To think 'they won't remember' is a stupid thing to say?

[LightminTheQueem]

So many people tell me reassuringly when the baby's upset going to sleep, or if she's hurt and upset or if they're proposing CIO or any number of things, 'don't worry, she won't remember any of this' as if it's almost therefore ok to do things which upset babies because they'll have no memory of it. It irritates me. Is it therefore ok to do the same to someone with memory loss? Have none of them seen 'Memento'? Can they not sense their cruel inhumanity to their fellow memory deprived humans? Hmm?

Parents not patents

Earls - of course bad things happen, I think the point people have made is that if something unpleasant e.g. a medical procedure or nasty accident happens during infancy, having supportive and sympathetic parents makes it manageable and unlikely to cause life-long trauma. If a baby isn't supported and cared for during the bad experience, it is more likely to have a lasting effect.

Ooooh perfect edams

Just what I would have liked to say!!! Brain does not function very well!!

I don't think anyone has suggested otherwise Earlspearl

Good posts CailinDana.

Ziggy, I think the difference from your experience of PND and CIO/CC is that you didn't choose to have PND.

OP I don't like the whole 'they won't remember' thing, I remember a HT saying the same regarding an incident of sexual abuse on a 3 yr old. They may well not remember the incident or the details of it, but that doesn't mean it won't have any affect on the child. saying they won't remember implies it won't have any/a negative affect, which isn't necessarily true.

Saying it is minimising.

I think it only counts for things like parents splitting/divorcing, abuse etc

I'm not sure comforting a baby leads to them being close to their parents. As an infant my mum and dad cuddled and comforted me when I was fearful, upset or physically and emotionally hurt. I am not close to them. I tell them very little and I don't talk to them about deeper issues at all. I tend to go for small talk like what the weather is doing and boring shite in the newspapers. I feel that I'm not close enough to tell them anything and spent most of my time holed up in my room to actively avoid them. As an adult, I simply see my parents as the people who raised me, but there is no bond there at all.

Comforting a baby lays the foundations of a relationship chiggers, it doesn't mean parents then can stop making an effort as their children get older and need more complex support.

Chiggers
Early experiences lay down the neuronal pathways that all other relationships depend on
A child who has not had early love and care will have difficulties in forming relationships
It is not just the relationship with the parent but all other relationships that are dependent on this attachment
I do not think there is enough education on how essential the first relationships are, I know midwives who are very uneducated on attachment

Roadwalker, I understand that this is evidence based, but although I had loads of love and was never left to CIO, as a baby and as I was growing, yet I don't have any bond with my parents and very little bond with my siblings. I have more of a bond with DH and the DC, but even that is a very limited bond. I tend to keep everyone at arms length and don't let anyone to get too close because I hate anyone knowing my business. DH is the person I am closest to, but even then I didn't tell him I was getting sterilised until 2hrs before the operation.

That was meant to be "for instance DH is the person..........

I'm incredibly tired now but will be back in the morning.

Just because babies and children don't recall certain things in their life doesn't mean it hasn't affected them at all.
They are learning all the time and its the same as becoming accustomed to your surroundings and the people caring for you. It shapes your future imo.

It is a stupid thing to say.

It doesn't matter that we can't consciously remember what happened in our first 18 months - those experiences and relationships have still made us what we are today.