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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents not telling me whether there children are coming to my son's party or not!

74 replies

junkfoodaddict · 23/12/2013 22:40

Sadly, my DS (nearly 2) was born at a very unreasonable time of the year (end of December - how dare he!) We have decided to hold a party at our local village hall this weekend (between Christmas and New Year). I was considering holding it after New Year, but thought, fuck it, my son can't help when he was born!!!
I sent out 30-odd invites knowing fine well that some families wouldn't be able to attend due to family festivities and all that. I am perfectly fine with this.
There are 6 more sleeps (I work in 'sleeps') until his big day - nothing fancy, just food, games, toys and a bouncy castle, the same as other families we know. I have only 14 children who are a definite, 4 definitely not, 4 maybes and about 14 with no bloody answer whatsoever!!!!
Why do people do this - not reply to an invite or am I being too keen for replies with it being Christmas as 6 more 'sleeps'. I have given an email address, home address and phone number so it isn't as if I am tricky to contact.
So ... AIBU for declaring on my child's FB event page that I will absolutely not cater for children whose parents have failed to contact me with an answer by the morning of Friday 27th December? That is 48 hours before my DS's big day. I am 'new' to all this party etiquette. A friend did say that you will always get parents who don't bother to inform of their intentions and will turn up or not turn up leaving you in a bit of a pickle.
Shall I be a bit renegade and begin the task of shaming parents into doing the polite, cost-less task of replying to someone's invite? I mean, who would NOT reply to a wedding invite and then 'show up' expecting to be welcomed with open arms??????

OP posts:
WeAreSix · 23/12/2013 22:43

I think that's a lot of work for a 2 year old tbh.

Original poster
junkfoodaddict · 23/12/2013 22:46

Whether you think that is a lot of work for a 2 year old is besides the point really.

My choice of birthday celebration for my child is not up for debate.

What I want to know is what other people do when you have parents who do not reply to a birthday invite.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 23/12/2013 22:48

I'm am normally dead against people not confirming but I think you have picked possibly the worst weekend possible and I can see why some people will be unable to confirm as they don't know what they will be doing or most likely in the middle of preparing for Christmas have completly forgotton about it

sooperdooper · 23/12/2013 22:49

You mentioned a Facebook event page, have you just sent invites on that or let people know in other ways? Sometimes people don't see fb event invites, depends on their settings, I've missed them before

And YABU to refer to things in 'sleeps' ;)

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/12/2013 22:50

How about reminding them nicely rather than rampaging?

TheFabulousIdiot · 23/12/2013 22:50

I jst had a party for my son, I just had to assume that the couple of people who dodn't reply were coming and cater accordingly. Why can't you do that?

Original poster
junkfoodaddict · 23/12/2013 22:51

It might be a lot of work for you wearesix but for me, it is not.

It required two phone calls to book hall and bouncy castle hire, a trip to a shop to buy invites, 15 minutes to write invites and 5 minutes to set up a FB page event (invite only) for friends that would cut down the cost of sending invites through the post, a morning shop - which I do anyways, just buying extra stuff - a DH making the cake and a friend preparing the toddler buffet. On the day: 4 friends to take DS's toys up to scatter about the floor, a grandad to blow up balloons and two grannies to make cups of tea for parents.

What is 'too much' about that?

OP posts:
Mia4 · 23/12/2013 22:52

If you know who they are I'd ask them over fb or text. If they don't respond, they aren't invited. Simple.

I think because it's a birthday then it's not seen as all that important, most people would respond to a wedding RSVP because of the large cost involved coupled with the liklihood that the people just rocking up would be judged by everyone else at the wedding- who are likely to be their friends/family. Although you often have to chase RSVPers for weddings too, as bridesmaid i had to help my friend chase- some people really did expect to just rock up I think.

Tommy · 23/12/2013 22:52

completely normal IME but still very annoying. You have to cater for them all.
I would send a text round just asking if they're coming

sparklyma · 23/12/2013 22:53

Big day? It's a 2nd birthday not a wedding. Seriously though you will come to learn some will never answer birthday party invites. Best get used to it!

KEAWYED · 23/12/2013 22:55

Its something you just have to get used to. DS1 is an August baby. Tricky time but people always turned up. With DS3 I gave up pandering to guests who wouldn't reply. "If their name wasn't down they weren't coming in" ok a slight lie, I always made up a few extra party bags just in case and if they were left give them to siblings. YANBU for being annoyed but fun will be had with the ones who are ther

Mia4 · 23/12/2013 22:55

I do agree with those that say it's the worst time of year though, I have three friends born between the 19th and 31st and only on their 30th did they get a very large turn out and confirmations quickly. The rest of their birthdays they were let down at the last minute a lot, especially as friends ended up cancelling due to bad weather, family dos running over or being brassic.

sooperdooper · 23/12/2013 22:55

I think you need to call or send a text and see if they've even seen the Facebook page, I'll bet some haven't, not everyone goes on there all the time and even if they do it's easy to miss, plus people are busy running up to Christmas, they might not have been on fb at all, I don't think you can rely on it as an only invite

Original poster
junkfoodaddict · 23/12/2013 22:55

TheFabulousidiot
I have thought about doing that, but why should I? If they can't be polite enough to reply, why should I go out of my way to cater for rudeness? If i 'can do that', why can't they reply?
It is a simple enough task, is it not?
I am just getting fed up of parents not thinking. We insist our children write 'thank you' letters in reply to receiving gifts etc, but 'they' who insist cannot be bothered or think to show an act of kindness or politeness themselves.
Sorry - sounds arsy but I am getting fed up with it. I know of others who are too but are too scared to be 'isolated and sidelined' by their child's parents to say anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
junkfoodaddict · 23/12/2013 23:00

Wow! A lot of replies! I can't keep up with them all - so fast. I wil try my best!!!!

I have sent out paper invites to those who are not on FB (and I do not have contact with them except through my child's nursery) and an FB page for those whose invite would get lost through the post being Christmas and to save on the stamps.

I have thought about sending a message through the FB page but I DON'T want to sound arsy but sound as though I am a woman who means business, if you know what I mean.

And yes, my child's 2nd birthday IS a BIG day to us. A child's birthday might not be as big as a wedding in some people's eye but please do not talk down my child's birthday to his mother! In my eyes it is a very special day considering the lengths I went to have him and the trauma we both suffered, which I do not want to go into details about.

I also understand that it is bad timing, hence why I need to know if Friday 27th is a 'good' day to have as a 'last day to reply'.

OP posts:
Cherry34 · 23/12/2013 23:02

Don't think its a good idea to put a general statement on your son fb event page. Can't you message those who haven't responded individually and ask them to confirm, under the pretence you would need to know if you need to cater for them. If you don't hear from them by 27th just presume they are not coming!! It is rude but not uncommon to get answer.

Did your invites have a RSVP date to respond by? I do this now! As I have been caught out in the past. Personally, I would never not reply to an invitation!

Sirzy · 23/12/2013 23:02

It might be a big day to you but sorry for most people at this time of year they won't give it a second thought.

For future it will probably make much more sense to do parties a few weeks before or after his birthday. We went to a 4th birthday 2 weeks back for a little boy whose birthday is tomorrow but his mum knew doing it early made more sense.

Original poster
junkfoodaddict · 23/12/2013 23:03

Apologies for the title. it should say 'their'!!!! I am blaming the time of night and the alcohol I have consumed!!! Blush

OP posts:
charitymum · 23/12/2013 23:04

Yes politeness matters. Of course.

But sometimes life takes over. Work, kids, stuff. We aren't all efficient robots who get everything right all the time. Some of the parents may be rude. I'm guessing lots just overwhelmed with Christmas and end of term.

Up to you really. I'd sent a friendly text or email and cater for couple of extras who think they've replied but actually forgot to. But then I like people and tend to think the best of them.

Oakmaiden · 23/12/2013 23:05

I think a lot of people dopn't really look at the Facebook stuff - or indeed look at it but promptly forget about it.

I always send out "reminders" to non repliees a few days before the party - nothing fancy, just a note of text to say "Just to remind you that it is xxx's birthday party on... - we would love to see you there!".

kungfupannda · 23/12/2013 23:05

A FB page invite isn't as direct as an actual invite. If you've just invited some people through facebook, then they'll probably ignore it/not notice it/think you're not fussed about them attending.

I think you need to calm down a bit, and send polite messages to those who haven't responded to direct invitations. Write off those who haven't responded to a facebook page invite, because that's a bit of a vague way of dealing with a party.

In relation to the "why should I?" question, the answer is because you want people there for your son's party. There's no point getting the massive arse about it - if you want it to be a big turn-out, then you need to do a bit of running around.

BrianTheMole · 23/12/2013 23:06

I would just chase up the stragglers with a quick txt, if you have their numbers, and confirm it with them. Some people will have genuinely forgotten, not got the invite etc. I normally reply, but I have so much on that sometimes it just slips my mind. No point in being nasty about it. Just ask. Job done.

Original poster
junkfoodaddict · 23/12/2013 23:09

Cherry34
That was a fatal error in my invites. Told you I was new to all this stuff!! Blush

I have said that the reply deadline is 27th on his FB page - afterall, they are all friends, and TBH it is the paper invites that have mainly not replied - only 2 out of the 10.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that 'life' takes over. But I am allowed to be a tad pissed off aren't I? Hmm

OP posts:
blahe · 23/12/2013 23:09

Have you got contact details for any of them - if so text and ask them. If not text the ones who have replied and ask if they have any contact details they can give you. If they don't feel comfortable giving out other peoples details ask them to pass the message on.

DontstepontheBaubles · 23/12/2013 23:09

I'm one of those parents who forgets to reply until chased Blush I generally get a text asking me to confirm if my DC can make it and I apologise profusely and say yes they'd love to come.

I'd drop them all a line after 25th and ask.