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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh says he's very sorry but he doesn't want his present

29 replies

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 25/12/2013 17:01

He's been wittering on about a tablet computer for ages so I bought him one. Then I came on here and worried about it. Cost, whether he'd buy himself one, etc.

He was thrilled I'd given him such a lovely present but he's now changed his mind and says it is a fantastic gift but I can't possibly afford it so he would rather I sent it back.

He's being as nice about it as possible. I actually think he just doesn't like it and has changed his mind about having a tablet.

Feel a bit deflated now. Was so smug at my excellent present. AIBU to mind?

OP posts:
SilverApples · 25/12/2013 17:03

Can you afford it?
Have you worried and wittered IRL about finances?
I think he's feeling guilty, why else would he not want a tablet?

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 25/12/2013 17:05

You can send it to me. Xmas Grin

If he doesn't want it, send it back. Buy something for yourself.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 25/12/2013 17:06

He's being very ungracious, I'd be miffed too.

I had a tablet today, it's ace!

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 25/12/2013 17:06

Well he does whinge about the cost of everything nowadays, but he always has been a bit like that. I can afford it but we also bought another car this year and he moaned about spending money on that. I just think he's changed his mind. He was looking at a phone the other day and said it was £300. He can't be that hard up if he can spend that about of money.

I would keep it for myself but I really don't need it.

OP posts:
MinkBernardLundy · 25/12/2013 17:07

Well, it may be that he feels guilty for having gone on about it.

Or was your gift much.more extravagant than his?

Or can you genuinely not afford it? (he won't want you to see you struggle just so he can sit on Facebook)

or you could be right maybe he wanted a different one.

I requested that my now bf take back an mp3 player because he had bought me other things and I knew I would not use it. it was not that i did not thatappreciate the thought. just did not think.it was fair to keep.it when i knew I wouldn't use it.

MinkBernardLundy · 25/12/2013 17:07

Pissed to soon...and I knew he could use the money.

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 25/12/2013 17:09

It wasn't that generous a gift compared to the few grand he gave me so I could afford to buy the car I wanted. I wanted to do something nice for him and it's just a shame that it's backfired.

Oh well. First world problem and all that.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 25/12/2013 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 25/12/2013 17:13

Hang on, so he really just wanted you to prove to him that you care enough about h to get him a tablet?

And then he turns around to say you can't afford it , giving you the hassle of returning it?

Wow I would not be impressed...

Meerka · 25/12/2013 17:13

I think that it's reasonable to be deflated and a bit disappointed. But I also think that it's reasonable of him to say if he's not that happy with it. it's a shame for just now, but in the long run you (and he together?) can get something he really wants, and isn't that better?

also, if he can say honestly (but politely) if it isnt really what he wants then you know that it's also genuine when you get something he really does want. Nice to know for it's own sake, and it cuts out all the nicely-meant game playing about 'yes i love it' "oh ... are you sure?" 'Yes of course!' secretly not happy>

ItisEyeLeScrooge · 25/12/2013 17:21

For the last few years I've been giving dh silly, relatively cheap gifts, w bile he spends vastly more on gifts for me. The trouble was, when I took note of things he mentioned throughout the year and then got them for his birthday or Christmas, he would have forgotten by the time the day came around, and no longer wanted them. Or they would turn out to be the wrong thing. Or a far too expensive version. So we ended up returning them. No hard feelings, really, just a bit disappointed. So I no longer try to get him what I think he wants, but instead something that will make him laugh. Eg, if I ask what he wants for Christmas he usually says (tongue in cheek) "cheese", or, "a lump of coal". So last year I gave him a large piece of Stinking Bishop, all beautifully wrapped up. This year I gave him edible coal inside Mr Men socks.

If present-giving is stressful or upsetting, then the way it is done needs to be changed in order for both giver and receiver to enjoy themselves.

SirRaymondClench · 25/12/2013 17:23

Are your finances completely separate Op?

FredFredGeorge · 25/12/2013 17:45

If he doesn't want it, return it, he cares enough about both of your finances to not think it at all sane to spend it. Even if your finances aren't fully combined, he still cares enough about both your money not to waste it, if he's giving you cash for a car he's clearly not just a miser.

Return it, don't keep it (he may actually want one, just not enough to spend X hundreds of money on it)

thank him for his honesty!

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 25/12/2013 18:05

No, Quint he didn't know I'd bought it.

Meerka that is spot on, thank you.

We have separate and joint finances and if we want something we either pay for it ourselves or lend a bit to each other. We're not Scroogey about money. Just wondered if IWBU in being upset about it. I'm not entirely but I can see that he's just being honest. Xmas Smile

Will have to ring the shop on Friday and hope they'll take it back!

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 25/12/2013 18:18

I don't think YWBU to be upset about it.
It's a bit like a rejection to say he doesn't want it.

coppertop · 25/12/2013 18:26

Are you sure he hasn't secretly brought one for himself already and is now feeling guilty?

I only ask because you said that this was something you'd already thought that he might do.

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 25/12/2013 18:34

No, he'd have been parading round with it pleased as punch with himself if he'd managed to come to a decision about it already!

I don't think IWBU bit I can understand where he's coming from and like Meerka said I'm glad he was honest about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 26/12/2013 01:11

So tempted to bloody keep it. Have been looking forward to getting my phone back from his constant game playing and he was bloody playing on it again this evening! Harrumph.

OP posts:
JoanRanger · 26/12/2013 07:41

Why not tell him it's a combined birthday/multiple Christmasses present?

Joysmum · 26/12/2013 07:49

Could it be that he's worried about gift disparity? Did he get you something equally extravagant?

If not, it may be that he feels bad that you were OTT compared to him and gifts should make people feel bad.

We have to be careful with my family because they struggle for money. All we want to do is spoil them rotton and what is a big gift for them isn't really that much to us. Therefore we rein in with them because otherwise they feel uncomfortable, and as much as I want to spoil them, that's only if it makes them happy.

Gift giving is about making people feel happy, if your gift doesn't then the other person could keep quiet and risk a lifetime of inappropriate gifts, or could try to gently explain.

As you've said, he's tried to be a nice as possible in his explanations and I think those that think he's rude about it are thinking more about themselves than about the recipient of their gifts and that really is rude.

Lweji · 26/12/2013 07:51

What type of tablet is it?

If not top of the range, he may have been disappointed with its actual capabilities.

On the other hand, if he's giving you cash for a car, and it may well have pinched his finances to do that, he must be wondering how much money you have and if you can really afford it. If you need money from him for a car, you can't afford expensive tablets. Does that make sense?

Twinkletron · 26/12/2013 07:53

You say that you got him a tablet? But what make is it?? My husband wouldn't accept anything less than an iPad and sees anything else as in-superior. (I know many people that feel the same way on that one including me!) so if it wasn't an iPad maybe he is thinking that he would rather spend a little more and get one

EirikurNoromaour · 26/12/2013 08:01

I reckon he wanted an iPad and was planning to get one at some point. Your cheaper one has made that impossible. What make is it?

JennyOnAPlate · 26/12/2013 08:17

Yes I'm suspecting he wanted a different one! I don't understand the "nothing less than an iPad will do" mentality because they all do the bloody same thing and I love my android tab, but I bet that's it.

Original poster
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 26/12/2013 12:57

Well actually it's an iPad mini. I thought it would be less of an extravagance than a full size one and also it would be easier to carry or pack in his fishing bag.

I think he prefers the android makes. I think he thinks they are better tablets for less money.

We almost went halves (almost) on the car and it cost significantly more than an iPad so it's not that.

That's just how he is. No frills. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it. He's been very nice about it but as far as he can see the practical solution is to return it.

He's been as sweet as sweet all over Christmas. He obviously feels a bit bad about it!

OP posts: