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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we have THREE children and it's not ok to exclude one just because they are not a blood relative?

143 replies

GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 18:15

I have one DC from a previous relationship and two with my husband. All three have been treated as OUR children by the majority of the family.

However, one couple on H's side wouldn't ever buy birthday or Christmas gifts for our eldest. When they had DC of their own (3 years ago) they started buying for him.

However, h and I separated 4 months ago but still on good terms. This Christmas all his family bought for our three children with the exception of this couple. They did buy for my H's biological DC though.

AIBU to think this is disgusting? Just because we are no longer together doesn't mean my eldest is not H's child. To put into context, H has been in eldest's life since age two and he does not see his biological father and receives no gifts or maintenance from him. My H still considers him as his son and pays maintenance for him.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 27/12/2013 21:01

OP you have made it very clear you dont like the gf. Your opinion of the girlfriend is irrelevant. Your ex's brother must like her and that's all that matters as between them. Maybe she's fully aware of what you think of her and as you and the ex are no longer an item she's failing to see the need to continue giving presents to a child where there is now no connection.

missfliss · 27/12/2013 21:03

I think I've revised my opinion here.
I realised I wasn't comparing like with like. My SILs 2 elder girls from a previous relationship have a strong relationship with their dad and his family.
Not the same.
I would be angry too, and although I would choose my words carefully, I would be very explicitly asking them how they think a little child would feel about this.
Sorry for not understanding fully before my first post.

BrianTheMole · 27/12/2013 21:05

GNG - I get it totally what you are saying. Caitlin is being deliberately stupid.

Yes. Sounds about right.

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 21:09

Why is there no connection though? My DS will continue to be the son of their brother/BIL respectively. And she's a bitch if she's forgetting that.

No I don't like her. She's a nasty person. Like I said, tip of the iceberg. Until earlier this year, I was perfectly nice to her in the face of her twattishness since I didn't see it as my place to pull her up on her behaviour when the rest of the family didn't want to.

I think it's really short sighted of them to treat DS this way. I would love for none of my DC to have contact with her as she's toxic. Unfortunately, H doesn't agree with me.

missfliss, don't worry, I think a few posters have been comparing the situation to ones that are familiar to them but are different. DS is H's son for all purposes except genetically. He would have liked to adopt him but ex wouldn't give permission.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 27/12/2013 21:11

I'm failing to see why OP is so fixated on insisting 2 people she doesn't like give her son a present. She has just split up with the second father of her children and has a difficult relationship with the first father. I would have thought there is far bigger fish to fry at the moment.

missfliss · 27/12/2013 21:12

Thanks for understanding.
I think it's appalling for adults to show such a lack of concern for a little persons feelings.
I would address it, but be prepared for answers you don't like. I. Which case cut them out and move on, they don't deserve a role in your kids lives if they can't see what they have done is very wrong.
Good luck, I hope they see sense.

Sallystyle · 27/12/2013 21:20

This is one of the reasons why my relationship with the in-laws is so shabby.

I have three children from my first marriage. My youngest boy was just two years old when my new husband moved in so he has no memories of not having my in-laws in his life.

I have two more children with my current husband and my in-laws spoil them rotten but not my first three. The first three from my ex do get xmas gifts but nothing like the other two get and that only increased when we had a word with them about it.

It does send a message to them that they aren't as loved and important, which is hurtful considering they see them as grandparents because they were so young when they met her. Their feelings were getting hurt and they just couldn't understand why they were treated so differently. I should add it wasn't just about gifts, but the difference in treatment towards them all in general.

The children did have a relationship with their dad (until he died two weeks ago) and that side of the family but they still viewed my in-laws as their grandparents.

I don't think YABU OP. If your ex is the childs father, biologically or emotionally, then they should all be treated the same.

missfliss · 27/12/2013 21:23

I think this is what sums it up best from SamU2

I don't think YABU OP. If your ex is the childs father, biologically or emotionally, then they should all be treated the same.

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 21:30

Thank you SamU2. I'm really sorry to hear about your ex's death Flowers. I agree it's not in for adults to behave this way and honestly, I don't know how they have the heart to do it to them Sad.

Ok, caitlin, you're being a bit presumptuous there. I have tried my hardest for years to make my ex be the father to his son. I have long since given up hope that he will ever be able to be that for him. So according to you, I should keep flogging a dead horse so I can be distracted by am issue that is happening now? Ok then. Are you really 17? I'm guessing so. You'll keen soon that life is not quite so black and white as you seem to think it is Smile. I'm guessing you don't have children either? Maybe you'll understand when you do. I'm not 'fixated' either. I'm the right level of concerned over something that has just happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 27/12/2013 21:31

Too many typos. Hopefully you'll get the gist.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 27/12/2013 21:32

I find it hard to understand why people who have been in this child's life so long suddenly cut him out. I just wonder whether there could be any other reason, eg, they don't buy for kids over 13 or something? I'd like it to be that easy, that they just think everyone realises this because that's what they always do....but thats probably being too kind. As others have said they could buy a joint gift for all to share. its just mean.

MrsDeVere · 27/12/2013 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

legoplayingmumsunite · 28/12/2013 00:17

I find the attitude of some people here unbelievable. My cousin is a foster parent (short term). Everyone in the family bought a small gift for their foster child because we all thought it wouldn't be nice for a 2 year old to not get presents to open when the rest of the family did. It doesn't take much thought to realise that. And unless you are very short of money an extra £5 gift really isn't much to tell a child they are cared about.

Pimpf · 28/12/2013 00:30

I personally wouldn't leave it to your h, I would tell them myself that they're not welcome. You know he's not going to do it, so you either have to put up with them there or do it yourself.

And I agree, it's not about the present, it's about treating all the children equally, I'm amazed that people can't see that

MusicalEndorphins · 28/12/2013 01:27

if you don't say anything, and if you still welcome someone into your home, who was rude, disrespectful and insensitive to you and your child, you have nobody to blame but yourself. In your case, I would hand the presents given to your other children back to them. You are a mother, act like one. If you don't stand up for your children, and set an example of right and wrong, who will?

Dh told a close family friend of his grandparents whom we usually only saw at Christmas and maybe 2-3 times tops year round, only gave to ds and ignored my ds from previous marriage that it was all the children or neither of them. The grandparents friend then gave family gifts from then on on to all of us. I would have preferred nothing, as I was offended and hold a grudge when it comes to my children being treated unfairly and rudely. Happily we only saw him a few times after that, as he moved back to his homeland a few years later.

MusicalEndorphins · 28/12/2013 01:41

Hope that made sense. I rushed it, here is what I would edit it to, if we had an editing feature here.
Dh told a close family friend of his grandparents, of whom we usually only saw at Christmas time and then maybe 2-3 other times tops year round, only gave to ds and ignored my ds from previous marriage one year.

DH phoned him the next day when we realized that there was no gift for ds1, (we didn't notice on Christmas Day, as there were so many presents being opened, and a large crowd) and as politely as possible when broaching an awkward situation, explained to him that it had to be presents for both of the children, or neither of them.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/12/2013 03:13

dizzyZebra

You've named your dd in a post you may want t report it and get it edited unless I'm Mixi g you up with someone else your dont want your ex working out your nn

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 28/12/2013 03:48

"Who wants to be connected to someone who would treat a child in the way described in the OP? It shows a serious flaw in their morals and personalities. Not the sort of people I want to be around."

As MrsDeVere wrote, I second.

I wouldn't worry too much about the dissenters, I've noticed a few of these grumpy sounding nay Sayers hanging around this December, Christmas doesn't bring out the best in everyone .

Greenmug · 28/12/2013 08:03

I'm absolutely gobsmacked that anyone would think that this is ok. This lad has not just 'arrived' in the family, he has been a part of it for 12 years, so in my view is still a part of it. That the OP and her H have separated should not mean that ANY of the children are no longer considered family, the fact that the OPs son is not a 'blood' relative is not relevant IMO.

My sister and her H separated two years ago and we all still consider her ex's daughter part of the family she joined 10 years ago. Whd

Ledkr · 28/12/2013 08:14

Give them a thankyou card from all the dc then quietly point out that "I bought dc1 a gift from you as I didn't want him to think you were leaving him out"
Passive aggressive? Absolutely.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 28/12/2013 08:24

I have asked H time and time again to either tell them to stop being cunts or to cut them out but he refuses.

FFS just tell them yourself then. Clearly it bothers you more than it bothers him so stop whinging about it and just bloody tell them.

helenthemadex · 28/12/2013 08:47

I have a similar situation with exh and his family, when we split up I was pregnant with our 3rd dd. None of this family have ever bought anything for her even though she is his biological daughter, they dont really acknowledge she exists, she is 5 now it makes my blood boil. The ex inlaws are practicing christians to.

I buy my daughter something extra to open when the older two are away with their father for Christmas, assholes the lot of them

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 28/12/2013 08:47

Thanks everyone. I'm glad that most people can see where I am coming from on this and think IANBU.

MrsDV, how lovely that your family have been so accepting of your little boy. I mentioned up thread that I have adopted nieces but I always forget that they are not 'blood' relatives - they're just my nieces iyswim. I can't imagine my family behaving this way had my H brought a child that was from a previous relationship into our family.

The party is at a playgym so I'm not sure about my options for excluding them. In the past, most of her shitty behaviour was aimed at me and the stuff that affected the DC could be explained away if they tried. This though, completely shows their attitude towards my son and I don't think it is on.

I'm not very good at confrontation but thought about sending an email or text. Is that a complete cop out? Whilst I would love to cut them off completely, without my H on board it's going to be difficult. He wouldn't like me dictating who his DC can and can't see. Having said that, I will be discussing this in very strong terms and letting him know that if any of his family don't consider ALL our children as family, then none of them are family.

Similarly the gifts are at his house so I don't know how I would be able to get them to give them back. I love all the pa suggestions made here though. If only my H would cooperate Angry.

OP posts:
pixiepotter · 28/12/2013 08:47

however much the os doesn t like it the fact remains that her younger two are related to her ex 's family her ds is not. If you have chosen to io down the route oe having children with different fathers then this is the deal .they are going to have different extended families , who may not have the means os inclination to treat non related children the same .

Original poster
GoodNewsGrinch · 28/12/2013 09:05

Oh, ok pixie. Should have foreseen this then and it's only what DS deserves since I was foolish enough not to have all my children with the abusive wanker I got with as a 12 year old Hmm. He doesn't have another extended family - this is his family.

Although, SIL has a step brother through marriage but she refers to him as her brother. Also, her father is not her bio father either but she calls him dad and he treats her as his own, as he does his step son. So it's ok to do this when it suits her.

OP posts: