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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to choose our own baby things....

56 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 28/12/2013 21:08

Me and DH are expecting our first baby, due in 12 weeks.

We are starting to think about decorating the nursery over the next few days and from as early as announcing the pregnancy my PIL said they would buy us our cot - obviously we were very grateful.

We were discussing it with them on Christmas Day and FIL started being a bit pushy about what he thought and what he wanted. He was bringing up loads of images online of different cots, saying, "What about this one? What about this one?" I didn't like any of the ones he was showing me and he seemed to get quite offended. He thinks a cot is a cot and it doesn't matter what it looks like - which I know is kind of true, but at the same time I want something that me and DH like and something we have chosen ourselves.

He then started doing the same for push chairs and travel systems, even putting a bid in on eBay for one just because I said it was nice, not that I actually wanted it. We got outbid so he starts searching for more prams, showing me them at lightning speed, telling me to bid on them etc - I felt really pressured and uncomfortable. I don't want to just buy any old cot or pram on a whim but instead look around and find something that me and DH really like and want.

My MIL told her husband to stay out of it and let me and DH pick our own things but it went in one ear and out the other. He then announced he had put an eBay bid in for a highchair, without even asking or showing us what it looked like, because he thought it was ok and didn't mind buying us one. I just felt overwhelmed and a little annoyed actually. This is our first (and only) baby, is it really unreasonable to want a say in what things we want for him and at least get some choice in their style and appearance? They have also been out and bought a 'Baby's first Bath Set' which includes the baby bath, toys, towels etc and although it's nice, it certainly isn't something we would have chosen ourselves, we can't picture our little boy in it and enjoying bath time etc.

I feel like everything is being taken out of our hands. I know it is lovely of the In-Laws to offer to buy us the cot but unless we get to choose one ourselves I feel like telling them not to worry about it. It's just really awkward and is taking the shine off it all a little bit. I don't know, maybe I'm just being precious. I just want me and DH to be able to make our own choices and buy things that we like and that we want for our own baby.

I just always had this vision of me and DH picking out all the lovely baby furniture and baby equipment we would need and it being something special and enjoyable that we could do together but it really isn't turning out that way....

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/12/2013 22:59

My MIL just turned up on our doorstep one day with a cot and told us she's seen it in a sale and it was too much of a bargain to turn down. I was so taken aback I actually left we on her and FIL on the doorstep and forgot to invite them in. After a minute my brain caught up with itself, and they came in for a cuppa . They were so excited and thought they had done something nice for us that I couldn't be annoyed with them. And in fact the cot is probably what I might have chosen anyway - it had a moveable base to 3 different levels, and was NOT a cotbed (hadnt wanted a cotbed cos we planned to have more than one child). So really there was no harm done.

Had it been a pram though.....Different story.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/12/2013 23:05

I also think that some grandparents struggled for money when they themselves were young parents-to-be, and now they're older and have more money they just can't help themselves.

You need to state what you're looking for VERY clearly : eg size, color, number of base positions, type of mattress and once he's clear on those, let him go ahead and bid. Make it his MISSION to get a cot with those specifics and he might be a bit happier and more helpful.

PicaK · 28/12/2013 23:28

Stand your ground. But be nice - they're excited.

Btw - yes, yes, yes they have lovely stuff in IKEA. I got all the Hensvik stuff. The changing table was fab - made it so easy. I found a lot of my mates got cots that would change into a bed - and then bought proper full size beds pretty soon anyway, so the extra dosh they cost wasn't worth it.

Tbh if i was doing it again i'd hire a bed nest for 6 months from NCT for 99 quid. But only if i had money to burn. Actually you could just start talking about the bf'ing benefits of each cot your fil shows you and you may find he suddenly has other urgent tasks to do!!!!

Jolleigh · 28/12/2013 23:41

My DD due in March will be my mum's first grandchild and she's delirious with excitement.

Where some things are concerned, I seem to have been firm enough...she was originally planning on getting the pram herself but has settled for giving us cash for a pram. She invited herself to the birth and was told without room for negotiation that the plan wasn't for her to be there so unless something changes on the day, she won't be.

I'm obviously not being clear enough about the smaller things though...

I asked her not to buy the baby any clothes until after 20 weeks. She ignored me. I asked her not to buy the baby anything football related. She ignored me. I asked her not to buy loads of pink stuff. She ignored me. I asked her not to buy huge amounts of clothing as I'd like to buy my daughter some of her first outfits without feeling like I'm wasting money. She ignored me.

It's like she knows I'm trying to stay rational and therefore I won't have a pop about the small things, but is well aware that I'd be very frank if she overstepped the mark on larger items.

ToffeeWhirl · 29/12/2013 00:01

Can't believe how many parents and parents in law want to be at the birth! I count myself lucky that neither my parents nor my PIL wanted to be there with me .

toobreathless · 29/12/2013 00:09

You are being a bit precious about the bath, but about the larger items YANBU.

Small baby items that are not to your taste just quietly send to charity shop or donate to women's refuge. Larger items like pram should absolutely be your decision.

My parents wanted to get our pram. So they waited until we had bought it, then casually asked how much it cost & ten days later sent a cheque. they then knew that we had the pram we wanted and hadn't been influenced at all by the fact that they wanted to buy it for us.

Jolleigh · 29/12/2013 00:12

Toffee - I don't even want DP at the business end!

And my mum never had a great track record for behaving motherly or supportive when I've been in pain...I genuinely have a chunk of displaced bone in one shin as I fell as a child and broke my leg. She thought the fall was funny and that I was being overly dramatic so didn't take me to hospital. I'm lucky that the bone was fairly well lined up so healed relatively straight. She also decided I was faking it when I was repeatedly having crippling pain below my ribs...after about a year it was discovered I needed my gallbladder removing. She only took me to the doctor to prove I was doing it to get out of school. And this woman thinks I'd want her there while I'm pushing a baby out?!

Shelby2010 · 29/12/2013 00:43

YANBU to want to choose your own pram/travel system - that's the one thing you really need to have thought about so it suits your lifestyle.

However you are BU (and unrealistic) to think that dragging your DH round IKEA on the Sunday after Christmas will be either special or enjoyable! In my experience men just don't see the importance of one changing table over the other..... and 50% of couples in any given IKEA at any given time will either be arguing or sulking with each other!

Congratulations on your pregnancy though, and I second the poster who says that when the baby arrives you won't care what you bathe it in.

LilQueenie · 29/12/2013 00:57

put a stop to it now. It happened to me and its been a constant battle.

differentnameforthis · 29/12/2013 03:02

How about you find a few that you like & ask him to choose one, use a little note book with cut out pics in it . He is obviously very excited, which is lovely, and although I do agree that a cot is a cot, your baby will use it for some time, so you want one you like.

cupcake78 · 29/12/2013 05:13

We had this and in the end I stopped telling them what we needed or liked. If they asked I would say it was up to them what they got for their home . They got a bit frustrated with me but they recovered .

I now tell them I don't like anything and they've labelled me fussy.

Boredandfridgegazing · 29/12/2013 05:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chottie · 29/12/2013 05:58

My DD was bought a buggy for PFB by her ILs. But, ILs just said to choose whatever she wanted and give them the bill. So everyone was very happy.

Obviously MiL feels the same as you, can't you or DH have a chat with her and get her to rein FiL in?

You are not being unreasonable at all - your baby, your way. p.s. congratulations on your lovely baby.

schokolade · 29/12/2013 06:04

Sympathies OP. Having just been through exactly the same with my own FIL (am 37 weeks with our first), I would be VERY clear about what will be happening from now on. Tell him clearly that the offers are very generous, and you value his input, but you and DH will make all final decisions.

Wish I had done this because we have had endless trouble with FIL. For e.g. he said would build us a cradle (lovely), but he is yet to start it. Apparently he will bring it sometime after the due date, minus all the custom made bedding that we will need. We are of course weird, too organised and paranoid wanting it earlier, because first babies are always late and even if it's not the baby can sleep in the car seat... yeah right! He's in a huff now because we just bought a cradle and "rejected" his.

His attitude to our baby's things, which sounds eerily similar to your FILs, has damaged our relationship tbh. I won't be leaving the baby alone with him, which I know he wants. Until now I have been a bit passive with FIL. Sort of smile, nod and then do what I like. But I will NOT have DH and my's wishes dismissed when it comes to my DC. So the fireworks are about to begin.

If I could wind back time I would say thanks but no thanks from the start, and save DH and I a huge amount of stress at a time when we really don't need it.

Purplepoodle · 29/12/2013 06:29

Sounds over enthusiastic to me. Just get shopping asap pick the cot and take him to see it/pay for it. Babybaths are just baths at the end of the day and are often given as presents
If your thinking about bf then I would suggest taking a look at a bednest or a troll bedside crib

Boredandfridgegazing · 29/12/2013 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jenijena · 29/12/2013 07:12

Honestly if you get six weeks use of the bath you'll be twice as long as us and mostly we took him in the bath with us, much easier.

Everything else, present receipts.

Luckily the style of clothes I but for my son is similar to what my mil would choose unlike my mum but directions like 'well, if you're looking to treat him, a new smart outfit/pjs/dungarees set would be lovely ' helps to direct the over enthusiastic and at times overwhelming generosity

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 29/12/2013 07:27

Tell him you're Chuffed he's excited but that you are too - ask him if he remembers buying for his first. My guess is they were skint / given 2nd hand stuff but that's a tiny bit tough... just say 'we've already chosen... let me show you...'

Could you bare to hand over looking for 1 specific item? Car seat / safety gates?

You do need to stand firm (nicely, doesn't need to turn into an in laws feud) otherwise you'll be backing down over dcs first bike, school, haircut....

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 29/12/2013 10:17

Morning everyone - thanks for your continued response. I'm glad to see it is a common problem so I know I'm not being too OTT

Me and DH are getting ready to go shopping and we are just going to buy things that we like and then tell the IL's they can contribute to the cost in whatever way they wish to - be it giving us a lump sum they had in mind or paying for one of the items specifically.

My DH is currently looking online for furniture options but we have differing opinions...here's hoping I can bring him round to my way of thinking

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 29/12/2013 10:31

There's no way I would have let someone else
buy my pram, it's a very personal thing, you have to buy the one right for you after you've played with them all. My in laws gave us the money for ours, but we chose it.

Baby baths aren't really a problem, and to be honest you probably won't use it for long either. I wouldn't have wanted anyone buy our cot either, we knew what we wanted.

Buy the ikea a antilop highchair, it's great. But there's no point buying anything like that yet, you won't need it for months and months.

Purplepoodle · 29/12/2013 19:49

Only thing I would add would that you need to chat to your pil to see if they are happy to hand over money once you have brought the item. IMO it's a bit rude and I would be really offended not to be made to feel part of the buying process, even if its just showing them online what you intend to buy.

We just took mil to the shop, showed her the pram we wanted and she brought it there and then.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 29/12/2013 22:32

Well, we went out and bought a matching nursery furniture set consisting of cot, wardrobe and drawers/changing table. It is gorgeous!! Originally £699 reduced to £286 in the sales! We couldn't resist!!

We will tell the In-laws tomorrow and just see what they say. If they want to contribute they can, but if they don't then that's fine too. We did worry a little that we might offend his parents by buying the furniture without showing them first, but we went with our gut instinct and got it. Our baby, our choice....

OP posts:

ToffeeWhirl · 30/12/2013 00:00

Boredandfridgegazing · 30/12/2013 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 30/12/2013 00:12

I think baby will definitely be at their house quite frequently - they live on the same street, 26 doors down

OP posts:

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