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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have we been played for fools?

70 replies

JDHoney · 26/12/2013 20:35

V long story short, DP's XW broke all communication for the past 11 years until DP's DD and DS were adults. They have been in contact now for one year.

DP's DS is more forthcoming. Dp's DD is much less so. Occasional emails from her (about 6/7 or so this year, her choice not to progress to phone calls/meets). Aside from responding to DP's emails this year, DP's DD sent a completely-out-of-the-blue father's day email wishing him a lovely day.

A few days before Christmas she sent an email hinting at money worries (her family is very monied, but we are assuming she is having to make her own way). We replied, part of which was asking for rough numbers re debts. She replied the same night (unprecedented) and vaguely hinted at a figure that would be of great benefit to her. We spent a few hours going through our finances and working out a way to get this to her. Replied by email to say (among other things) that it was on its way to her. Her signature confirmed she received this the day before cmas eve.

Since then we've heard nothing from her. fb intimates she may have been at a family gathering we had been told she couldn't attend. Have we been played for fools do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
JDHoney · 26/12/2013 20:36

Sorry, AIBU to think we have been played for fools, it should say.

OP posts:
PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 20:38

Maybe she didn't get the email yet? Can't you just send her a message and ask her if she received the money??

(I like to see the best in people, but only you really know if this is typical of her character)

BuffyxSummers · 26/12/2013 20:38

Did he pay maintenance all those years?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2013 20:39

No, you were foolish anyway.

What on earth possessed you to send another adult you barely have contact with a substantial sum of money?

Confused
Coconutty · 26/12/2013 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ashtrayheart · 26/12/2013 20:40

Why did the xw break contact? Did he fight to see them?
Aside from that yes probably, was it a very large amount?

Original poster
JDHoney · 26/12/2013 20:40

porkpie she got the email, and signed herself for the special delivery parcel containing the cheque. I like to see the best in people too, so am trotting out the most amazing lines!

buffy yes, thank you, he paid over and above, from day 1.

OP posts:
BuffyxSummers · 26/12/2013 20:42

I don't know why you are thanking me for asking a question. How strange.

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 20:42

Oh. If she got it then no excuse not to send thanks. Sadly I think she has showed what her interest in contacting her Dad was. :(

Original poster
JDHoney · 26/12/2013 20:45

sorry, more posts since I sent that last one.

Laurie because she is DP's DD. She said she was in debt. DP has been in debt and knows what it feels like. We would do anything in our power to make sure his DS and DD don't have to go through that.

coconutty we've heard nothing since her last email saying the amt she was in debt by. I sent the parcel (extra xmas pressie because she's short of money, plus cheque) by special delivery so could see who had signed.

ashtray 1) I don't know, she wouldn't talk to us - changed phone nos, wouldn't answer correspondence. 2) He did, as much as money would allow. We couldn't afford to go through the courts. It was £450, which is a large sum to us.

Thanks for your responses x

OP posts:
Coconutty · 26/12/2013 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudiansSlipper · 26/12/2013 20:46

well if their relationship has only been about money what really do you expect, he paid maintenance (more that he should have) but not played a role in his dd's life

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 26/12/2013 20:47

Yes. You've been played as fools.

Don't give her any more money. Ever.

Coconutty · 26/12/2013 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2013 20:47

What exactly are you teaching her by paying off her debt for her though? She'll just run up more debt then come and play nice until you give her more money.

Original poster
JDHoney · 26/12/2013 20:48

Last comment to coconutty I didn't mean I sent them SD in order to see who had signed, I just meat they had been sent SD, so later on when I checked I saw who had signed.

OP posts:
MyNameIsKenAdams · 26/12/2013 20:48

Only give what you are prepared to spare. Physically and emotionally.

Did your DP hope that giving the money would bring them closer?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2013 20:48

Are you saying there was an excellent reason for the debt then?

Because debt is normal amongst the young - student loans etc.

You've still given someone you don't really know all your money Confused

But if you can afford it that's fine obviously.

JoyceDivision · 26/12/2013 20:48

Buffy, think op was just using good manners that you had repliedto her post when thanking you.Think its a bit Hmm to pull her up as strange for it.

Upcycled · 26/12/2013 20:49

Yes, I am sorry. It is about money not building a relationship in my opinion. but maybe later when she is much more mature, a lovely relationship might blossom.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2013 20:49

£450 is cheap to find out you don't matter.

Sad
scaevola · 26/12/2013 20:50

Yes, she might be trying it on.

But did she receive regular maintenance? If not, she might not know what sort of payer he is, and might be waiting until the cheque clears.

BuffyxSummers · 26/12/2013 20:50

joyce, well, I gathered it was slightly more sarcastic than your interpretation. I don't see her thanking anyone else. I have assumed now it was a snotty way of saying yes.

GlaikitInAPearTree · 26/12/2013 20:51

Can you stop the cheque?

TaraLott · 26/12/2013 20:51

I can see why your DP wanted to help her, I would feel the same if I heard my Child needed help.
How old are his Adult children now?

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