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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is SIL re what makes you related?

81 replies

Sunnymeg · 22/12/2013 14:39

I've just had the weirdest conversation with my SIL. DH has a brother , Tom, who has had children with two women, neither of whom he has married. SIL is married to another of DH's brothers. We have just had SIL over for the exchange of Christmas Presents. MIL was here as well. MIL laid into SIL for not buying presents for Tom's children. SIL said that they weren't her relations as Tom had never married their mother and she was only related to the family through marriage. The whole situation got a bit heated. SIL says that they are nothing to do with her. Admittedly we never see the children, MIL is the only one who has contact and I always feel a bit odd buying them stuff, but I always thought that I was their Aunt, but perhaps I was wrong.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 22/12/2013 19:20

Actually, as an aside, I too would be very cross if someone tried to tell me who I should buy present for, or not as MiL tried to do this year. As a grown adult, I can make those choices for myself, tbh.

WoTmania · 22/12/2013 19:29

She's BU - they are related to her by marriage as they are her BIL's children. They don't somehow not become linked biologically because he's not married to their mother.

FlowerytaleofNewYork · 22/12/2013 19:30

"I am married. I don't consider any of the in laws as my family. If OH (sorry but "DH is too twee for words) wants them to have presents he's free to buy them. It's nothing to do with me."

Horses for courses I guess, but I'd find that a bit sad. We as a family unit buy presents for our collective family; parents on both sides, parents, siblings, nieces. They are from all of us (DH & I and the DC). I can't imagine a scenario where not only do I not care whether presents are being bought for DHs family, but I don't even know, and they wouldn't be from me.

MIL in OP is BU though.

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 19:37

I buy presents for close friend's children, I give a money present to my own nephew. I don't give presents to any of OH'S family (apart from his mother as she has inexplicably started to give me a present, I wish she wouldn't) as none of them are family or friends of mine. I don't like or dislike them, I rarely see them and have no particular interest in them.

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 19:38

Sorry should be close friends'children

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 19:45

Flowery my friends are a million miles more important to me than random in laws I never see. There's no contest. If OH died for example it's my friends I'd seek comfort from, not the in laws.

BerryChristmas · 22/12/2013 20:04

Why didn't SIL husband buy presents for his brother's children? Why should it be SIL?

WoTmania · 22/12/2013 20:13

Berry - OP said 'but SIL likes to be in charge of present buying.' earlier in the thread so it sounds like she's taken on the role of present buyer.

StrangeGlue · 22/12/2013 20:20

I would consider myself aunt to Tom's kids in the same way that my dad's brotjer's wives are my aunts and have always been referred to as such.

Whether in this case sil 'should' be buying presents all depends on the relationship she has with those kids/attitude to present buying/ infinite other factors.

In RL everyone I meet seems to have pairs of uncles and aunts (if in relationships) not just uncle x and his wife - but this thread seems to suggest others have it the other way round.

Regardless the mil shouldn't be lashing into anyone about present buying choices.

FlowerytaleofNewYork · 22/12/2013 22:10

It's not a question of whether in laws or friends are more important Caitlin, not sure how that came into it?

I personally find it strange that you think it's "inexplicable" that your mother in law buys you a Christmas present. I think I'd find it more unusual for people not to buy their daughter-in-law a present!

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 22:43

Flowery The thread is about whether there is some obligation to buy presents for people who happen to be related to the person you are married to. I buy presents for friends and children of friends as they matter to me. I can't see the slightest reason why I would buy presents for his brother and sister and their spouses and children whom I see less than once a year. We have our incomes, if he wants to that's up to him. I don't expect him to buy Christmas or birthday presents for my family.

As for his mother she doesn't like me and I don't like her. Why she has now after many years decided to get me a present I don't know.

Preciousbane · 22/12/2013 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlowerytaleofNewYork · 23/12/2013 08:14

"As for his mother she doesn't like me and I don't like her. Why she has now after many years decided to get me a present I don't know."

If you don't like each other that makes a whole lot more sense! If she's now started buying for you maybe it's an olive branch? No fun not getting on with your daughter-in-law indefinitely I'd guess.

I don't individually buy separate presents for DHs family obviously. We buy one present for each person and they are from us as a family unit.

I don't think anyone should feel obligated to buy presents for their in laws if they don't want to, but for most long term couples/married couples, gifts are from both anyway so all it is is putting an extra name on the tag.

moominmarvellous · 23/12/2013 08:35

I wouldn't be buying for those children unless I know and see them or at least their mother.

I don't see my cousins or their children. I've met them on occaision. Therefore I doint send them presents and they don't send them to me. To me this is the same, if not a step removed!

I don't think either of you ABU. Your MIL is though, absolutely no right to dictate who anyone else should be buying for.

wowfudge · 23/12/2013 14:44

If I was your SIL I would be very hacked off with MIL for laying into me publicly over who I buy gifts for. It's none of her business and if she feels so strongly, she should have a word with her son - privately - and suggest it might be nice if he could give presents to all his nieces and nephews.

ViviPru · 23/12/2013 14:54

I agree with those saying your MIL is out of line. I do not think that anything should dictate whom one should be expected to buy gifts for, it's a personal choice.

If SIL doesn't have contact with the children or their mother then I don't really see why she should buy them presents.

I agree^^

Saying they're 'not her relations' is irrelevant and clumsy of her though.

bemusedisnottheword · 23/12/2013 16:08

I still buy for my exs children even though wr are not related. I have given them money in a card as they are older now but as I see it they are related to my daughters and I want to maintain that bond.

Ex gets them sweet fa

VivaLeBeaver · 23/12/2013 16:11

They're her nephews.

I bought presents for my SILs, partner's kids. So they sure weren't related to me but we were seeing them at Xmas and they were kids....they got a present. They weren't event related to dh.

Iamsparklyknickers · 23/12/2013 16:19

Hands up - I feel much the same way about DP's family.

I barely see them, and I do feel that because he hasn't fostered the relationship between us it's on his shoulders. I don't know them and my family is tiny in comparison so a lot of their ways are completely alien to me.

I'm not about to go bowling up and elbow my way into their family unit, so if he wants us to be closer it's up to him. In the meantime these gestures are his responsibility because I haven't got a clue what they'd want, like or need.

We've been together over a decade and I know it stings him that I certainly don't consider myself as an aunt to his nieces and nephews [shrugs]

So I can certainly see why your SIL may feel people that your MIL has a relationship with but hasn't encouraged with the rest of the family have already been separated from her family unit.

Who knows, maybe she's actually a bit offended by it.

bemusedisnottheword · 23/12/2013 18:28

Ex gets them sweet fa

Mim78 · 23/12/2013 19:24

Yes surely her husband should be buying the pressies for his own nephews/nieces? They are related to him on any analysis. I think the married/not married thing is a red herring tbh.

daisychain01 · 23/12/2013 19:27

Maybe a Christmas dollop of "tact and diplomacy" on all sides might have been better? ...

WhoNickedMyName · 23/12/2013 19:34

I'd feel the same as your SIL. These are children she hasn't met, doesn't know.

Neither Tom nor your MIL does anything to encourage any contact between the children and the extended family? Then they can't complain.

fanoftheinvisibleman · 23/12/2013 19:53

Family to me is nothing to do with blood or marriage.

My brother is not married to his gf and her dd is not his biological daughter. But they are both a huge part of our lives and are not treated any differently than if they were.

Dh does not see his family at all so we do not buy for his nephews and nieces as there has been nc at all for a good few years now.

Family is more than just blood or marriage. It is more complex than that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/12/2013 19:55

If SiL and BiL do not see the children then "family" should back off.

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