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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an adult should assume there is no present for them?

67 replies

biscuitjarpatrol · 25/12/2013 23:36

BIL (sister's partner) we don't see often, don't know him well but like him. We saw them last week and exchanged presents, but just gave him a pack of 6 of his favourite bottled real ale, unwrapped, and said 'Hope you don't mind we didn't wrap it, but it was too heavy and bulky, besides you're too old for surprises ha ha ha' etc.

Today, sister phoned and asked why there was nothing for BIL. Reminded her about the beer, she repeated this to him and then I could hear him saying of course, he could remember now.

AIBU to think that they should have just thought that there was nothing for him when they found nothing wrapped up for him in the bag I gave them?

I don't mind at all that they forgot about the beer, it was a small offering and poorly presented, but I do mind that they chased me up about a present for a man. We both have children so the bulk of presents exchanged are for them, adult presents tend to be a token eg they gave DH a novelty trivia game this year.

So am I? Been chuntering about this since this morning Grin

OP posts:
VampyreofTimeandMemory · 25/12/2013 23:39

agreed, christmas really should stop being about bloody presents once out of childhood.

Gormless · 25/12/2013 23:39

Not unreasonable at all on your part. Bit weird of your sister to chase up a present for her partner like she's the Santa police or something.

Caitlin17 · 25/12/2013 23:41

YANBU. The expectations on here by some people that it is obligatory to give presents to every single adult with whom you are even distantly connected by marriage is insane.
The beer was thoughtful and more than what was needed.

MrsPennyapple · 25/12/2013 23:42

It depends, if you've only known him two weeks, I'd say he shouldn't expect anything.

But, assuming you've known him a fair while, you either buy for the adults or you don't. If there was a gift for your sister, it's reasonable to assume there would be one for him too, even if it was something small, a gesture.

That said, if I was your sister, I wouldn't chase up, I'd assume it was an oversight and not mention it. (Obviously in this instance the oversight is theirs.)

Original poster
biscuitjarpatrol · 25/12/2013 23:42

Dh and I have been taking through various scenarios, like what we'd do if we noticed nothing was sent from them to him, and it's always been "Nothing!"

OP posts:
Kneedeepinshittynappies · 25/12/2013 23:43

Arf at Santa police! Bloody hell, my BIL/SIL appear to have forgotten my kids but I'm not bloody phoning them to scare up some presents! dh told me I wasn't allowed

teacherandguideleader · 25/12/2013 23:44

I don't agree with the 'Christmas presents are just for kids' sentiment, but I do think it is rude to chase up a present.

Farrowandbawlbauls · 25/12/2013 23:45

OK, excuse the spelling, I'm drunk but don't want to go to bed yet.

From what I can see..BIL just forgot about his present being given to him early. He's forgot and then mentioned or your sister asked if you've sent him anything...he's said no, forgetting about the ale ( sounds nice by the way).

It does seem a bit off that anything was mentioned about it in the first place, and I can see why you are miffed about it ( I would be too) BUT...it does seem to be that he's just drunk it all and then forgot that it was a present from you....

Neither of you are being unreasonable...just forgetful on his side.

(CHRIST it's hard typing when you're drunk)

I hope that makes sense.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 25/12/2013 23:45

we received some amazing and unexpected gifts and I am thrilled but I consider it a bonus, I certainly don't hand 'lists' out.

Original poster
biscuitjarpatrol · 25/12/2013 23:46

It's the chasing up and obviously not caring that they might really embarrass me that has irked me. If I'd genuinely forgotten to buy him his token gift this year, it really wouldn't have ruined his Christmas, so why mention it?

OP posts:
Farrowandbawlbauls · 25/12/2013 23:51

The chasing up is rude. I agree with that whole heartedly. Maybe she just wants him to feel like part of the family - but even that's too soon to be fair...she;s not known him long has she, or you all haven't.....

Anyone want more Wine?

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/12/2013 23:58

I think it's a bit weird you didn't get him a gift, actually.

But different people, different families have their own ways I suppose.

Original poster
biscuitjarpatrol · 26/12/2013 00:01

We did give him a present, just didn't wrap it because it was a heavy tray of beer. We had a conversation about it when we gave it to him. He was very happy with it and thanked us.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 26/12/2013 00:04

I see.

Then he/your sister is being a tit.

Don't engage in any further conversations about this with them.

blueemerald · 26/12/2013 00:04

Did he get you and yours gifts? Or just your sister? If just your sister then he is a grabby so and so but if he got you presents or contributed fairly to the presents from your sister (doesn't sound like he did from your OP) then he may have expected something in return.

ToffeeWhirl · 26/12/2013 00:06

It was very rude of her to ask you about it. And rude of him to forget that you'd given it to him. (Very nice present, by the way - lucky him).

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2013 00:06

You couldn't have stuck a bow on it or something?

ToffeeWhirl · 26/12/2013 00:07

I would be delighted if someone gave me several bottles of wine for Christmas - bow or no bow Hmm.

littlepeas · 26/12/2013 00:09

I've had amazing, thoughtful presents this year - big and small. I do think the exchange of gifts between adults is lovely, but we find ourselves in the situation where my family do it and dh's don't, so for years on end I would spend ages choosing lovely gifts for dh's lot, just to be given a bottle of calcium tablets because mil had found out she had the onset of osteoporosis (these were given to dh - how ridiculous). Needless to say we only but for the children on their side now. I think your gift to your bil was very lovely and thoughtful and their phone call was a bit odd to say the least!

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 26/12/2013 00:10

surely you don't give presents on the condition that you get them in return? Starting to hate the word 'presents'. 'Gift' is no better. Sigh.

Original poster
biscuitjarpatrol · 26/12/2013 00:13

There was a foil bow perched on it Confused. Not sure why the lack of one would make any difference anyway, he's a man in his 40s, not Kirsty Allsopp.

OP posts:
LeaveIt · 26/12/2013 00:18

"Not Kirsty Allsopp" - love it!

Shnickyshnackers · 26/12/2013 00:19

But the trouble is that in a few days people will be on here saying so-and-so hasn't said thank you for the gift we gave them. So if they had not queried it they wouldn't have been able to say thank you for it.

Original poster
biscuitjarpatrol · 26/12/2013 00:26

He had thanked me the other day but had forgotten, and there was no further thanks when they got reminded about the beer this morning. They weren't worrying about my feelings.

OP posts:
Bloodyteenagers · 26/12/2013 00:31

Wonders if somewhere else there is a thread from the partner of a manchild who had a massive tantrum because he didn't get a present. After a couple of hours of him sulking, and lots of posts from people say ooh ungrateful, phone yadda yadda, so she does and updates oops he was given something a few weeks back.. Now posters are saying ltb Grin

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