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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is SIL re what makes you related?

81 replies

Sunnymeg · 22/12/2013 14:39

I've just had the weirdest conversation with my SIL. DH has a brother , Tom, who has had children with two women, neither of whom he has married. SIL is married to another of DH's brothers. We have just had SIL over for the exchange of Christmas Presents. MIL was here as well. MIL laid into SIL for not buying presents for Tom's children. SIL said that they weren't her relations as Tom had never married their mother and she was only related to the family through marriage. The whole situation got a bit heated. SIL says that they are nothing to do with her. Admittedly we never see the children, MIL is the only one who has contact and I always feel a bit odd buying them stuff, but I always thought that I was their Aunt, but perhaps I was wrong.

OP posts:
Mrsrochesterscat · 22/12/2013 14:42

Those poor children probably feel rejected enough already - keep giving them gifts, those gifts remind them that they are thought of and loved from afar.

TidyDancer · 22/12/2013 14:42

I guess you're both technically right. You're related to them by marriage, so you're not blood related.

In terms of what I think you're actually getting at, they should be treated equally whether there was a marriage or not. Though why SIL's DH isn't doing the shopping for his side of the family would be my next question, and he's the one MIL should be getting shirty with if anything.

Shakirasma · 22/12/2013 14:43

Your SIL is wierd. She may not be related to the children's mothers, but those kids are her BIL's blood, just as much as her own children are her dh's blood
.

LoonvanBoon · 22/12/2013 14:43

Not sure I agree with your SIL's idea of what makes you related, but I think your MIL is utterly unreasonable to have a go at her DIL over ANY issue concerned with present-buying for her side of the family. If she feels the need to have a go at anyone, it should be her own son. Does your MIL think her sons are incapable of buying presents?

Sorry but issues of who's related to who fade into nothingness for me in comparison with the sexist bollocks that says present-buying is exclusively women's work.

kinkychristmas · 22/12/2013 14:44

Of course they are still family, if your BIL is their genetic father.

If she's not going to give them gifts, I take it your DH's brother picks up the slack, since he is blood related?

RandomMess · 22/12/2013 14:44

MIL should be shirty with her sons for not buying their neice/nephew anything. Tom should be sorting out contact with the wider family not just MIL.

WidowWadman · 22/12/2013 14:45

They're her brother-in-law's children, regardless whether he was married to their mother or not. So in that regard she's unreasonable.
However, what does her husband think about it? Why should it be her responsibility alone?

WilsonFrickett · 22/12/2013 14:45

Of course she is technically their Aunt (by marriage if you're being pernickity like she is) but I think it's fair enough to feel that you don't have anything to do with children you've never seen. If you mean she has literally never clapped eyes on them, then personally I'd probably buy a small, token present but I wouldn't probably spend nearly as much as I would on nieces and nephews I saw.

WilsonFrickett · 22/12/2013 14:45

And indeed, why is present buying for all children her job?

PicaK · 22/12/2013 14:46

She's def b u. They're her nephews and/or neices!

80sdrummer · 22/12/2013 14:46

What loona said re present buying.

SIL is related to the children by marriage - they are her husband's niece / nephew and her children's cousins

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 22/12/2013 14:46

What an ignorant and mean woman. Although not sure why it's down to the SIL to buy presents, what about her husband who is the blood relation?

Shakirasma · 22/12/2013 14:47

And everyone else is right, why is her dH not buying presents for his neices/nephews?

ILoveAFullFridge · 22/12/2013 14:48

They are stil her BIL's children. it would be like my dh not giving my dsis's son a present. Weird. and as for nit seeing them, my dc get gifts from aunts and uncles whom they never see, and we send these aunts and uncles a copy of the school portrait photos every year.

BehindLockNumberNine · 22/12/2013 14:49

If she has never seen them, never met them, then I can understand her not buying presents for them. Especially if, like us, she is on a budget and has to stretch her money for gifts for close family.
If the children in question don't know her, then they surely don't expect presents from her?

I guess it is up to MIL, Tom and SIL's dh to sort out regular contact with these children and bring them into the family fold.
What is the reason you and SIL have never met them?

monicalewinski · 22/12/2013 14:49

IMO it all depends how close you are and how much you have to do with each other.

In my family, and in laws, the only ones I buy presents for are those I see regularly - my sister's children. All the other children who are my nieces/nephews by marriage, I don't buy for as I see them very, very rarely.

In this case, I agree with your SIL as she never sees them. If your MIL wants to create, them she should take it up with the brother not her DIL.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 22/12/2013 14:51

By her logic about blood relations, then my DD's grandparents and aunt, shouldnt bother buying DD things, since none of them are blood related (ex was adopted).

And my little sisters grandparents shouldnt bother either since they are only my half sisters grandparents and not DD's great grandparents.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 22/12/2013 14:52

Oh heck. Best get back some presents I have sent then since the parents aren't married Hmm.

Oh wait, they are our relations still.

SIL is being spiteful.

K8Middleton · 22/12/2013 14:52

Mil needs to talk to her son about present buying. Why is it SIL's job? Because she's a woman? Bollocks to that.

Although sil is being weird about how people are related. Those children are her husband's nieces and nephews. Unless she meant that they are not blood relations and blood relations but for each other as a way of divvying up the job with her dh. That would be perfectly acceptable; you buy for your family and I'll buy for mine and we'll spread the load.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2013 14:52

This shouldn't be an issue for your SIL if her DH bought presents for his own nieces and nephews.

I'm not sure why your MIL took it out on her?

K8Middleton · 22/12/2013 14:53

Buy not but. Dyac!

ivykaty44 · 22/12/2013 14:53

Those children are her children's cousins and she is the aunt

an aunt is the sister or spouse of the child's parent

Finola1step · 22/12/2013 14:54

Your MIL is arguing with the wrong person. She needs to have strong words with both her sons.

NearTheWindmill · 22/12/2013 14:54

If SIL doesn't have contact with the children or their mother then I don't really see why she should buy them presents. Does their mother buy presents for SIL's children? Not that that's what gift giving should be about but if your SIL doesn't have a relationship with them why should she buy for them?

I don't buy for my SIL's children because when I did she sent rude messages about the presents back home through MIL (lives in Australia) and never ever said as much as thank you. Therefore I stopped buying for her and for her children. She didn't receive what was sent with grace, she's visited her parents twice in 20 years and couldn't be bother to come to her father's funeral because it would stress her. As far as I am concerned she is less than nothing to do with me.

Original poster
Sunnymeg · 22/12/2013 14:55

BIL and DH weren't brought up to buy gifts or do anything like that, MIL did it all for FIL. DH has been �� cough�� retrained, but SIL likes to be in charge of present buying.

OP posts:
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