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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex MIL gave DD her Xmas presents early and didn't send them home!!

70 replies

queeniefry · 23/12/2013 20:29

I'm not quite sure what to do/say. DD (3) was at Ex MIL this weekend. Without discussing it with me first, she's given DD her Xmas presents early... just because she wanted to see her open them (which I can sort of understand). But then DD came home without the presents, leaving them at MIL house!! AIBU to think this is totally not on?

OP posts:

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 23/12/2013 22:47

Sorry I did not read the thread before posting but I am clearly on the same page as many posters here who can smell control issues.

You know what OP, I would take the wind out of her sails and simply buy the bloody gift again myself! I have had these argy bargy xmas things being the lamb playing fair and always loosing out in some way. Not any more.

You don't even need to tell your MIL and certainly do not discuss with her what you want to get next time. Take control back.

IF she ever found out or something happend just say" Yes I had to buy her another one, she was aksing for it, and it didnt seem fair to make her wait for it"

ZenNudist · 23/12/2013 22:57

It sounds like you were hankering after this gift as much as yr dd. I know my 3yo would be vvvvexcited to open gifts any time, its not going to spoil Christmas. You have no particular 'right' to see dd open gift.

Are you particularly short on toys? I'm always leaving gifts from my ILs to ds at theirs. I can only clutter my own house up so much.

If dd left gift happily I don't see problem. Is she looking forward to going back to play with it? It's not a particularly good form of control as 3yo have such short memories so if you don't mention it she's not going to be disappointed at not getting to use it.

Also at suggestion to buy duplicate toy. Does she not have enough already?!

Panzee · 23/12/2013 23:00

I make sure the big/noisy toys stay at Granny's.

Maybe83 · 23/12/2013 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissWinter01 · 23/12/2013 23:50

I've heard of this alot. I am inclined to think it's a bit mean to give (especially) a young child a present and then not allow them to take them home. As a kid I would have been gutted.

However, I don't think I would say anything. Your DC will get lots more gifts on Christmas Day so just let it be. Maybe your MIL should have told you that she was intending on keeping gifts for her house but really in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?

pumpkinsweetie · 23/12/2013 23:51

Sounds like the puppet strings are at play here. It's a very cruel thing to do to a child, and it's almost a statement that her gifts are too good to go to your home!

MsPavlichenko · 24/12/2013 00:05

Both my late M and MIL had loads of toys for their DGCS at their homes. A contribution of old toys, a few left (by choice) by DGCS, and others they bought.

They also loved to see the kids open their gifts, and we always organised this so they could, either on Christmas Day, or as close as possible. But, never, ever would they have expected the DGCS to do anything other than take them home/keep them there. And this continued after the end of my marriage.

I think it is actually cruel to give a gift to a young child, and then withhold it. Surely you want them to have the pleasure of it?

BrianTheMole · 24/12/2013 00:08

Seems a bit stupid to give a child a toy and then not let her take it home. So she can play with it once a month. Very controlling of mil.

starlight1234 · 24/12/2013 00:18

I had this when DS turned 3..Ex mil and EXh saw DS at soft play for 2 hours a fortnight...He cried when he left soft play about EXh present so he gave it him then cried all afternoon about MIL present... I emailed and said I would prefer them not to buy gifts if he can't take them home as I have to deal with the upset... I said I am more than willing to send the said toys to contact each time...

I agree though next time ask for set of drums, keyboard anything noisy and annoying

wispywoo1 · 24/12/2013 00:18

this annoys me. In the past my niece has received iPads, Xboxes, tvs etc but they must stay in her dad's. My believe is that they are more likely presents to himself. Does the MIL have any other GC? Will she want to keep hold of the toys so they can use them?

Maybe83 · 24/12/2013 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 24/12/2013 00:39

YABU - of course it's nice to see a child open the present you've bought them. I actually think it's quite nice to spread present opening over a couple of days too, otherwise children get too much into the "next" thinking, of 'OK, I've opened that, put it aside, now I can open the next one'.
You have actually said that your dd said she'd leave it there, and that she wasn't 'banned' from bringing it home as some posters are trying to say - children do do that, compartmentalise things into being at cerrtain places - quite a healthy way to be able to sort things in your mind if you are presumably spending time at different places (suggested by the fact you said 'Ex-MiL')

Maybe83 · 24/12/2013 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnish · 24/12/2013 00:48

Look on the bright side, my mil has given my dc's clothing as gifts which were taken back when we went to leave...

WeAreEternal · 24/12/2013 01:21

My ex SIL and her parents do this.

They only see DBROs DS once a fortnight for one day but insist on buying him expensive games consoles and toys they he isn't allowed to take home.
They also have clothes for him that he is changed into as soon as he arrives and made to change out of before he goes home.

It has been like this since he was two (he is 6 now)

ExSIL also made a big deal about posting lots of pictures of Facebook of the mountains of presents that she had bought for her "little prince" but then when she was supposed to have him for the day yesterday she was too hungover feeling ill and canceled on him, 15 minutes before he was supposed to be dropped off.

littlewhitechristmasbag · 24/12/2013 07:36

My DM doesn't insist gift bought for DGC are left at hers; it is DGC who likes them to be left. My DM buys her a lots of craft type gifts which they adore doing together. SIL is not so keen on that type of activity. I think it depends in what spirit toys are left at others houses really. It is very mean if the child really wanted the toy and was not allowed to take it home.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 24/12/2013 07:39

There is nothing wrong at all with giving a gift early when you wont be seeing the recipient over Christmas.

If she's insisted they are kept at her house, however, that's a bit odd and not on IMO.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 24/12/2013 07:59

I've been the child who got the Really Special Toy then isn't allowed to worship it for five minutes and must leave it at a relative's house before going home.

It actually hurts remembering. To the point when I was pregnant, I actually said this was not to be done. If a present was to stay at grannies, it wasn't a gift to be unwrapped then snatched away. Buy it yourself and keep it there.

JingleMyBells · 24/12/2013 08:09

Could be worse. My ex-husband bought clothes that were meant only to be worn at his house. DS was once made to strip at the door. Angry wasn't the word.

As to your exMiL, when people do things like that, it makes the present more about them than the recipient. She wanted to see her DG open them so they had to be opened early. Now the presents have to stay so she can only enjoy them at certain times. Why not just buy other things that can stay there.

MusicalEndorphins · 24/12/2013 08:41

I'd march (or walk) to the store and buy DD the same toy. Take that Xmil.

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