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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to choose our own baby things....

56 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 28/12/2013 21:08

Me and DH are expecting our first baby, due in 12 weeks.

We are starting to think about decorating the nursery over the next few days and from as early as announcing the pregnancy my PIL said they would buy us our cot - obviously we were very grateful.

We were discussing it with them on Christmas Day and FIL started being a bit pushy about what he thought and what he wanted. He was bringing up loads of images online of different cots, saying, "What about this one? What about this one?" I didn't like any of the ones he was showing me and he seemed to get quite offended. He thinks a cot is a cot and it doesn't matter what it looks like - which I know is kind of true, but at the same time I want something that me and DH like and something we have chosen ourselves.

He then started doing the same for push chairs and travel systems, even putting a bid in on eBay for one just because I said it was nice, not that I actually wanted it. We got outbid so he starts searching for more prams, showing me them at lightning speed, telling me to bid on them etc - I felt really pressured and uncomfortable. I don't want to just buy any old cot or pram on a whim but instead look around and find something that me and DH really like and want.

My MIL told her husband to stay out of it and let me and DH pick our own things but it went in one ear and out the other. He then announced he had put an eBay bid in for a highchair, without even asking or showing us what it looked like, because he thought it was ok and didn't mind buying us one. I just felt overwhelmed and a little annoyed actually. This is our first (and only) baby, is it really unreasonable to want a say in what things we want for him and at least get some choice in their style and appearance? They have also been out and bought a 'Baby's first Bath Set' which includes the baby bath, toys, towels etc and although it's nice, it certainly isn't something we would have chosen ourselves, we can't picture our little boy in it and enjoying bath time etc.

I feel like everything is being taken out of our hands. I know it is lovely of the In-Laws to offer to buy us the cot but unless we get to choose one ourselves I feel like telling them not to worry about it. It's just really awkward and is taking the shine off it all a little bit. I don't know, maybe I'm just being precious. I just want me and DH to be able to make our own choices and buy things that we like and that we want for our own baby.

I just always had this vision of me and DH picking out all the lovely baby furniture and baby equipment we would need and it being something special and enjoyable that we could do together but it really isn't turning out that way....

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 28/12/2013 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockybalboa · 28/12/2013 21:14

Tolerating stuff bought by over eager grandparents is one of life's great parenting challenges and won't go away I'm afraid. However, your FIL is being a prat. These are effectively items of furniture for your house and it is not down to him to choose them even if he is paying. Things like bath sets, baby clothes, toys etc which aren't to your style I would just let go but big ticket items are down to you to choose. I would refuse to look at anything online with him. Be firm and say you and DH want to decide yourselves and if they want to buy what you've decided on then that would be lovely etc etc but could he please respect your right to choose what goes into your home.

Annunziata · 28/12/2013 21:16

I think you need to play FIL at his own game (find a pram, buy it, ask for the money) and just count to ten and repeat 'he's excited, it's nice, he's excited, it's nice'...

The bath thing, you are being a bit precious I think.

TheGreatHunt · 28/12/2013 21:19

Your FIL is the issue and your mil recognises it.

Tell your DH to have a word. Maybe give him one thing to buy if he insists them keep it at his house.

ToffeeWhirl · 28/12/2013 21:20

YANBU! My MIL went so overboard with buying stuff for our firstborn that her DH eventually told her she had to stop. It was as if it was her baby, not ours. We tolerated a lot of stuff that she gave us (bagfuls of secondhand clothes that were not to our taste), thanked her and quietly passed them on.

Your FIl is being very insensitive. The most thoughtful thing he could do would be to give you cash or John Lewis vouchers so that you can choose things for your own baby. As the above poster says, you need to be firm with him.

LouiseAderyn · 28/12/2013 21:21

If you've told him that you want to choose your own things and he won't listen then just bin anything you don't want and go out and get what you actually like.

Don't worry about offending someone who doesn't worry about offending you!

Mrswellyboot · 28/12/2013 21:24

Next time he starts say, ah we have all got now and deposits paid. We just need to collect them from the baby shop.

I am fussy and only wanted white things and we borrowed a Moses basket but told people we were sorted when they offered things.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/12/2013 21:25

Having your first baby is a very special time and your FIL should butt out. Chatting about styles of cot and pushchair your DIL = fine. Trying to impose your style on her = unfair. I wouldn't worry too much about the small items but the cot and the pushchair are both decisions that you as parents should make, especially as you know your requirements best. The highchair ridiculous as you won't need that for about 9 months and they take up loads of room...

FixItUpChappie · 28/12/2013 21:27

Just tell him. Summarize what you've said here - "you are so generous to offer FIL! Its just I have dreamed about all this baby business since I was a little girl and have my heart set on decorating our nursery and picking out these bits and bobs myself". Be polite and clear.

Just tell them - seriously...you'll save frustration all around.

FestiveYoni · 28/12/2013 21:32

You need to put a stop to this now it will drive you mad and you don't need the agro.

Its also a good idea to put a stop to it now, so you start to take wider control over the baby you do not want later on wen its here the same level of problems.

Trust me, people, GP@s go mad when a baby is born. Even my usually level headed DF went totally insane and ruined my DD's birth and he was'nt trying to push travel systems on us, pils did that and they also ruined the birth!

Clunch · 28/12/2013 21:35

I agree. Let things like bath sets go, as your child will grow out of them in ten minutes anyway. But if it's something like a cot, it's going to be furniture for a couple of years, and presumably FIL wouldn't buy you a sofa without consulting you?

Prams or pushchairs are even more important. We were living up a lot of stairs in London when DS was born, and needed a pushchair that was as light as possible, capable of getting on and off public transport, as well as suitable for a newborn, so there would have been no point at all in someone randomly bidding on heavy travel systems...

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 28/12/2013 21:40

Thanks everyone for your advice, it has been very helpful. They are wonderful PIL, I'm very lucky to get on really well with them and I just don't want to rock the boat. I have asked DH if we can go to IKEA tomorrow to look at all the baby stuff (don't actually know if they have nice things there?) and I think it will have to be a case of we go ahead and buy something we like and then they can reimburse us. I know that is probably the only way things will be stress free for me and DH but I will still feel guilty about it

OP posts:

OOAOML · 28/12/2013 21:43

We were given a highchair from someone in the family - wasn't to my taste, and although I felt grateful that we'd been saved the expense, I did sometimes regret that I couldn't choose one we preferred. My parents gave us money for a pushchair, but we chose it. My sister gave us her cot (and I only just managed to stop my Dad trying to insist that it was absolutely fine not to get a new mattress) and again I appreciated it, but would have preferred to choose a more modern one with a moveable base (this one was fixed, and my back did twinge when lifting my babies in and out).

We had help, and we were grateful for it - but the best was my parents giving us the choice (actually, we later decided what we'd bought wasn't ideal and sold it and replaced it - we didn't feel we could do that with the things we'd bought, which in retrospect we probably could have). These items are a big part of your life for the first few years - they should be your choice.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/12/2013 21:46

Tell your DH to tell his dad to reign it in a little as he was planning on getting all the stuff with you this week and if he wants to be involved, he can write a cheque to cover some of the cost. If he does buy stuff, say oh no, we'd already got that. And ebay it.

breatheslowly · 28/12/2013 21:54

You can look at all of the IKEA stuff online. You can't beat their Antilop high chair.

Upcycled · 28/12/2013 22:00

Yes definitely chose as much as you can. We were broke and we were given a 3rd hand cot and mattress, MIL bought an awful travel system from Mothercare and I did not buy any baby clothes at all. When passing by a baby shop I would turn my head to the other side and actually cry.

It doesn't matter, and I was grateful for all the help. I have a very funny, clever and healthy 6 year old now who was never affected by our lack of cash at that time. But still this wasn't what I had in mind for my life.

BumpNGrind · 28/12/2013 22:01

Tell your FIL that you are going shopping for baby furniture on x day and will come back to him with your ideas. Tbh he sounds over excited, maybe you can give him a project like trying to research the best prams.

Have you any ideas of what you want? I think you need to get your ducks in a row and start choosing with DH the exact things you want. It's a pain that you have to be rushed but it's that or you're going to get a delivery of a load of mystery stuff otherwise.

bumperella · 28/12/2013 22:06

FixitupChappie's advice is just what I would say - your FIL wants to help and is v excited. Just explain to him that you are very excited and that you see baby-stuff-shopping in the same way as engagement-ring-shopping (or house-hunting...or whatever) ie something special, celebratory, and personal to you and yr partner.
Ask him to buy a specific thing, setting clear boundaries as to what you want, pref something that he can research at length on line (am thinking pram). So size, eight, colour, folding mechanism, whatever else.
Or if he's able, then ask him to paint the babies room, and assemble the flat-pack wardrobes etc.
You are being a bit highly-strung IMO - kind of like dreaming up the perfect Christmas/Valentines/Birthday/Wedding/etc prompted by evil marketing people - when really what makes it perfect is the people who love you and your baby.

Whiteclouds · 28/12/2013 22:14

Yanbu. I'm not materialistic but preparing for our first baby was such a special job and out of all my possessions some of our baby paraphernalia is my most precious. Some of it was bought by other people and some of was handed down but everyone was respectful of our wishes so it is all stuff that we liked and wanted. I think it's worth sticking your neck out on this one.

Justforlaughs · 28/12/2013 22:22

Can you take a look on-line yourself and email him the links for things that YOU and your DH actually like? along with a clear message that you want to choose your own things within reason. Maybe three cots that you like, costing different amounts, with DFil deciding which one he would be prepared to pay for.

HRMumness · 28/12/2013 22:25

I would use this to your advantage, prams certainly don't come cheap. Just do your research, find out exactly what you want and then get your FIL to buy that.

We had just finished a major chunk of renovation on our house and were skint when we came to furnish DD's room. We got loads of stuff from IKEA for her including all her furniture and plenty of sheets, towels etc. The Antilop highchair is brilliant too. It has all been fine and still has life left in it for someone else (or baby #2).

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 28/12/2013 22:40

He can keep the highchair at his house for when they babysit.

oscarwilde · 28/12/2013 22:46

You could ask him to sort out a car seat for you? Loads of tech stuff to read up on, fittings to do and diff options for longevity. Might keep him occupied plus it can't be / is not recommended to buy it secondhand.

Ours was listed by the manufacturer as compatible with our car but the angle of the back seats meant the seat topped the baby forward. Nightmare. Plus with the Isofix base, it couldn't go behind the driver seat unless the driver was 5ft. Trust me, get a few horror stories and give him something to think about

Thingymajigs · 28/12/2013 22:50

We had the exact same issue at the beginning of this pregnancy (am now 34 weeks). PIL offered to pay for a pushchair and we were very grateful but it seemed to be an exercise in control rather than a friendly gesture. FIL ended up being quite nasty saying our choices were 'crap' and 'wrong'. It was really uncomfortable and DP just hid behind me not knowing what to say. In the end I took a stand and told him that we were buying the pushchair ourselves but we would be incredibly grateful if he could buy the Maxi Cosi Cabrio car seat instead. He instantly walked off to find a different option without even looking at our choice so we ignored him and picked the seat and handed it to him. He bought it in a very grumpy manner and then we parted ways for a few weeks. My MIL was very embarrassed but it seems they all just accept how controlling he can be.

People might try to tell you you are ungrateful but I appreciate how uncomfortable the situation gets. I wish they had never offered us a thing. It has stopped now that he has realised I'd rather make my own choices and pay for my own baby's things. Hope your situation resolves quickly too.

Crowler · 28/12/2013 22:54

I feel for you, a gift is not really a gift if it's an attempt at controlling.

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