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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL gave DD her Xmas presents early and didn't send them home!!

70 replies

queeniefry · 23/12/2013 20:29

I'm not quite sure what to do/say. DD (3) was at Ex MIL this weekend. Without discussing it with me first, she's given DD her Xmas presents early... just because she wanted to see her open them (which I can sort of understand). But then DD came home without the presents, leaving them at MIL house!! AIBU to think this is totally not on?

OP posts:
MissWimpyDimple · 23/12/2013 20:30

YABU maybe she wanted your DD to have things to play with at hers! They aren't for you!

phantomnamechanger · 23/12/2013 20:31

do you know why? accident? or were they designed to be toys for at grandmas house? (which as long as this was explained to DD is fine IMO)

is DD upset or do you just want to see what she got?

BohemianGirl · 23/12/2013 20:31

Ex mil can do what she effing well likes with any present she has bought her grand child.

And MIL can have presents in her house for her grand child to play with.

Next??

whattoWHO · 23/12/2013 20:34

Will she be seeing DD over Christmas?
Does she keep anything else at her house?
Maybe she just wants to save you the hassle of sending toys with DD when she goes for a visit?
Can't see the problem.

Original poster
queeniefry · 23/12/2013 20:34

Oh.. so if DD has been asking for a particular toy "for Xmas" its ok for MIL to get it... give it to DD BEFORE Xmas ... and DD can only play with it when she visits?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 23/12/2013 20:34

How nice that your dd receives a gift from her grandmother, is able to play/share it with her and has got her own toys at her gm's house.

Cluffyflump · 23/12/2013 20:34

I hate it when I hear of people doing this!
The presents belong to the child and should go home with them.
Not a lot you can do about it.
Your exmil is an arse Xmas Angry for you.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 23/12/2013 20:36

My DM only buys things for my 6 yo niece for keeping at her house things I buy also stay at her house. My brother and his wife like this as they don't have to keep so much in their house.

EirikurNoromaour · 23/12/2013 20:38

YANBU! She should have sent them back with her.

ElbowPrincess · 23/12/2013 20:38

I think you are resentful of your MIL (maybe for good reasons) but it is clouding yoru judgement on this. My parents and in-laws have often bought toys as gifts to be kept at their house. Its normal.

Cluffyflump · 23/12/2013 20:39

Is dd upset?

weeblueberry · 23/12/2013 20:41

Unless you mentioned you wanted it at yours when you discussed what she was getting for your DD I don't this she's being unreasonable at all. How often does she spend at her grandmothers?

phantomnamechanger · 23/12/2013 20:42

who told MIL what it was that DD specially wanted? why not make it YOU (santa) that the specially requested gift was from? Does MIL visit your home? if not, when would she ever get to see DD play with the toy she gave her?

Original poster
queeniefry · 23/12/2013 20:43

MIL said it was DD's decision to leave the toys at her house! As if a 3 yr old would make that decision.
And no, they won't see each other over Xmas. Besides, those were the only presents MIL got for DD.
it just defeats the object if presents are open before Xmas.

OP posts:
DontstepontheBaubles · 23/12/2013 20:44

I'm on the stately home thread and most MIL on there do this. I'm afraid for me I do not see this as normal, or acceptable behaviour. These toys are your child's and are hers to play with, she should be able to take them home to enjoy/ play with. It seems highly unfair if she's given something she loves and she can't take it home, it's almost like leverage to get her to visit again soon.

I appreciate that I come from this from a different angle but it's not on ime.

What's she (MIL) like normally?

Tinkertaylor1 · 23/12/2013 20:46

Mil can choose to give dd presents when ever she wants

She is BU to keep it.

If dd really wanted it, go buy her one for your house . She won't touch mils then when she goes back!

PTFO · 23/12/2013 20:47

I hate it when gp do this. Here's a present but you cant have it to take home, leave it here. Is it to encourage gc to see them? Thing is if gp only see them once a year they have grown out of said present. Pointless. So if gc wants to take it home....what... tears or explain it comes with a catch- it stays at gp's. Why cant gc take some of their own stuff/toys next visit?

I hope GM checked with you first you had not already bought it!

If you gave a present you cant do as you like with it, it then belongs to the child. you cant decide how or when someone uses a gift. thats nuts, I don't get the sarcastic attitude of "well at least gp get them gifts, how terrible of them" if it comes with strings then Ill pass thanks, but hey my inlaws are toxic!!

DontstepontheBaubles · 23/12/2013 20:48

What reason did she give for opening them early? When were you planning on opening presents with them?

I can't help feeling there's more to this than meets the eye.

Anydrinkwilldo · 23/12/2013 20:49

Does she go there often? My DPs have got presents for DS but they'll be staying in their house not coming home. It's just to have stuff there for him to play with as he has nothing there. Maybe that's why?!

meganorks · 23/12/2013 20:50

I think its fairly normal to open presents early with the people who buy them for you if you won't see on Christmas day - my dd and friends did this at wknd. Its also normal to keep some presents at grandparents to play with. My DD often gets presents that stay at theirs and others come home. I don't want them all here! And she likes 2 lots of toys.

Fairylea · 23/12/2013 20:51

Totally unreasonable. If you give a present, you give a present. Not give it at keep it at your house. It goes home with the child!

My ex used to do this despite having contact every two weeks and dd used to be very upset she had to open a present, play with it for two days or whatever and leave it behind.

I used to buy her a duplicate of whatever he'd brought and keep it at ours. Used to make me so angry. .

leftangle · 23/12/2013 20:54

UANBU to be annoyed that happened without discussion. How is your relationship normally with your mil. OTOH my dd when 3 was perfectly clear on occasion that she wanted a new toy to stay at my dm's - although we and dm were encouraging her to bring it home.

RVPisnomore · 23/12/2013 20:55

Sorry but I think this is fair and reasonable. She is the child's GM so why should she check if she can open the present with you first? She wants to share in joy if seeing her grandchild opening the present.

I also don't see the issue with her keeping the toys there, I'm sure she will have lots of toys so it will be nice for her to have something to play with whilst there. Again, she is the child's grandmother so she can make that decision.

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 23/12/2013 20:55

Perfectly reasonable for her to open it so GP could see her reactions but V unreasonable to not let her bring it home.

FirstStopCafe · 23/12/2013 20:56

I think the opening early is fine -it is nice for her to be able to see her granddaughter open the presents. I don't agree with keeping them at her house though. I think it's nice for grandparents to have toys at their house for visits, but not when they are presents. These belong to your dd so in my opinion should have gone home with her