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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Taking toddlers to church

89 replies

naughtylist · 24/12/2013 23:38

This evening, I thought it would be lovely to take the children to church for a christmas carol service.

We were welcomed beautifully but after 15 minutes dd age 3 started yelling 'time to go home home now' loudly. I'm there whispering 'shhhhhhhhhh', 'you are being naughty', and finally 'I am telling Santa'. Vicar announces to everyone (obv because of us) 'those of you here with young children, don't bother trying to keep them quiet or still as it's impossible'. I think this lovely of them but am accutely aware DD really is probably ruining it for everyone else.

Then, just as I was thinking of ushering DD out, a lovely lady came over with some toys to keep DD entertained. Kept her quiet for next 15 mins.

Then came the Christingle ceremony. Kids are presented with oranges stuffed with sweets and fruit. Oranges are then lit and we are to stand in a circle singing. All very lovely until they insist on lighting the candle on DD age 3's candle despite me saying it wasn't wise. Next few minutes should have been like a lovely christmas film with us holding candles singling 'silent night' but it wasn't. DD could not hold cristingle safely obvioulsy so I put my hand on it to help. DD started screaming 'no mummy, it my orange, stop helping me'. Glanced accross to DD age 5 who was lovingly singing holding candlelit orange extremely close to her hair. Hollered accross the room to warn her. Sorted her out and then dd age 3 became hysterical 'it my orange' and 'you naughty mummy' over and over again until the service finished.

At the end, the vicar said it was lovely to see all the new faces and she hoped we would come back. Do they really mean this?

OP posts:

PansOnFire · 25/12/2013 01:51

They were being sincere; my church actively encourage me to take my 1 year old despite my reasons for not being that he would make a noise, they don't mind at all and are so welcoming. The church is a wonderful place to take your children, your DD may have had a bit of an off night tonight but the way I see it is that children get used to complying with routines the more they do them. Obviously it's not christingle everyday week but your DD will get used to the routines expected and she'll be fine.

The christingle candles sound terrifying though!

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 25/12/2013 01:58

they meant it.
I too have been to church this evening and there were toddlers and young children making a racket.
The vicar was ace. she carried on regardless. the whole service directed at the children.

Now, if you went to a quiet contemplation service the ethos could be quite different.

Hope you have a fab Christmas

EBearhug · 25/12/2013 02:00

I was a bit surprised someone had a toddler with them at tonight's midnight service. I think the child would rather have been in bed, too.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 25/12/2013 08:44

Do keep going, they did mean it! Our local church is well known for being child friendly, they have an entire area of the church cordoned off with toys, play mats etc. the only rule is no noisy toys so anything electrical is a no no; the vicar doesn't mind shouting over kids but he says he's damned if he will compete with vtech and the like.
Christingle is always a bit fraught with the candle thing, I do wonder when they will start having the electrical led candles for toddlers because having 20 odd under 5s holding oranges with lighted candles in seems like a recipe for disaster to me

newtonupontheheath · 25/12/2013 08:51

Both my dc (3 and 1) tucked into their christingles before the singing had even finished. I was equally and It was just me and the two of them so I didn't stand much chance of controlling them! I had to hide them in my bag on the way out.

We do go to that church every week, and the rest of the congregation are always welcoming and helpful so I take them on their word when they say it's lovely to see us/come back soon etc

MrsAMerrick · 25/12/2013 09:18

This would be fine in our Church, at family services, crib service etc there are always lots of toddlers (and older) children rushing around, and no-one minds. Especially on Christmas Eve. We have a lot of young families at our Church, but I used to go to a Church that was more traditional. The minister there made a point of saying qute often that if small children, have the freedom ro explore the church, and don't get told off for doing perfectly ok things then they will grow up to value the Church as a welcoming, inclusive place.
Do go back, it sounds lovely . Happy Christmas.

ShinyBlackNose · 25/12/2013 09:23

I'm sure they mean it, they want people to go to church!

BearsInMotion · 25/12/2013 09:23

As you said "she" I do wonder if this was my DSis's church! As someone else said, there is messy church specifically for toddlers, but in DSis's case she would be more than happy to have toddlers at all services!

friday16 · 25/12/2013 09:53

they meant it.

They meant it.

They've realised that if they drive away (a) children and (b) people of an age to have children, both groups who tend to lack solid ties to churches and don't (in 2013, or more to the point 2033) feel a social obligation, then within twenty years the churches will consist solely of the over-eighties and handful of obsessive nutters fantasising about killing gays. The mainstream churches can only function if there's a wide base of regular attenders, and the hardcore nutters will drive them away.

Misspixietrix · 25/12/2013 10:58

There's an old bag in my DMs church. She's not long come out of hospital and wanted to visit her very soon. Despite being advised that we had my DCs and ny Niece here ,-aswell as the District Nurses going in and out like the clappers--. Then proceeded to moan about the noise of the children. they were in the bedroom playing board games . OP it sounds like a lovely church and yes they do mean it. I have a unpredictive 4yo who has pulled off some belters before. The Minister from DMs Church has aLways welcomed us back :)

friday16 · 25/12/2013 11:29

Then proceeded to moan about the noise of the children. they were in the bedroom playing board games

"So nice of you to visit, but we mustn't detain you."

grumpyoldbat · 25/12/2013 11:32

I reckon they meant it too.

At church last night they were showing pictures on the screen as part of the sermon. One was of a lamb in a manger. Dd2 yelled out "issa cat" .

NoComet · 25/12/2013 12:01

Yes they mean your welcome back. Our congregation are a bit elderly it's best to choose family services and the week with fun club.

DDs church have loads of children and toys at the back.

I'm afraid all churches are different and you have to play it by ear and accept sometimes all the DCs will turn up and sometimes non of them and it's a bit

NoComet · 25/12/2013 12:02

DFs church

brokenhearted55a · 25/12/2013 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rumbleinthrjungle · 25/12/2013 13:04

They meant it :) You must have needed a gin by the end!

Our lovely vicar spends a lot of time telling the children very clearly in words of one syllable how to hold candles while they're being lit on the Christmas eve children's carol service and the kids do love that part of it.

Last year I had a very young puppy who'd only been home a few days, so I planned to sit with her outside and listen through the door to the children's service while my nephews attended with the rest of the family. The vicar insisted the puppy came inside with me and was welcome and she spent it fast asleep on my lap but providing a lot of distraction for bored toddlers who kept hanging off their mothers' laps to look at her.

nickeldonkeyonadustyroad · 25/12/2013 14:07

yup, they mean it.
my bloody wayward toddler (2yo) is at every single service at our church, and she can be very boisterous!

you went to a service aimed specifically at families, so you were fine.

my dd was at 9 lessons and carols and managed to whinge, moan and cry through every choir item
.
noone cares!

and all good churches have toys and busy bags

nickeldonkeyonadustyroad · 25/12/2013 14:18

EBearhug
dd was at midnight mass last night.
maybe the toddler you saw was there because like us the parents had no choice?

DidoTheDodo · 25/12/2013 14:49

Goodness yes. A thousand time YES! Certainly at our church we have all sorts of child-focussed services and activites and a children's corner to be used whenever you like and the congregation are very VERy tolerant of the foibles of small people!

3bunnies · 25/12/2013 14:56

Midnight Mass is great for ensuring a lie-in! Ds (4) was disruptive this morning rolling around on the floor, trying to scratch our faces and demanding story after story. He is generally good at our church each week, but different church, Christmas hype and new people to annoy created a perfect storm. If you keep going then by this time next year they will be as well behaved as ds

Mandy21 · 25/12/2013 15:05

They do mean it. they realise without families and young people the church has a limited future!

DS (6) tripped and fell onto an old fashioned radiator at a christingle service. Thankfully it had just finished but he split his forehead open, masses of blood and a 999 call & trip to A&E! Vicarvwas lovely!

Oblomov · 25/12/2013 15:08

Don't worry.
I love christingle services. My favourite. All about kids.

EBearhug · 25/12/2013 15:29

maybe the toddler you saw was there because like us the parents had no choice? Well, yes, I assume so, but until we were at secondary school, we always went to the morning service, and then had a later lunch, so I guess that's my default.

nickeldonkeyonadustyroad · 25/12/2013 15:35

ah. my default has always been midnight mass as the default service. :)
(it's definitely easier to get the choir there!)

BackforGood · 25/12/2013 20:58

nickeldonkey - of course they had a choice. It's not compulsory to go to midnight mass you know. dh and I always used to go together, but when you have small dc, you make the decision to either not go for a few years or just one of you go. Well, I mean most families do. Then, as the dc get older you start going again. There is no compulsion to attend - go to a crib service in the afternoon / early evening of Christmas eve, or to the morning service on Christmas day if you feel you must be at Chruch, that's far more family friendly.
I would also object to a small child "whinging, moaning and crying through all the choir items" , as indeed would most people I know - I can't believe you think this is acceptable and not take them out. People go to that service to hear the music and share in the poetry of the readings and carols. If your child is having one of those moments, then any decent parent would have some consideration for others and take them out, not try to convince themselves no-one minds.
Some services are more child friendly than others.

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