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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to interfere?

22 replies

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 20:20

I don't usually interfere with the arrangements made between DH, his ex, and DSS.

DSS stays with us on a regular basis for a few days at a time. He chose the arrangements himself, they've been in place a few years, and everyone has been happy with them.

DSS is 16. I accept, he's growing up, and things change. We have just had a baby. DSS has not been to stay since, simply because a visit was not due till NYD. He has been round twice for an hour, and seems quite taken with baby...

DSS has a long distance GF. Ex-w has invited her to stay with her the time DSS is due to be with us. This is the second time she has done this. It will mean DSS visit is halved. DH Is devastated. We were looking forward to bonding as a little family. DH has asked if gf can stay with us, but DSS says baby will make it too difficult. He has told him it won't but DSS is set on his plan.

I don't know what to do. It hurts to see DH like this. He wants DSS to start developing a relationship with his little half sister...

I am close to DSS, and promised to email him photos we took of him with baby. WIBU to mention the situation? And tell him how upset his dad is? I really don't know whether this will make it better or worse... But at 16 surely he's old enough to be told the effect of his actions?

Long- sorry, didn't want to dripfeed.

OP posts:

Rachelx92 · 26/12/2013 20:40

Can't your DSS and his gf just reschedule their days so it doesn't clash?

Original poster

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 20:44

DSS doesn't want to rearrange dates as that is when his mum has said he can have her to stay. While she's still off work.

OP posts:

Shamoy · 26/12/2013 20:44

Invite dss to come a few days earlier or to add an extra visit the week after to make up for missing half of this planned visit ?

cafebistro · 26/12/2013 20:47

Is there any other reason that DSS wouldn't want his GF staying with you?

Original poster

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 20:50

I could easily invite him for longer- but I don't know if I should. I never usually get involved in the actual arrangements. I could quite easily write something like-

'attached are photos of your baby sis that you wanted . Not quite sure what is happening about next week, but your dad seems rather upset... Could you maybe come to us a bit earlier? We want you to have plenty time to get to know DD'

OP posts:

Original poster

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 20:51

Cafe, maybe. DH us partly upset because he thinks DSS is being snobby about our house. We are doing it up slowly, whereas his mums is bigger and a bit like a show home... Maybe we just don't c

OP posts:

Original poster

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 20:51

compare (stupid phone)

OP posts:

loveulotslikejellytots · 26/12/2013 20:53

I haven't got kids or step kids, but I'd email him what you wrote, but leave out the part about his dad being upset. My family do this to me, kind of pull at the heart strings, which makes me feel bad when actually I'd rather choose when and for how long I see them.

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2013 20:54

You need to think back to when you were 16. Would you prefer to spend time with a GF/BF rather than with a new baby? I doubt there's any real malice behind it, just a teenager being their usual self absorbed self. You are keen to play happy families, but an older teenager from a previous marriage can certainly love his new sister without needing to spend 24/7 with her on his holidays.

cafebistro · 26/12/2013 20:59

I would just keep the invitation open. Let him come and stay as arranged with or without his GF as they decide. He will still see his sibling. It is a difficult age and will surely get easier as he gets older.

Original poster

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 21:00

Loveyoulots-
I suppose that's a fair point maybe it comes across as a bit PA.

Midnite-
Yup I see your point, but from our perspective the visit by gf doesn't have to be done at ex-w's during the 3 days he should be here! It could be done here, or it could be different days. I understand your point, but DH values his time with DSS- he feels like he is losing his son.

OP posts:

Original poster

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 21:01

I guess maybe it's as I wondered then. He is just growing up and not really bothered about seeing DH/DD.

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2013 21:02

I'm not suggesting at all that your husband's feelings aren't valid, and his mother certainly should have not arranged the visit for that time. It sounds like she is being pretty passive aggressive about your new baby and is the one causing the problems. Don't let her actions spoil your relationship with your DSS.

Original poster

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 21:05

You're probably right about DSS mum.. I don't know how she feels about the baby, but I doubt she would do anything to encourage DSS. I guess patience is the key... As DD gets older he'll probably be more interested

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2013 21:12

He's a 16 year old. I can't imagine many 16 year old boys would rather spend time with a new baby than their girlfriend. My own friend went through similar with her boys (13 and 15 when their new (half) sister was born). They weren't particularly interested when she was born, but now that she's three and much more interactive, they absolutely dote on her and are fabulous with her.

Good luck with it all, it can be a minefield. You're not getting the length of visit you want, but making him choose between what he wants to do and what he should do is not going to help, and since he doesn't have to visit, it could end up backfiring if you make a fuss. Just try and hold on for the next few years and things will settle themselves out.

Original poster

PorkPieandPickle · 26/12/2013 21:14

Thank you for the advice. It's hard to see DH so upset, but I can see that I could potentially make things worse. I'm glad I asked before jumping in.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 27/12/2013 07:54

I would send the photos. I would say I hope he has a great time with his gf. I would say that you and his dad love him too and love to spend time with him. In a jokey way, I would say he should make sure that he doesn't neglect you because you love to see him as will his baby sister.

Just to let him know all is absolutely fine but that he is loved, missed and wanted.

complexnumber · 27/12/2013 08:01

WIBU to mention the situation? And tell him how upset his dad is? I really don't know whether this will make it better or worse...

Surely this would be a form of emotional blackmail, it can only make things worse.

BohemianGirl · 27/12/2013 08:22

He's 16. That says it all really. He's starting to spread his wings, it isn't a slight on you, or DH or the new baby.

Although, whilst wildly gender stereo-typing, I cant think of many 16yo boys who would go ga-ga over a baby.

HoHoHopelessAtNamingBabies · 27/12/2013 08:55

I'd gently remind DH what 16 year old boys are like and work on cheering him up as opposed to contacting DSS. If DSS feels the baby is being forced upon him it won't help them bond anyway.

Casmama · 27/12/2013 09:03

I would email the pictures and say you know you are more than welcome to come to us early if you want to.

Tbh newborns are pretty dull to a 16 year old boy- he may be happy with an hour here or there to get to know her. Your dh has to accept that he is growing up and at the age where he probably feels the need to assert his independance- the best thing he can do is give ds's space to do that.

glammanana · 27/12/2013 11:59

I think you and your OH deserve a pat on the back for your DSS getting to 16 and wanting to visit so often and to having some interest in his little sister many boys would not be interested at all and would like to be away with their pals etc,so well done you,when this little girl is a wee bit bigger she will be well loved by her brother I'm sure it's just a fact that girlfriends hold a bit more interest at present.

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