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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

can't decide if they're being unreasonable or I am?

62 replies

VelvetSpoon · 27/12/2013 15:26

Feel I'm losing all perspective due to being at home/no interaction with another adult since Christmas Eve, and very little with the DC since Christmas Day...so have no idea if this should be pissing me off or not!

For many years I have a small group of friends I'd meet up with over Christmas. Originally it was Christmas Day or Boxing Day at my house. Soon after I became a LP, they decided they had other things to do, and it got shifted to the weekend between Christmas and New Year, sometimes but not always at my house. There would be an expectation that if it was here I'd provide unlimited food and drink, and no-one would lift a finger (other than to help themselves to more food and drink...)

Earlier this year there were a couple of occasions where get-togethers were suggested in places difficult for me to get to (I don't have a car and no lift was offered) which I ended up not going to as I simply couldn't afford the additional 2 hours travelling there and back at what was a busy time. I am also the only one of the group who has DC.

I have been trying to be more assertive in terms of friendships recently, and take less shit. So, re the Christmas visit, date was agreed as this Saturday. I said it would need to be at mine (to avoid me having the hassle of travelling etc), but that I wouldn't be doing food.

Last I heard was last Saturday where one friend said ok, I'll let you know when we're coming. Another friend sent a generic Happy Xmas message on FB, no mention of this visit. I could text round and chase them as to when they're coming/if they're coming at all, but I slightly resent having to do so, should they not have let me know already?

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 27/12/2013 15:28

Have you suggested a start time?

koTinkaBell · 27/12/2013 15:29

yanbu, they're a bit usey, should have definitely confirmed by now too.

MrsCosmopilite · 27/12/2013 15:36

I think you need some new friends! :/

I have occasional 'at home' type things, and many of my friends have either older DC's or none. The standard thing is I provide SOME food (e.g. cheesboard, crackers), and SOME drink (juice, tea, coffee, small quantity of alcohol), and the invitees bring something each. As each person confirms and asks what to bring, I ask them for something sweet/savoury/drink (according to what we need). So far, it's all worked out very well.

If you've not heard back, send a chaser to those who've not responded and be clear on a time. If you don't get enough responses, book yourself and your DC a day, and go out.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 27/12/2013 15:43

I've not suggested a time, as I had expected them to let me know. Possibly they will, but at this rate it will prob be tomorrow morning!

I'm a bit resentful about the food stuff, it's not 'me' because I am very much the sort of person who will always rustle up a huge table of food for guests, but I'm fed up with feeling like they're taking the piss...

OP posts:

Minnieisthechristmasmouse · 27/12/2013 15:46

On the other hand if they think you can't even be bothered to organise as it's at yours, why should they go to much trouble?

If it's at yours, u own it. You organise time date how food done how drink done (bring a plate/bring nothing etc)

Maybe they aren't sure you're actually doing a party???

koTinkaBell · 27/12/2013 15:49

I think it's unfair to be expected to supply all the food and drink. why can't the guests bring a bottle and a plate of nibbles?

AgentProvocateur · 27/12/2013 15:53

It sounds to me like they're doing you a favour by coming to yours - you wouldn't travel to another get-together, so presumably they'd need to travel to yours. And if none of them has DC, they probably prefer to go out for a meal/drinks somewhere, but will come to yours because you don't want the "hassle" of travelling (maybe travelling to yours is a hassle for them?"

TBH, if a friend invited me to hers to save herself the trouble of travelling, but then said she wasng doing food, I'm not sure that I'd bother.

koTinkaBell · 27/12/2013 15:54

velvet. it sounds like you should have made more firm plans in the first place, giving a time, asking them to bring something and to reply so you know who's coming.

would it be worth posting a quick message to see if it's still on?

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 27/12/2013 15:56

It's not a party, just a get-together for 4 friends. I have in the past done a proper lunch/dinner, constant snacks in between, but I really can't be bothered to do that now - hence saying I won't be doing food.

I had no idea what other arrangements they already had for tomorrow, hence leaving it to them to tell me when they'd be over. Possibly I should have said a specific time.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 27/12/2013 15:56

Well they might be pissed off that you've (a) insisted its at yours to suit you and (b) are not doing any food or suggesting a pot luck. You don't sound massively hospitable.

Caitlin17 · 27/12/2013 15:56

The whole situation sounds odd. Most of my friends either don't have children or only grown up children. We regularly have get togethers at home, the host provides buffet type food but everyone brings something.
To me this sounds as if there isn't anything arranged.

MummySantaHoHoHo · 27/12/2013 15:58

sounds ot me like this friendship group has died a natural death, this is what happens when only one person has DCs.

Also a ring a plate party is the norm these days,

WooWooOwl · 27/12/2013 15:59

It doesn't sound like you've given a very clear invitation, so YABU to expect a clear response.

How easy do they find it to get to yours?

firesidechat · 27/12/2013 16:03

If someone invited me to their house for a social, I would expect them to tell me the arrival time or, at the very least, for the host to start a discussion on a time that suits everyone. As a guest I wouldn't be telling you what time I would be arriving.

Also rather than just say that you weren't doing any food, perhaps it might have been better to say that you would provide some and that you would appreciate everyone bringing a plate to share. Most of my get togethers over Christmas are on that basis.

I think that your invite may have come across as a bit grudging and your friends may have picked up on that.

I'm not saying that you're wrong to be annoyed at them because their previous behaviour doesn't sound particularly nice. Only you can decide if the relationships are worth keeping or whether it's time to call it a day.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 27/12/2013 16:03

Thing is, I've been overly hospitable in the past, for years, and I feel it's taken advantage of. Hence me being more assertive.

It is far less hassle for them coming to me than for me visiting any of them, as I'm the only one without a car.

They wouldn't normally suggest going out for a meal, that's not really something any of them do. When we last met up in the summer it was for a picnic (food mainly supplied by me).

OP posts:

DramaMcLama · 27/12/2013 16:04

Why didn't you say 'I'll provide x, can everyone else bring something too?'

inviting v everyone to yours so you don't travel yourself and then providing nothing is bad form imo, so yabu.

applepieplease · 27/12/2013 16:07

I sympathise on lack of adult company. I have been entirely alone ( no children either) since the 21st.

BuffyxSummers · 27/12/2013 16:09

Isn't it easier for the person hosting to set a time rather than three or four other people to sort a time back and forth with each other then let you know?

But putting that aside, it sounds like this friendship group has had a change of balance now you have dc and it's time just may naturally be up for you.

WhoNickedMyName · 27/12/2013 16:11

YABU.

You won't and haven't travelled to any of the other get togethers that have been arranged, you will only meet up with them if they all come to yours, you haven't firmed up any arrangements and you have told them you won't be doing food.

I wouldn't be putting myself out to make an effort to attend.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 27/12/2013 16:15

I've known these friends since school - should add my DC are teens now, so they've known me a long time, and with DC (if that makes sense)

The timing thing is something we've tended to do in the past, I suppose it sounds strange to others. But 2 of the friends are always busy with stuff, whereas my day is fairly free. I'd just like to have a bit of notice.

Re bringing food, if I suggested that they would either opt for getting a takeaway, or bring something to cook here, I doubt any of them would turn up with anything prepared. It may well be that a takeaway gets suggested tomorrow in any event, which is fine with me.

OP posts:

impatientlywaiting · 27/12/2013 16:19

OP I can understand if you feel like you've been put upon in the past, but perhaps in trying to be more assertive you're inadvertently not being a great host.

You've said in a few of your posts that you can't be bothered with the hassle, and that attitude might have come across to friends and it may mean they aren't as bothered about coming.

You've stipulated that the gathering has to be at your house as you don't want to travel and also said you aren't doing food. So even though there are 4 of you the whole event has been geared around what you are prepared to do. Your friends might have been more than happy to put on food at their house and make it a bit more of a party, but they can't do that as you've already said you won't go anywhere.

It appears like you feel like your friends owe you something because you don't drive. It might be easier for them to come to you, in terms of travel time, but just because you don't drive doesn't mean that you then have to go to absolutely no effort, and they have to do all of the effort - in travelling to your house and either being expected to bring food, or not have any.

I think that you need to decide if you want to continue the friendship? If you do, it's not ok to put no effort in and be surprised when people don't jump at the chance to spend time with you.

Sounds like you've had a bit of a rough time, but in completely giving up with making any effort you might be making yourself more isolated.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 27/12/2013 16:20

Just to clarify, I have attended other meet-ups between our group in various locations both this year and previously, the 2 I missed were in locations it would take me a long time to get to, at a time when I was v busy. I have done journeys almost as long to see them at less busy times so I certainly don't expect it all one way!

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/12/2013 16:25

I'd have said 'mine at 6; x you bring some breadsticks/dips - y you bring cake, Z you bring some drinks [hic] and I'll have soup/chilli and some rice waiting for you. See you then'.

Then if they don't turn up you can just use the chilli for your dinner for a couple of days [put the rice on when they get there]. You have to take charge of these things.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 27/12/2013 16:28

There's only one other person in the group who would have offered to host (the others homes are too small/unsuitable) but had they done so, it would have been crisps/nuts and drinks, possibly a takeaway later. So not really much different from what I'm envisaging at mine.

OP posts:

FlowerytaleofNewYork · 27/12/2013 16:32

I think it depends whether you said "it needs to be at mine and I'm not doing food", as you indicate in your OP, or "it would really help me out if you could all come to mine rather than meeting somewhere else, also I'm happy to host but am a bit strapped so if you could bring some food that would be much appreciated"

If it was the latter, I would have expected people to say " sure no problem, I'll bring dessert (or whatever), what time do you want us"

If it was the former, I'm not surprised people aren't rushing to offer food and check timings, because that sounds like you really don't want to meet up at all and don't want them to come.

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