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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL gave DD her Xmas presents early and didn't send them home!!

70 replies

queeniefry · 23/12/2013 20:29

I'm not quite sure what to do/say. DD (3) was at Ex MIL this weekend. Without discussing it with me first, she's given DD her Xmas presents early... just because she wanted to see her open them (which I can sort of understand). But then DD came home without the presents, leaving them at MIL house!! AIBU to think this is totally not on?

OP posts:
Rissolesfortea · 23/12/2013 20:56

I buy my dgd toys and keep them here, but I look after her 2 or 3 full days every week (free) and she needs things to play with here. I guess its different if she rarely visits.

pixiepotter · 23/12/2013 20:59

YABU I think it's fine on both counts,

PTFO · 23/12/2013 20:59

You don't buy something for someone to watch them use/play with it. Its a gift for them not you. Its about their (child) pleasure not the gift giver's pleasure. iykwim.

I can understand them wanting to see her open gifts but that's where it ends. kid gets to take it home and next time she can choose what she leaves at gp if she wants to.

pigsinmud · 23/12/2013 21:00

My mil's friend used to give the dc presents and on the label would be the instruction to leave it at their granny's house. It used to really annoy me. We never did leave them which would piss off my mil. She'd say but x wants the toys/puzzles/books to stay here, but we'd say it wasn't up to the friend to dictate what the dc want to do with their presents.

I also don't like opening presents before Christmas, but I know plenty of people are happy with it. Again, mil would insist they opened them at her house before Christmas - if she wasn't with us for Christmas. I found it odd as my mum would just give me the presents for Christmas day and not insist they open them early.

ChristineDaae · 23/12/2013 21:00

I have a DN who never wants to take his toys home with him. He won't tell you the reason but never ever takes stuff back to he mums. Anything you persuade him to take her 'forgets' and leaves in the car anyway

Original poster
queeniefry · 23/12/2013 21:02

DD doesn't see MIL that often, once a month or so...
Suppose my main hurt is the fact that MIL was quick to discuss with me what DD wanted for Xmas and then get the most expensive of things. Watch DD open them without me there and then keep them at their house.
MiL now says I'm ungrateful!?

OP posts:
ElbowPrincess · 23/12/2013 21:03

You are a bit.

PTFO · 23/12/2013 21:04

tell mil that her present from you stays at your home. She can use it when she is only at yours.

givemeaboost · 23/12/2013 21:04

bah, I hate this, gift giving with strings attatched, my exp and his family do it, not only with presents but birthday cards etc tooSad. there is little that can be done about it, Only option is to go out and buy duplicate of what mil has bought.

GlitterFingers · 23/12/2013 21:05

This happen on dds birthday. ExILs kept everything including all presents from their side Confused I wouldn't of minded as much if they had sent her back with just one token gift but nothing. They can keep it all and they can explain to dd why she can't take things home with her. Weirdos

givemeaboost · 23/12/2013 21:05

oh and next year, don't discuss what dd wants with your mil!!Smile

DontstepontheBaubles · 23/12/2013 21:08

Don't tell her next year what your DD wants the most.

I'm sorry but the fact she's bought the most expensive that your DD wanted the most and is now ensuring they're left at hers not at yours, rings alarm bells for me. Control? Manipulation?

Having a longed for toy you can play with only once a month? Not on.

Xmasbaby11 · 23/12/2013 21:11

I think both are OK - she can always bring the presents back another time. Presumably she will be given presents on Xmas day and Mil thought DD wouldn't need / want them for a while.

YABU - a bit controlling, IMO.

MrsOakenshield · 23/12/2013 21:13

well, my mum gave us DD's presents, for her to open on Christmas Day (which is being spent with other GM). No question at all that the presents were for DD, to open on Christmas Day. My mum isn't such a narcissist that she has to witness her presents being opened by the recipient.

Asking a 3-year-old if they want to keep their present at GM's is totally a leading question.

YANBU on either count, but what's done is done.

needaholidaynow · 23/12/2013 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OctopusWrangler · 23/12/2013 21:26

Some people are just selfish wallies. My daughter has a beautiful chess set. That has to stay at her dad's house. Where she visits perhaps once every six weeks, so gets to use maybe once every twelve weeks or so. Apparently it's to protect the chess set. Heigh ho. She plays chess on the iPad instead.

IamInvisible · 23/12/2013 21:34

I can understand the wanting to see your DD open her presents, but I think it is odd to want to keep the presents at her house. Surely the pleasure of giving the gift comes from the joy the recipient gets out of using/playing with that gift?

RedLondonBus · 23/12/2013 21:37

Why on earth do you have to 'be there'?? You're DD has a life and relationships which are seperate to you

RedLondonBus · 23/12/2013 21:38

Won't you see your DD open presents that you have bought?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 23/12/2013 21:44

A gift with strings like 'leave at grannie's house' isnt a gift IMO.

If you want to have toys for visiting DCs to play with then provide them but dont pretend they are gifts to the child.

Iris445 · 23/12/2013 21:52

Mrs O I agree with your narcissist comment.
My Toxic in laws refuse to give the children presents unless they can see them open them. (Cue Dc's not getting gifts from them on Christmas day.)

So we have no teaon to call them or video link with them like we do with everyone else. It's toxic.

Mmmbacon · 23/12/2013 22:00

Crikey, I'm a bit .... With some of the replies, my mams is in constant readiness to entertain small people, just this weekend gone we turned up to swop presents, toddler ds and dd received gifts, didn't need to be opened, they are strictly for christmas morning,

Mam did pull out the "nanas toys box" which are nanas toys for ds to party with, they are not gifts, but a collection of toys she has bought for her house, they are never new in box, as she always opens them and throws anything new into box herself ready for the next invasion,

Our toddler then had a vile nappy as teething so I ran a bath while mam fished out the baby shampoo and bubble bath that she keeps just in case, she also keeps spare tooth brushes and nickers just

I just can't understand op if your exmil wants a grannies toy box why she doesn't just buy even some second hands toys for her house, you just dont keep PRESENTS for a CHILD, its plain mean

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 23/12/2013 22:03

My DD never brings home gifts that her GP have brought her, and i dont really care, she has more than enough crap her as it is.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 23/12/2013 22:39

I can understand your pain here op, but its going to depend on how your child reacts to presnets on xmas day.

In our case our DD was 2.5 and I was really looking forward to her first really aware xmas.

However she went to MILS on xmas eve when they open presents and got lots of stuff from them and that side of family.

Came to xmas day and she was not interested!

It totally ruined it for me, I was gutted! So gutted.

I have put a stop to that now!

So see how she is on xmas day will she get excited still and so on....

But I can see the control thing here, she wants to buy a gift but only keep it there....I do not believe the three year old would have chosen that option, what child would.

Is she trying to use it as a tactic to get the child to ask to go there more often?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 23/12/2013 22:40

Mam did pull out the "nanas toys box" which are nanas toys for ds to party with, they are not gifts, but a collection of toys she has bought for her house, they are never new in box, as she always opens them and throws anything new into box herself ready for the next invasion

This is what I would do for my GC, pick up stuf from car boots and the like and have it there for them, not buy them gifts and insist they stay at my house! Unless. unless the mum had specifically requested I did so!