made you feel?

But if it's just social awkwardness, why wouldn't he acknowledge what he did when he and the OP are alone? Why accuse her of causing a fight when she brings it up when they're alone?

I would volunteer myself to deflect any socially awkward situation from 13 YO DD, even if it made me look like a twat, and DH wouldn't mind me deflecting any awkwardness I had in company, but that's because he knows I wouldn't do it at his expense.

It's like your DH has seized on the technique of involving you to make himself look/feel better and is relying on it to get through any difficult situations where he thinks reality will make him look less than perfect.

You can't live with that, your feelings should be as important, if not more, than his own.

Your first sentence makes me think of people who, when they know certain 'facts' about you, will hang on like grim death to that knowledge despite the info being 10/20 years old.

I love that I'm not the only one who has noticed this. A couple of my relatives drive me mad with this stuff!

I do it too though Randy

One of my younger cousins was into Muse and another one knows the Stereophonics, and those are the things that have stuck in my head about them, even though it's 10 odd years later and they've 'grown up' and must have moved on

Someone else I know goes about it in another way and holds you to everything you've ever expressed an opinion about in the time they've known you, making out you're either lying or a hypocrite if you changed your mind about anything, ever, over the whole of your life.

Does my suede in.

My DH is like this too!

I have come to some conclusions, but have no solutions.

Aspergers/autism runs in his family. Our DS has ASD. As I learn more about DS I learn more about DH. I have come to believe some of DH's social oddities stem from being on the fringes of the spectrum.

DH gets very tense discussing something he thinks I won't like, such as suggesting a night out with his brother and coming back at say 2 or 3 am. So he lies, and says he will come back by midnight, as he thinks this is more acceptable to me. Then when he comes in at 2 or 3, I am pissed off. Not because of the hour, necessarily, but because he is not back when he said he would be and I am worried. Then a cycle devlops because next time he wants to go out I am prickly about what time he will return because last time blah, blah, blah. So he in turn is more bothered about the discusssion and can't think straight and will tell me what I want hear instead of the truth.

He avoids confontation or even mild disagreement. So the skiing thing: my DH would agree to go in order to avoid "ah go on, it's only £xx, it'll be fun etc etc" pressure. He will have no intention of going, then a situation will escalate where he becomes more stressed by the upcoming event which people assume he is attending, but he can't/won't.

When I try and be the voice of reason the anxiety is taken out on me, because he feels safer with me. So it's my fault, or I am making a big deal out it, etc

He also avoids advice, or discussing things he ought to do. So the car conversations could be around avoiding explaining why he hasn't already done x, y or z, or looking daft because he didn't already realise it was a particular fault.

And the meat thing, he was just scratching around for an excuse to avoid a party! And deflecting the reason it can't happen on to you.

Well the examples you have wrote about are similar to things my ex did and said.
His mother happens to be in her work career knowledgeable with psychology, she has said that he fits into the profile of a pathological liar. I have looked into this also and have to say agree with her, there is online things you can read about this and no way you can diagnose this yourself, like ourselves, but there is in life some people that just lie habitually, to please, believe their own lies, for example.

Everyone tells little lies but when it starts to impact on others regularly and like yourself doubt yourself, and feel stressed about the situation it's not a good place to be in. It can make you become very anxious and you keep remembering all the lies.

If something is brought up I/he doesn't want to discuss and one of us tells a fib or denies knowledge we pick up on the cue and find out later why. My dh is extremely private about things that I don't consider we need to be private on, however, because he's like that I understand he just uses it to politely and as easily as possible get off topics he doesn't want to discuss.

I think maybe a bit more communication between the 2 of you. And as much as you think he threw you under the bus with the Bil he may well feel the same when you pressed the point in front of people. Fortunately for you you have the veil of truth as you're excuse and so automatically take the moral high ground.

Sounds to me like a mixture of when he discusses things with you he tries to spin a bit of a yarn/sound knowledgable but loses confidence when it's brought up in front of others and also that he may well be embarrassed about money etc. I can see why it's frustrating but at the same time it wouldn't bother me. then again me and mine are always fibbing to avoid conversations but we are anti social

Not addressing the lying in the least but if you cancel your Sky subscription, you will still get freeview through the Sky box, you just won't be able to use the record facility etc.

I am amazed at the number of people accepting this behaviour. He is not only lying to you and your family (over something pretty dangerous too, when he's using an unroadworthy car), he's repeatedly setting you up to look like you're clueless.

If my DH doesn't want to discuss something publicly, he just suggests we talk about it at home - he doesn't deliberately make me look crazy.

I couldn't live like this. I have my faults I'm sure but I don't lie and I cannot abide by others doing it.

It's interesting to hear what Anniemouse and Catloony say. I find it irksome as the next person when people cry SN/MH on MN to explain away every unreasonable behaviour, but there are some aspects of your account which sound familiar

DH has ADHD (diagnosed and medicated) and often we will talk at length about something and reach a mutually agreeable conclusion, only for the same topic to be brought up later (often in company) as something completely new and up for debate, as though the earlier conversation had never taken place. I used to think I was going mad, or he was deliberately being facetious and undermining me, which was weird as that would be very out of character.

He will also say pretty much anything to his parents to avoid any boat rocking, but then it's almost like he forgets what's true and what's the fib and oftentimes get in a pickle. He also loathes appearing anything other than composed and sensible in public (I suspect this and the parent fibs are bourn out of a childhood of being heavily reprimanded in public for his behaviour), so I could envisage the hotel reception scenes happening with us too.

He's not at all manipulative or absent minded, the behaviours I mention above are completely in line with many of the other manifestations of his condition, and one we had the Dx and began to learn how his mind worked, it all started to make sense.

I'm not declaring your DP has ADHD in particular, or that you ought to put up with these situations, but it seems so very odd, and I'm just suggesting that there could be an underlying psycho/physio -logical condition affecting him that might be worth investigating.

I think you can get the freeview channels through your satellite dish if you end your sky contract, you used to be able to anyway.

Now really, if you can't afford to mend your car that you presumably rely on for work; then it's time to ditch sky and go freeview. As surely it's work that brings in the money that is needed to sort the cars out in the first place.

If he accuses you of starting an argument when you pull him up on things; say 'no dear, you are starting an argument by lying, I am trying to have an adult discussion about what goes on in and around our lives together and sorting X out is one of those things'.

It sounds like he is ashamed he isn't earning enough but doesn't want to give up the things that 'makes him feel' like he is earning enough. It's a keeping up with the Joneses thing, even if the Joneses are the other members of the family, not the next door neighbours.

Or as they say in the photography world 'all the gear, no idea'.

Nothing helpful to add, but my dp does exactly the same thing but he's done it so long don't think he even realises he's doing it. Also sometimes makes up conversations based on what he thinks people might have said. If I let it go and say 'oh my mistake' I look stupid, if I call him on it I look argumentative.

It means every conversation is tainted because I know it might be rewritten in his mind and sadly it does affect the way I think about him so am often quite short-tempered with him.