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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have we been played for fools?

70 replies

JDHoney · 26/12/2013 20:35

V long story short, DP's XW broke all communication for the past 11 years until DP's DD and DS were adults. They have been in contact now for one year.

DP's DS is more forthcoming. Dp's DD is much less so. Occasional emails from her (about 6/7 or so this year, her choice not to progress to phone calls/meets). Aside from responding to DP's emails this year, DP's DD sent a completely-out-of-the-blue father's day email wishing him a lovely day.

A few days before Christmas she sent an email hinting at money worries (her family is very monied, but we are assuming she is having to make her own way). We replied, part of which was asking for rough numbers re debts. She replied the same night (unprecedented) and vaguely hinted at a figure that would be of great benefit to her. We spent a few hours going through our finances and working out a way to get this to her. Replied by email to say (among other things) that it was on its way to her. Her signature confirmed she received this the day before cmas eve.

Since then we've heard nothing from her. fb intimates she may have been at a family gathering we had been told she couldn't attend. Have we been played for fools do you think?

OP posts:

CotedePablo · 26/12/2013 20:53

Good grief Buffy, you do take things seriously. I just saw it as the way someone would reply if you asked how they were - eg 'fine, thank you'.

BuffyxSummers · 26/12/2013 20:54

Yaaaaaaawn. I don't take things seriously. I'm commenting on a weird sarcastic response when I was trying to be helpful. But fuck it.

Original poster

JDHoney · 26/12/2013 20:55

freudian He was a RP until DP's DD was 11 so he had played a very large part in her life until then. Sorry, that was probably relevant and should have been included in my OP.

coconutty she suggested in her first email that money was needed that could be repaid. DP said it would not need to be repaid, made it clear that it was a gift.

god thank you. My gut was giving me that nagging feeling.

midnite DP doesn't feel it's his place to teach her anything. He just knows what it feels like to be owing a lot of money you can't pay.

Sorry for any x-posts while I was writing this.

OP posts:

Coconutty · 26/12/2013 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrapBag · 26/12/2013 20:58

Ffs, why the picking up on the do if he fought in court etc. You know nothing of the situation and from the op I'd say there was an ex that made contact difficult, wouldn't be the first time.

The question was if they have been taken for a ride (yes), not please can you pick apart the past that has no relevance!

Op, I'd look into stopping the cheque. This woman is after one thing only and it isn't a father daughter relationship.

CheeseStrawWars · 26/12/2013 21:02

Was the reason she couldn't attend the family gathering money-related, travel expenses or whatever? (Trying to put best possible spin on it, she might just be a thoughtless teenager in that she's not said thank you yet.)

WhoNickedMyName · 26/12/2013 21:12

Only time will tell if you've been played for fools. Personally I think you probably have. You've sent someone you barely have any contact with £450.

Your DP sent it as a gift, not wanting it to be paid back. So best to now put the money out of your mind.

NonnoMum · 26/12/2013 21:16

It's not "we" been played for fools, it's your DP. And, no, he hasn't been played for a fool, he's just been a dad lending a hand. None of your business really...

Just let if go and enjoy the rest of the holidays. Many other DParents spill out far more over the festive period. How lucky your DP is generous and loving...

Original poster

JDHoney · 26/12/2013 21:17

mynameis No, DP has no such ideas. He knows relationships grow over time, and that 11 years passed between him contacting her last and now. He is fully prepared to wait whatever time is required. Totally appreciate your 'give what you can give' sentiments though. We can afford this request, though it had pushed us to our limits, financially.

laurie she is on a religious training year, but has had to pay her way bed&board-wise and hasn't been able to get a steady job to cover the costs. I should say at this point that religion is a massive thing in DP's DD's life. (yes agree it's a very small price to pay, though still hopeful!)

upcycled thank you, hopefully sooner rather than later!

scaevola yes, every month.

glaikit we could, I suppose, but wouldn't dream of it. She still needs the funds and DP needs to know he has helped her in this.

taralott DP's DD is 22 and DS is just turned 21. He really does feel like he needs to do anything that is in his power/

buffy to be honest I thought your own response was a bit sarcastic, though I admit I did not include in my OP how long he had been paying maintenance for.

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 26/12/2013 21:18

it does seem early to jump to that conclusion

it could be a way for your dh to make more contact, i sent you the money because i was and am concerned for you i would like to feel i can always be there for you and be part of your life

she is not some long lost relative she is his daughter and how she will view him giving her money will not be the same way as you do she may feel she deserves it

CotedePablo · 26/12/2013 21:21

Thinking about it, and reading some of the other points put across, I would tend to chalk it up to experience, and just let things go. I don't necessarily think that either you or your DP have been played for fools - I think your stepdaughter has just taken what was offered. Perhaps she mentioned her difficulties hoping she'd be helped, and it's never occurred to her to thank her father.

I would, though, think twice if she ever looked for help again, certainly if it's in the relatively near future.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 26/12/2013 21:21

I.dont.know why you would cancel the cheque

You decided to give the money, she took it. Why cancel? So she hasnt jumped at a response (yet of at all) - based on her previous correspondance etc, why would you expect anything else?

Ragusa · 26/12/2013 21:26

Is she a very devout Christian? How likely is it she would not have been on the internet over Christmas? That could explain lack of email.

MrsSteptoe · 26/12/2013 21:28

Mmm... I think the expression "played for a fool" is a bit punishing, to be honest, and you should be kinder to yourself. You are kind and generous people, and he still loves his DD, despite the estrangement etc. She may or may not be (a) cold-bloodedly mercenary (b) thoughtless and bad mannered (c) vengeful (for some reason) (d-z) any number of other possibilities!
I don't want to sound too Pollyanna Airy Fairy, but could you just reconcile yourself to the idea that even if you'd known that she would take the money and run, your DH might have accepted that and wanted to let her have the money unconditionally - because he's her DP? What you did wasn't necessarily foolish, and emotionally it seems terribly reductive to bring everything down to the level of "you're smart" or "you're dumb".

I think you sound lovely.

Minnieisthechristmasmouse · 26/12/2013 21:28

Did he give it in hope ? If so then not bu. Did he give it knowing he might lose...? If so not bu.

Thing is other people are other people. Can't guess their motives. If he gave thinking it might get him something in return then bu. Or more sadly, normal.

Give it time. But don't give more. Emotional or physical. You need more info really don't you?

Hope it works out babes. For both of you.

Happy new year
X

Minnieisthechristmasmouse · 26/12/2013 21:30

Also. Just FYI. I cashed a cheque on 18th. No idea why but damn bank ain't cleared it yet. Could be snafu banky stylie.... Wait.....

greenfolder · 26/12/2013 21:32

I don't think you've been played. That suggests intent and surely far too soon to think that. It was sent as a gift with no strings attached. It was a nice gesture. Read no more into it than that.

I sympathise-i have a mate who went through something similar- ex made it impossible for him to see his 2 children. When they got to 18 he wrote and said he had tried to have a relationship would always love them and would leave it to them to contact him if they ever wanted or needed to. So hard-i think it was the right thing for your dp to do.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 26/12/2013 21:35

Agree last poster why cancel cheque?
That would damage any potential relationship in the future
She asked, you gave, been gracious, she can not say you have ignored her financial difficulties.
I would if this occurs again make a more considered decision, guilt is an expensive emotion.

Beastofburden · 26/12/2013 21:36

Well, who knows. But if she is sincerely religious then it would be disappointing to find that she takes such a cynical, almost fraudulent view of life. I know there are good and bad people in both religious and atheist camps (I hope I am one of the good atheists) but if she is actively training, she is likely to be coming against messages of charity, unselfishness, etc.

I would say that a week or so is not long for a busy, slightly thoughtless young person. Bad manners, but not necessarily cynical exploitation.

So I guess I would not make a big thing out of the money itself, but write in a week or so, you hope it arrived safely, and it would be lovely to meet up for lunch in February. And if it helps you to rebuild a better relationship, then cheap at the price,

WooWooOwl · 26/12/2013 21:40

There is are reasons why this father and daughter didn't have any contact for 11 years and now only communicate by email.

A few hundered pounds seems barely relevant to the whole story.

Maybe the dd has taken her dad for a mug, but then it wasn't a living and respectful relationship they had in the first place, so not really surprising.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 26/12/2013 21:41

Awwwwww mrs steptoe how lovely you sound.
Finally op to echo mrs steptoe. Even if your partner knew she was being poetic about needing money he would have given it anyway, she is his child. That said if she is a Christian, I cannot see this being anything but honest need.

LondonNicki · 26/12/2013 21:41

Why did you just send her money?

If you wanted to help did you not think to see evidence of the debts and pay creditors direct?

I am really struggling to understand the way you approached this....

peggyundercrackers · 26/12/2013 21:43

I don't think I would be providing any more money to her because money is not a good foundation for a relationship to be built on. not sure if you've been played for the fools this time but as you gave it freely without condition you shouldn't worry about it.

greenfolder · 26/12/2013 21:50

I don't think you've been played. That suggests intent and surely far too soon to think that. It was sent as a gift with no strings attached. It was a nice gesture. Read no more into it than that.

Kitttty · 26/12/2013 21:50

Maybe she has sent a really nice hand written thank you card in the post? ....which has yet to arrive. or maybe not. Was a thank-you a condiion of the gift?

She sounds like someone who is investing in her future - training to do something worth while. £450 debt doesn't sound too much for a 22 year old - and quite sensible to nip it in the bud?

Has you DP supported her financially in any way since she was 18?

Its your DP daughter? Do you have children?

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