can't decide if they're being unreasonable or I am?

[VelvetSpoon]

Feel I'm losing all perspective due to being at home/no interaction with another adult since Christmas Eve, and very little with the DC since Christmas Day...so have no idea if this should be pissing me off or not!

For many years I have a small group of friends I'd meet up with over Christmas. Originally it was Christmas Day or Boxing Day at my house. Soon after I became a LP, they decided they had other things to do, and it got shifted to the weekend between Christmas and New Year, sometimes but not always at my house. There would be an expectation that if it was here I'd provide unlimited food and drink, and no-one would lift a finger (other than to help themselves to more food and drink...)

Earlier this year there were a couple of occasions where get-togethers were suggested in places difficult for me to get to (I don't have a car and no lift was offered) which I ended up not going to as I simply couldn't afford the additional 2 hours travelling there and back at what was a busy time. I am also the only one of the group who has DC.

I have been trying to be more assertive in terms of friendships recently, and take less shit. So, re the Christmas visit, date was agreed as this Saturday. I said it would need to be at mine (to avoid me having the hassle of travelling etc), but that I wouldn't be doing food.

Last I heard was last Saturday where one friend said ok, I'll let you know when we're coming. Another friend sent a generic Happy Xmas message on FB, no mention of this visit. I could text round and chase them as to when they're coming/if they're coming at all, but I slightly resent having to do so, should they not have let me know already?

A lot of people these days seem to think plain rude=assertive. Op, see many posts above for good advice as to how to phrase things. To be honest, what kind of host(ess) would not provide food, provided they could afford it. Of course, a polite guest would always bring some food, drink and/or a small gift, all according to means.

They've been coming to my house for 17 years. They've never brought food or a gift, and only brought drink (to drink themselves) if it was a party with a big group of people.

Asking them to bring food would be pointless, at best they'd bring something ready made to cook in my oven.

What I said when this was discussed was 'look I've had a lot on, plus the DC will be here over Xmas, so can we meet up at mine pls? Also I do so much cooking over Xmas, I'm not really up for prep'ing another big meal. Obviously there'll be snacks etc. Hope you understand'

To which responses were yes that's fine, we'll let you know about timings nearer the time.

I really don't think I'm rude. The view among other people I know who aware of the general situation with these friends (leaving aside the present scenario) is they treat me like a doormat, and expect far too much, and that I need to take a stand because otherwise nothing will change.

I was willing to think they were being unfair to you if you have always provided food etc until

It is far less hassle for them coming to me than for me visiting any of them, as I'm the only one without a car

Its not their fault you dont drive and maybe just maybe them always having to traipse to you because of you lack of car is pissing them off...

Well, you've stood up for yourself and now you're facing the "consequences". Well done, you are about to find out if they are usey gits with no manners. Your email sounds quite reasonable.

I also think it would be reasonable to give them a chase along the lines of "looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Any news on timings?"

Good friends would say "shit sorry forgot we hadn't done that. How bout ..." if they don't want to come, they'll make their excuses.

BTW if I have a small gathering for 3 or friends, they all bring snacks or a drink.

I text them all at 5.30 saying Happy Xmas, are we all still on for tomorrow? Can you let me know what time you're planning to get to mine pls?

As yet, no response...

You need to give a time. I know you feel used in the past but you sound very surly and inhospitable and I'm not sure I would fancy visiting.

I think you sound a bit unreasonable actually. You expect people to pander to your needs as you don't drive and are refusing to provide food.

Yes being able to drive makes life easier but there is still a cost of running a car and fuel etc that is a saving for you.

What actually is wrong with them bringing something to put in the oven?

You can be assertive without being unfriendly. If I was you I would say 'how does xx time work for everyone?' And ask each of them to bring something to eat.

I think it's pretty rude to host without providing food. How much cost and effort is involved in buying a couple of frozen pizzas from the shop and bunging them in the oven?

Why are you expecting them to tell you the time . We've guests coming tomorrow, we've told them what time to be here.

I think I would be confused if you wanted to get together. I would think you are tired of the annual arrangement.

In a conversation face to face its easy to sort times agree if its pot luck pot or a take away. But by text it needs to be clear. I think that's where it's gone wrong.

I don't think you are clear on the food arrangements either except you are not cooking as as the host you should surely suggest a time and suggest food arrangements.

I would phone and speak to friends to sort out what's happening otherwise you might become sour about this.

As mentioned, 2 of usually have other plans, it tends to be easier for them to let me know than for me to specify a time, it's the way we've always done it. I would just like at least 24 hours notice.

We never speak on the phone, stuff always gets arranged by text. Although last-minute stuff again isn't new, earlier this year they were coming to me 'after work', I got a text at 7ish saying they'd be late and eventually they turned up at 11pm.

Perhaps they just ain't interested. Who the hell turns up after 11pm (unless there's brilliant reason ) ?

I think you are all being unreasonable, though them more than you!

Maybe the annual thing on this particular weekend has run its course?

If you're hosting in future, better to suggest a specific time and arrangements, e.g mid-afternoon with take-away later, and follow up to confirm. Email to all is better than text as people more likely to commit!

Apparently on that occasion the traffic was bad - clearly they hadn't left til 10 even so...

I've now had a text from one of them, advising one of the others is ill, so they're all postponing til sometime in late January, tba.

At least now I know.

On the 11pm occasion, they were staying the night, and we were going somewhere the next day. But tbh I was waiting to go to bed!

And yes, good job in the circs I hadn't bought food for tomorrow...

Yes, good job you hadn't got lots of food organised. Get yourself a nice takeaway tomorrow night and watch something you love on tv....

I agree with oldraver.

As a driver I find it hugely annoying when non drivers assume it's 'easier' for the drivers to do the travelling. It is not easier, it's just someone else having the hassle. Even worse when non drivers don't consider how expensive fuel is nowadays.

If a journey takes 3 times or more as long by public transport as it does by car, then it's quite plainly a lot easier to travel by car.

Also, public transport isn't exactly cheap. And only runs during certain hours - and at weekends often doesn't run at all due to engineering works.

It's academic anyway, as they have cancelled due to illness. I'm leaving it to them to rearrange.

I think you are missing the point about it being easier to drive. I am a driver and we have a similar annual arrangement. This year, one would prefer us to travel to her (usually I host). If I drive it will take 45 mins, by train 1.5 hours. It is easier to travel by car.
Otoh if I host it, I don't have a 45 minute drive. My friend has a 2 min drive and friend c has a 30 second walk. It is easier for the friend who wants us to travel to her if we drive, and it is quicker if I drive, but I don't want to drive 45 mins. Does that make sense?