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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we have THREE children and it's not ok to exclude one just because they are not a blood relative?

143 replies

GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 18:15

I have one DC from a previous relationship and two with my husband. All three have been treated as OUR children by the majority of the family.

However, one couple on H's side wouldn't ever buy birthday or Christmas gifts for our eldest. When they had DC of their own (3 years ago) they started buying for him.

However, h and I separated 4 months ago but still on good terms. This Christmas all his family bought for our three children with the exception of this couple. They did buy for my H's biological DC though.

AIBU to think this is disgusting? Just because we are no longer together doesn't mean my eldest is not H's child. To put into context, H has been in eldest's life since age two and he does not see his biological father and receives no gifts or maintenance from him. My H still considers him as his son and pays maintenance for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 20:19

I was asked by a pp but I hadn't actually thought about it until now. Just so happened that he found something he wanted to give. He still owes me half for all the presents this year as thats what we agreed re our DC and friends/family DC.

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 27/12/2013 20:20

my ex once bought my son a load of Christmas presents years ago and my H hit the roof. He said it wasn't fair on our DD and I totally got that

This can be a problem with step families - unless you are all great mates and friends and get along this will happen. If I were the non RP I cant see that I would be wanting to buy presents for christ knows how many other children I didnt have an emotional relationship with.

I'll put that in perspective with DS1's mate ......he has 11 half and step siblings - and do steps disappear when the parent moves on? It was an utterly ridiculous situation ...... parents had one mutual child, each brought two previous children to the relationship, relationship split and each went on to have a further two children with new partners and the next tranch of tep parents brought in more children.

where do you call it quits?

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 20:23

Yes, I totally get that. My ex had had a further three children with three different woman and DS has never met any of them. If he was seeing them then I would support him (financially) in buying his sisters presehts for birthday /Christmas as he does for the sisters he lives with. Like I help him buy for his friends too (I only let him spend £1).

This situation is different. DS has been their nephew for 12 years. He was family when it suited them. So why the change of heart? This is one extra child, not 11.

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 27/12/2013 20:26

DS has been their nephew for 12 years. He was family when it suited them. So why the change of heart? This is one extra child

The answer to that is: they were being polite to you and ExH in treating you as family. You and your son are no longer part of that extended family dynamic.

longingforsomesleep · 27/12/2013 20:28

My nephew has 1 son and 2 step children. He's now separated from his wife but it would never occur to me or other family members to treat the 3 children differently. If you take children to your heart you can't then put them aside when a marriage breaks down.

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 20:29

Yes, I know that is what they are saying by not buying a gift. That is what I object to. I don't think it's on for them to suddenly exclude him just because we separated 4 months ago. Unlikely they were being polite in the past either - once they had their own DC they wanted us all to play happy families.

I've asked several times but no one has answered: Would it be different if he was adopted? So legally his son? For all intense purposes H is DS's dad.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 27/12/2013 20:29

How old is your eldest? Can you explain it to him in a "some people are shits misguided" way? I agree your ex should be dealing with this but he at least is doing the right thing and telling your eldest he is as much his son as the other two and that is what ultimately matters. Not what a frankly unpleasant pair of distant relatives do or think.

StealthPolarBear · 27/12/2013 20:30

What I suppose I'm saying is, woud the children care if they ever saw this horrible couple again? Do you really want them involved in their lives?

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 20:37

DS is 14 and has just recently discovered what a shit his bio dad is as he found some nasty messages from him to me on Facebook. Plus the starting contact/dropping him again a few times (only by phone though). So I think this is badly timed and probably why I'm extra sensitive about him having the same as his sisters. I know one day he will know that just through bad luck he was robbed of the chance to have a decent bio father and extended family but unreasonably it not, I want to protect him from that. Maybe this will be the right time for him to learn that life isn't fair Sad.

He says he is ok with it in that typical teenager way of saying nothing phases them but I could see in his eyes that it bothers him. He's old enough to understand the message that was intended by excluding him from the family gift giving. Thank god he wasn't there with them all when it happened. And also that at least some of H's family still see him as their family member.

In isolation I might just be able to forgive this as a one off but they pull this shit all the time and not just with us.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 27/12/2013 20:38

Oh I'm not suggesting forgive...no way. Just drop contact to a bare minimum and slag them off behind closed doors with your DS in earshot :o

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 27/12/2013 20:39

You need to return the gifts to the two younger children. You cannot let your eldest see you accepting stuff for them and a snub for him.

This needs to come from your exH. And unfortunately if he's not prepared to go to bat for his son... Maybe he doesn't actually see him as an equal child, as he claims and as he ought?

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 20:41

Xposted there. I have asked H time and time again to either tell them to stop being cunts or to cut them out but he refuses.

His mother and other brother fell out with us all about 3 years ago and nobody has heard from her since (the mother instigated the falling out - we've offered the olive branch several times). I've told him that if he can cut his own mother out, then a toxic SIL should be no issue but he just says he doesn't want any more family falling out. I don't think my DC would care if they never saw them again. We only see them about once a year because they never make the effort.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 27/12/2013 20:42

I'm sorry I really don't know why you are making such a fuss about people who are not related to you or your son whom you don't even like not giving your son a present. Whether you like it or not your relationship with your ex is over; by virtue of that fact they are not part of your family and you are not part of theirs. You and your ex are for the moment getting on fine. Good concentrate on that.

The situation with your son's real father to me seems far more urgently needing to be sorted out than fretting and complaining about the actions of 2 people who are peripheral to your son.

StealthPolarBear · 27/12/2013 20:43

So is her son's relationship with the family of the man who considers himself his father over?

StealthPolarBear · 27/12/2013 20:44

What if he had adopted? Would that even still be an option?

missfliss · 27/12/2013 20:44

I understand your feelings but I have had this charge levied at me by my SIL who has 2 daughters from her previous marriage, I have no emotional relationship with them and was lambasted for suggesting that 18 was old enough to cease gift buying for my much younger half siblings / and all nephews and nieces. We have 15 kids between us, it is SOOO expensive. I am a stepdaughter too, and never received presents from my stop mums family even when she went on to have kids with my dad. I wouldn't have expected to. I really resented somebody dictating to me whom I should buy for.

She got all precious saying that I'd understand when I have kids..well I do now, and my brother ( SILs husband) hasn't remembered once. I. Not bothered. He lives in Boston USA and has no real relationship to DS2, if it upset me I'd just buy a pressie on his behalf.
I do feel for you, but can see the other side too.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 27/12/2013 20:44

You are separated so no need to ask your exH anything. You do what you need to do now. Tell your son they have behaved in a way that is not acceptable and from now on you will not see them as his family.

If he was adopted then they would be doubly twatty if they dropped him now you are separating but the fact is they have and you have to deal with the situation you find yourself in.

If they can't treat your eldest the same then I would be walking away from all of them if it was me.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 27/12/2013 20:45

It's just occurred that they could so easily get a "family" present like a DVD or a board game, and avoid the whole situation entirely.

But they didn't because they're shits Angry

Don't put all the blame on the SIL either. The BIL chose her.

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 20:45

H has started taking our DC quite a lot on his weekend visitation. He wouldn't listen if I told him to stop.

Part if the problem is that we're no longer a team like we used to be so he doesn't listen anymore. Well, he wouldn't listen when we were together either.

You've made a good point HoldMe. Maybe DS is not as equal as he makes out Sad. I'm drawing the line though. Once the party is out the way I will be having words. I am not standing for this anymore.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 27/12/2013 20:47

Don't be ridiculous Caitlin17.

This child has been in the H life for 12 years. The BIL girlfriend has been in the family a long time. There just isn't an adoption certificate for the child or a wedding certificate for the girlfriend but for years everyone has treated them as if there were, then suddenly they aren't as it suits them.

OP walk away. You are not being seen as part of the family, your eldest isn't either. Can you let your younger ones be treated differently?

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 20:52

Xposted quite a few there.

I've said it before, but this is the tip of the iceberg. They seem happy enough to have my son playing with their DC, have him round to their house etc. Just not treat him the same as his sisters by including him in the gift giving.

I hold BIL equally responsibly but he's like a wet blanket when it comes to her. Seriously, I've no idea why he doesn't just tell her to stop being a dick. None of his friends like her either.

I'm not just saying this either, very few people like her because she's such a difficult person. It's not like she's lovely and has made this decision due to finances, drawing a line or whatever. She's sending a message to me. As has been pointed out, there's several ways they could have got around the issue without being cruel Angry.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 27/12/2013 20:54

What is ridiculous? OP doesn't even like these people. Why is it so bloody important they maintain a relationship? Her ex is still treating the boy as his own?

Personally I think all these expectations that aunts, uncles and other relatives should buy presents is plain grabby.

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 20:57

It's not just about a present. Stop being obtuse. It's about the message it sends to a child who sees these people as his family.

I'm wary about cutting them all out. My H's sister is lovely and has been very good to my son. Her DC get on really well together too. These people plus my very small famil are all He's got.

These people live in the same town as us, they don't have 100s to buy for. There are no good practical reasons for this. SIL doesn't even have any DNs on her side as she just got one step brother who is 16 without children.

Also, I don't love my DNs by marriage like I do my biological DNs. Doesn't mean I don't treat them equally though. In fact, I have adopted family members, I forget half the time because they are family and have been since they were welcomed into our family.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 21:00

Grabby? Couldn't care less about the gifts. In fact, my DSis and I agreed not to buy for each other's DC this year due to finances. But they ALL got nothing. Fine if BIL and SIL wanted to opt out of gift giving, but do it for ALL, not one.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 27/12/2013 21:01

GNG - I get it totally what you are saying. Caitlin is being deliberately stupid.

It is obviously NOT about wanting gifts as you would be happy for all to get less/nothing as long as ALL children were treated the same.

I can't stand it when kids are treated differently. It is spiteful.

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