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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my 21 month cannot stay up till midnight at mil 70th party??

128 replies

Cazm2 · 27/12/2013 07:44

Hi all my mil birthday party tomo at a local members club. I have 21 month old DD, we are all going but I am going to bring her home prob 930-1000pm. DH and mil think this is early it's a one off so should stay later! She has just had an exhausting Christmas with 9pm bedtimes and no day naps Christmas or Boxing Day, she is knackered. I cannot get babysitter as everyone has been invited so will bring her home and have to stay home whilst DH stays at party- again getting hassle for!!! Someone please help me out!!!!!!!

OP posts:

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 27/12/2013 08:14

YANBU, just bring her home when you see fit.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 27/12/2013 08:15

surely you can get one of your friends to babysit

Why on earth would you assume this is possible??

livinginawinterwonderland · 27/12/2013 08:18

YANBU at all. Tell DH that if you bring her, he's 100% responsible both at the party and the next day when she's over-tired, grumpy and full of tantrums. If he's not willing to deal with it, then do what you want if you have to deal with the consequences!

annieorangutan · 27/12/2013 08:18

cake?

Fairylea · 27/12/2013 08:20

There's no way either of my dc would have ever fallen asleep in a buggy - at all, even as a young baby let alone a toddler- so I wouldn't even be going! If they aren't asleep in bed in the dark by about 6.30 they get progressively more grumpy and upset and are hell the next day. Just do what you want to do. It's tough.

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 27/12/2013 08:21

Because cake most of MN assumes we all have babysitters on tap at all times rather than the truth that most of our friends have small children as well.

They would be happy to cover in an emergency. A party is not an emergency.

Joysmum · 27/12/2013 08:22

Personally, I'd hand her over to hubby when you e had enough and tell him to give you a shout when he wants to leave.

annieorangutan · 27/12/2013 08:25

Just cause your friends have kids they wouldnt take 1 two year old and make you miss a big party like this? Im surprised tbh

IrisWildthyme · 27/12/2013 08:26

If its local I agree you can play it by ear and see how it goes - if she falls asleep in a corner or in a pram, all well and good. if she heads to melt-down, take her home. many's the time at weddings I've seen a small child just curl up and sleep on the floor when they are too tired to party any more - it's a one-off and not trying to be more flexible comes across as you using your child as an excuse to duck out of your MIL's party - if you agree to try but are open to doing whatever is necessary on the day (including going home early if all else fails) then that's fine.

averywoomummy · 27/12/2013 08:28

You sound perfectly reasonable!

No way would either of mine been able to stay up until 12 at that age. They also really needed their bedtime routine and it would be cruel to try and make them sleep in a buggy in a crowded noisy room.

I also can't understand the mentality of a MIL who wants her grandchild to be tired and miserable basically just because she wants her to be at her party until the end. DD will be putting in an appearance so MIL will be able to have a birthday hug and the relatives will be able to have a hold - to me that's all that's required no need to be there the whole time. It's just selfish if you ask me.

Also 100% guaranteed that when DD was crying and tired at 11pm MIL and DH would not be the ones who ended up comforting her - nope that would be you so you would just end up with a miserable evening and then suffering the next day with a tired child.

If I was you I would put my foot down on this one!

waitandsee · 27/12/2013 08:28

Not being unreasonable at all! I find I am just unable to relax,let alone enjoy myself when put in these situations. Especially as (I am guessing) everyone else plans to be hungover the next day, leaving you to deal with the fall out. Fair dues to the parents that do and can go with the flow, for me and my DD, it's just not worth it. Stick to your guns OP!

MamaBear17 · 27/12/2013 08:29

I would want to do exactly as you have suggested. Ask your DH why he wants dd to stay - what will she get out of it? By 9pm my 2 year old would be fed up and wanting her bed. Your DH and MIL only want her there later because THEY want her there, not because she will be missing out if she goes home. You are being perfectly reasonable.

Original poster

Cazm2 · 27/12/2013 08:29

Thanks all it may seem I am being pfb probably am but she was never a great sleeper and is a nightmare getting her to nap! I may take her buggy but actually I don't think I should leave her in a corner of a dark dingy members bar with 10 people drinking messing around. I won't be drinking a lot anyway to keep alert for her and it's not my mothers bday therefore assumed DH would rather drink. mil had pursed her lips when told the situation, it was my choice to let her stay up but I thought her first proper Christma, I tried putting her down during day but wouldn't sleep. Yesterday she was whingy didn't know what she wanted, so knackered. I just think she has plenty of time when older to so these things she is still young. Unfortunately I would just ring up any old person to babysit as I don't like random people that my DD doesn't see very often. Plus the only person this would benefit is me being able to stay out! I agree with lady lunch my life has changed since having her and it's not reasonable to assume otherwise!

OP posts:

natwebb79 · 27/12/2013 08:30

I completely understand you OP. My similar aged DS would just get more and more cranky and would never fall asleep in a buggy. it always pisses me off when I see poor miserable knackered small children at such events when it's for the adults' benefit. I personally would pay for a baby sitter or stay home with DC.

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 27/12/2013 08:31

Well, let's see annieorangutan...of the 7 women I could call on to babysit my son at all, 6 of them have one child my son's age (4) and one child less than a year. The other one has one child my son's age. She might do it.

So, yes, except for an emergency, which this is not, it's a party, I would never even ask, never mind expect that they would say yes.

It's a party. It's not a royal summons.

inadreamworld · 27/12/2013 08:32

I think my DD 2.8 should go instead. She WANTS to stay up as long as possible every night and NEVER naps in the day!!

Seriously you know your child best and leave early if she is tired and won't sleep in buggy. You could try buggy idea and see what happens but leave if she gets cranky...

SirChenjin · 27/12/2013 08:32

Stand your ground and say you will be leaving earlier - tough if they don't like it. None of my DCs would have drifted off in a pram at a loud party, and none of the adults would have expected them to.

YANBU.

Flisspaps · 27/12/2013 08:33

DD at that age would turn into a thrashing, screaming, inconsolable nightmare at 6.30pm at that age. No sleeping in the buggy, on a lap, the floor etc. It had to be bed or nothing, on time.

DS is largely the same but you might squeeze 8pm before he turns into a pumpkin.

I missed several family events due to the DC being unable to sleep anywhere other than their bed. It was annoying, but not as annoying as carting a screaming, unhappy, knackered child round a party whilst everyone around thinks 'just go bloody home'

It's very easy to suggest using the buggy if you have a child that will sleep in one. It's ludicrous to even attempt it you have a child that won't.

MidniteScribbler · 27/12/2013 08:35

I think its mean to expect a baby to sleep with loud music on.

LOL I basically grew up in a dance studio. Loud music never bothered me (except that I can now sleep through pretty much anything!). Babies are pretty adaptable creature in many situations.

OP, Tell your family you are staying. Then when it gets to 10pm and she's throwing a strop you can use the excuse that you tried but will just have to take her home. Then they think that you're doing what they want, when really you're doing what you want and you get to play the martyr card while you're at it!

annieorangutan · 27/12/2013 08:38

god - you would never cope here then I also have a one year old and five year old and will take my friends kids whenever and vice versa. Some of my friends have 3 under 5 and still do it.

Roisin · 27/12/2013 08:39

This thread brings it all back to me: my boys loved their beds, were always fractious and grumpy when tired. AND they never slept in the next morning, no matter how tired they were, but would be a nightmare for a couple of days if they'd not had enough sleep. This may sound pfb-ness, but it's just how they were. I always intended to have children that I could just trog around with me, but it wasn't like that.

So I soon learned to develop a thick skin, ignore the raised eyebrows and just do what we needed to do for an easy life. Often this was to decline the invitation in the first place, or for just one of us to go.

My babies are 14 and 16 now and late nights are not a problem! They are charming and can converse with strangers and relatives and strange relatives and we can all enjoy the evening.

I don't regret the years of missed parties at all.

oadcb · 27/12/2013 08:40

Your child your choice.

Ive taken my daughter to family party's at that age. Changed her into PJs and drove home after.Risky if she woke after car journey but it worked.

If I thought she would have be a grump next day I wouldn't have done it though just to please others. I would have suffered it if it was an event I really wanted to go to though.

SomethingkindaOod · 27/12/2013 08:43

The problem with letting them fall asleep in the buggy is the whole issue of sorting it out when you get home, mine would have been fine to fall asleep wherever they were out and have done on a few occasions (and maybe I have been judged for it, but on one occasion I was the bride so judgeypants people could sod off!) but it's the getting them home and shoes etc off that's the bugger. Aside from the fact that you can bet they will have pooed and need a nappy change the disruption usually leads to tears and being awake at 2am!
What you plan to do is fine, it's not like you're going then leaving straight away and it leaves you wiggle room for an extra half hour if you can get away with it.

averywoomummy · 27/12/2013 08:45

midnitescribbler that may be the case for you but not all children are like that. I can assure you my children would absolutely hate being in a situation like that and it would be cruel to put them into that situation.

I don't think OP should need to make up excuses or "try" to keep DD up. Just decide what is best for your DD and tell them that is what you are doing. Most reasonable people accept that when you have very young children you are not necessarily able to do everything that you could before and would make allowances for this.

MIL is just being selfish!

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 27/12/2013 08:45

I cope just fine, thanks. I find it odd that you think it's okay to burden your friends with extra children for a party.

As I said, I have cover for an emergency. I would never presume on my friends in any other situation.

Are you sure your friends are all okay on it and aren't just being polite?

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