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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we have THREE children and it's not ok to exclude one just because they are not a blood relative?

143 replies

GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 18:15

I have one DC from a previous relationship and two with my husband. All three have been treated as OUR children by the majority of the family.

However, one couple on H's side wouldn't ever buy birthday or Christmas gifts for our eldest. When they had DC of their own (3 years ago) they started buying for him.

However, h and I separated 4 months ago but still on good terms. This Christmas all his family bought for our three children with the exception of this couple. They did buy for my H's biological DC though.

AIBU to think this is disgusting? Just because we are no longer together doesn't mean my eldest is not H's child. To put into context, H has been in eldest's life since age two and he does not see his biological father and receives no gifts or maintenance from him. My H still considers him as his son and pays maintenance for him.

OP posts:
Pimpf · 28/12/2013 09:23

Pixie that's outrageous, and very hurtful but I guess you know that..

Goodness grinch, ignore that completely, you sil is a bitch, call her and tell her she's not welcome, her children are but she's not

Sallystyle · 28/12/2013 10:02

Pixie, that is a disgusting attitude. I honestly find it hard to think that people like you exist.

How sad it is that someone can't love a child as much as a blood relative. I find that SO sad. It is sad my MIL can look at her non bio- grandchildren and not love them the same as her bio grandchildren, simply because they are not blood related. Or at least have the kindness to pretend they do.

I wonder how these people would treat an adopted child? Not my blood relative so I don't need to treat it the same.

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 28/12/2013 10:17

Thank you pimf and sam, for a second I thought it was the 1950s Hmm.

If my DS was ever to get with someone who already had children, I'd like to think I would treat them as my own and certainly would never pick them up and drop them again. It would have been one thing if they'd never included DS in the gift giving but they did for a while and you shouldn't be able to pick up and drop like this. My son has dealt with enough rejection from his bio family. It's infuriating that these people have chosen to do the same.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 28/12/2013 10:23

Seems that Caitlin17 has a sockpuppet friend in that they are both being ridiculous and immature, pixiepotter joining in.

OP - forgive me if I speak for you. I suspect that actually you would not mind at all if none of your children were given a gift or if all were given a comic. It is the fact that they aren't all treated the same. When, as a child, you have someone in your life for a very long time who you see as a father, auntie, family and then suddenly they treat you like you are nothing it is very hurtful.

OP - you can't expect your ex to speak up for your son and put him first. He has chosen his blood family before the child he brought up as a son therefore he is no longer in a team with you and it is down to you now to put them first, last and in between. If that means your other children no longer see their relations then it is not the end of the world and I suspect they would choose not to bother with them when they are treating their brother so disgustingly anyway.

Pixiepotter and Caitlin17 should you ever find yourself having children with more than one man I think you will then understand that life does not always work out as you would expect or do you decree that you are allowed to have kids with one man and that is all so if it doesn't work out, or the man dies, you stay with an abusive man so they keep their father or you aren't allowed to love again as then your children will have another family to deal with. Let us all limit the amount of people who love our children Hmm.

Flowers and Brew for OP.

pixiepotter · 28/12/2013 10:56

can i make it clear that i doo t agree with treating step children differently , i am not so naive to believe that others won t think that way

pixiepotter · 28/12/2013 10:59

and no i dont say you should necessarily have all yous dc with one partner , but you should be aware that you are creating a situation oe disparity

HissymasJumper · 28/12/2013 11:01

Horrified at the shit from prickxiepotter and c-wordlin17!

Probably hairy handed idiots, ignore them.

OP, DO have a word with this woman if she turns up to the party, along the lines of 'thanks for coming/the gift for the party child, however if you aren't going to treat all of my/our families children equally then please don't buy anything, at all, for any of them.

And make sure you say to her to feel free to decline any invitation in future as people with her attitude shouldn't be included in family celebrations.

If she wants to participate, by all means, but not when children are treated poorly.

Andanotherthing123 · 28/12/2013 17:03

YANBU.I would politely tell DH that unless all three DC get a present,you'll refuse to accept any presrnts from BIL.it's about a childs feelings and its important he knows he's equal to his sisters in tje eyes of his aunt and uncle.my sister has fosterws for years, up to

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 28/12/2013 17:53

Not got time to catch up with the thread just now as I've friends coming over very soon but just wanted to update that they didn't turn up to the party. Had to confirm numbers in advance so just wasted money on them Sad. They never even let us know. Oh well.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 28/12/2013 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pimpf · 29/12/2013 09:22

REALLY???????????

I'm hoping I've massively misunderstood here, but if you and your husband split up, you would turn your back on a child who has been part of your family since she was 5, as would the rest of your family?

needaholidaynow · 29/12/2013 09:45

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needaholidaynow · 29/12/2013 09:52

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ladymariner · 29/12/2013 09:59

How old is your 'd'sd now holiday?

needaholidaynow · 29/12/2013 10:10

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needaholidaynow · 29/12/2013 10:11

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ladymariner · 29/12/2013 10:53

Guess not. I mean, with your attitude there is no chance of your d'sd becoming close to you, is there, not when

''It's very very different to the relationship I have with DSD. I am not her mum and any relationship I and my family have with her really all hangs in the balance as to if me and her dad stay together.'' Hmm

needaholidaynow · 29/12/2013 11:00

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needaholidaynow · 29/12/2013 11:11

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Ledkr · 29/12/2013 11:13

That's sad.
I was with my xh for 18 yrs, he was with my boys from aged 1 and 2. We had two more dc,a home,holidays,Xmas,illness,death and all other stuff a family experience. When we split up his step sons were teenagers but he has maintained contact and still does.
Being related is about more than blood.

Sallystyle · 29/12/2013 15:32

Needaholiday that is really really sad.

My children's step mother is still a massive part of my children's lives even though their dad has died.

She continues to see them and call them and help out financially. It is early days but I have no reason to believe that she will turn her back on them in years to come. Her opinion is that they are her step-children, she loves them, why would she ever want to stop seeing them? same would go if she had divorced their dad instead of him dying. They are still her family, she still loves them.

My mum still sees her adult step-children and she separated from our dad over 20 years ago. If you truly love your step-child then divorce or death wouldn't stop them being a part of your life forever.

I have no doubts whatsoever that if I divorced my current husband he would continue to see my children too, because he loves them and they are family.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2013 15:47

Oh for fucks sake.

Loads of step parents if a relationship breaks down end up having nothing to do with any step children,life tends to put good intentions aside.

Its considered to be unusual to stay involved with step children after a breakdown of the relationship with the parent.

Mainly because its almost impossible due to the reasons for the relationship ending to do so without a court order and step parent contact orders are very very rare.

I still maintain and have contact with my ex stepchild and every single time without fail I've mentioned it on here or in RL the reaction is surprise.i am the only person I have every come across in real life (and I work in a industry that comes across broken relationships more frequently than people who are still together) who still sees or has anything real to do with a sc that was an actual child when the break up or relationship ending happened.

So why flame a poster for admitting that upfront

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2013 15:48

Samu2

My situation is the same as yours my sdc's dad died

Sallystyle · 29/12/2013 15:59

I just simply can't imagine being a part of a child's life from such a young age and not continue to see them after a divorce if able to do so.

No flaming here but I just can't comprehend it.

Maybe I have just got 'lucky' because my DC's step mum has become a very close friend throughout the years so I have always felt we were one big family and my kids would be devastated to lose her. I have always felt like they are 'our' children, almost like they had four parents to love them.

givemeaclue · 29/12/2013 16:12

Well you are not with dh box more so there is on reason to invite bil and sil to any events. You don't need to have anything to do with them

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