Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To say I won't see my uncles new baby yet?

23 replies

CrashGoesTheTree · 26/12/2013 21:12

My uncle has been a pretty useless dad since he split with his ExW 7 years ago. My cousins are 12, 17 and 21. I am 20, but have a 1 y/o DS.
His DP gave birth a week ago, and he still hasn't invited any of his children to see his new DD, they have mostly been ignored, or fobbed off each time they contact him.

My uncle has invited me, DP and DS to go over tomorrow by text, I replied saying "I think (cousins) should meet (DD) first, but I would love to meet her once they've seen her." He replied saying he isn't sure when they will but would like it if I would tomorrow.
I'm torn because I would love to meet her, and understand that his DP might prefer to talk to someone with a baby rather than his children, but they are still the new babies siblings!
It doesn't feel right meeting her before my cousins, especially when he doesn't seem to intend for them to any time soon. He usually see's each of them every couple of weeks though often not all together. There is no big issues between them and his DP other than her commenting about seeing my cousins disrupting their plans sometimes if it's last minute.

OP posts:

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 26/12/2013 21:15

It's not really up to you, is it? If you want to see the baby, see the baby. If you don't, don't.

You've been invited. They haven't.

Coldlightofday · 26/12/2013 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 26/12/2013 21:20

You're thinking into it too deeply and trying to control a situation that isn't yours to control

Casmama · 26/12/2013 21:22

I disagree with others- stand your ground. I think it will be beneficial for your uncle to see from a third party that his behaviour is unacceptable.

As for the p well she presumably knew your uncle had kids when they got together and should expect hem to visit a new sibling.

Edinbugger · 26/12/2013 21:24

Disagree with previous posters. His other children should meet their half sister before anyone else does. You've already said as much so just text back again saying you'll be happy to meet the baby once she's med her step-siblings. He sounds like a knob.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 26/12/2013 21:25

How is his behaviour unacceptable?

nannynewo · 26/12/2013 21:25

You sound as though you would like to meet the baby and she is your baby cousin so it would be a shame to wait around for what could be a long time when you could be starting a relationship. You seem to be standing by the baby's older siblings who are exactly the same related to you as the baby is, so I think you should visit her.

If or when her siblings meet her is between your uncle and them so it is best to stay out of it and carry on your good relationship with them and starting a new one with your new cousin.

Edinbugger · 26/12/2013 21:27

It's unacceptable because he is already a father to three children and as such should introduce his new child to her step siblings first. He's not doing it because he's a coward.

dozeydoris · 26/12/2013 21:31

It's a baby - the baby won't have a clue who has met it but it's older siblings will know that they weren't invited.
This is for the DUncle's DP not for the baby. Stay away until the others have been.

Wishfulmakeupping · 26/12/2013 21:34

I think you are doing the right thing I hope it makes him see sense and sort out for his children to meet their new sibling soon.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 26/12/2013 21:38

It is up to you whether you go or not and i agree with you. And why shouldnt people point out when oter people are being shit to their kids? I wish someone would have a word with my exp and maybe he'd wake up and see what others think of him.

Coldlightofday · 26/12/2013 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 · 26/12/2013 21:57

I think if more people were like you and called people out on crappy behaviours then the world would be a nicer place.

sykadelic15 · 27/12/2013 02:50

Edinbugger - HALF sibling. If they share a parent they're half siblings. If they don't share a parent, they're step.

OP - do you know his personal situation enough to know whether or not they've invited his kids and his ex is stopping them? Either from it being a non-contact day or whatever? Have you considered that anything you know about his parenting has less to do with him and more to do with his ex (I read threads on here all the time where the man is basically pushed out by the female ex and controlling visitation).

Have you also considered how his partner feels? She's probably still emotional. Wants to share the joy of being a new parent and his family (not hers) are saying no? You'd feel like absolute crap if you were her (or I would).

Honestly it's a baby. It's not like it's going to remember who it met first. Yes I agree the kids SHOULD go first and in an ideal world they would, but I doubt you know the whole truth about all that and instead your uncle is trying to show his DP that his family cares about her and their child. Go visit and all that but let him know you won't post photos on FB or anything like that until his kids have had a chance to meet the little one so no-one feels left out. Makes your point while showing you care.

Wishfulmakeupping · 27/12/2013 04:26

lunar totally agree

MinesAPintOfTea · 27/12/2013 04:42

If they DC aren't the ones doing the avoiding then you should do whatever feels best. But make sure his older DC aren't sulking/avoiding first: maybe he's in desperate need of some family support.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2013 05:41

I'm with Lunar.

WhenSarahAndStuckUpTheChimney · 27/12/2013 07:47

Try not to get involved in this in a way that can be seen as taking sides. It never works.

This baby is also your cousin.

Whatever you decide to do, do so because you think it is the right thing to do, but don't decide that on some sort of loyalty to his other children. Leave that out of it because his relationship with them and when he invites them/when they decide to go is not your concern. I mean that in the nicest possible way to you because I'm sure your heart is in the right place in this dilemma.

Families are complicated and issues like these are more quickly resolved when left to the people directly concerned. Now you have told him how you feel and he has replied, I think you have said as much as you need to say and can visit with a clear conscience if you want to. But I would advise not saying any more to him about it whether you decide to go or not and I do suggest that you base your decision now on what you want rather than what you think your cousins might want you to do.

BohemianGirl · 27/12/2013 07:55

Well. Maybe it's the mother who has suggested you go round? What is her relationship like with his children?

However, I think you are over thinking the situation. I just wouldnt be getting involved in the politics of it all. If you want to see the baby, see the baby, if you don't, then don't.

Your uncle, so your mother or fathers brother? have they seen the baby?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/12/2013 11:15

Skyadelic i can assure you that my childrens father is the only person who decides what level of of involvement he has with our dcs. His decision to hardly exist is entirely his so keep your shitty false woman blaming bollocks to yourself.

AmberLeaf · 27/12/2013 11:24

I think you are right to point this out to your uncle. well done.

has he invited his older children to meet the new baby?

The older two are certainly old enough to visit without approval from their mum so I don't see that as being an issue.

If he hasn't been much of a dad to them he is reaping what he has sown now isn't he?

All that said, it would be horrible if this new baby misses out on knowing its wider family. but your uncle needs to deal with the bigger issue here.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/12/2013 12:45

"they have mostly been ignored, or fobbed off each time they contact him."

Is this what you know or have been told?

greenfolder · 27/12/2013 13:13

7 years in yabu to think you can influence his behavior

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread