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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is SIL re what makes you related?

81 replies

Sunnymeg · 22/12/2013 14:39

I've just had the weirdest conversation with my SIL. DH has a brother , Tom, who has had children with two women, neither of whom he has married. SIL is married to another of DH's brothers. We have just had SIL over for the exchange of Christmas Presents. MIL was here as well. MIL laid into SIL for not buying presents for Tom's children. SIL said that they weren't her relations as Tom had never married their mother and she was only related to the family through marriage. The whole situation got a bit heated. SIL says that they are nothing to do with her. Admittedly we never see the children, MIL is the only one who has contact and I always feel a bit odd buying them stuff, but I always thought that I was their Aunt, but perhaps I was wrong.

OP posts:
K8Middleton · 22/12/2013 14:57

Does Tom buy for SIL's chidren?

I think mil sounds like a pita.

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 14:57

I don't think I'm related to OH's siblings or parents

mercibucket · 22/12/2013 15:53

she is right. if the blood relative (her husband) can't be arsed buying a gift and doesn't see them as family, then the non-blood relative is even less obligated

but you are right too. they are still 'family' and it is sad that the father doesn't make more effort to introduce them to his side of the family

Trills · 22/12/2013 16:07

They are as much her nieces or nephews as they would be if her BIL has married their mothers.

She can choose to say that she is not "related" to her DH's family if she wishes. But it's yes or no, not "only if the parents were married".

mercibucket · 22/12/2013 16:12

if sil and her dh got divorced, and the kids were later introduced to 'uncle tom' , would they also be told about 'auntie jo' or would they just be introduced to the new wife of uncle tom?

mercibucket · 22/12/2013 16:16

tbh I do see my non-blood relation nieces and nephews as my family, but it would be a nonexistent relationship if dh remarried, as I am not close enough to sil, who is separated from bil. and bil would side with dh and cut me off, as that is what he expected from us when he divorced
it is Sad but true for my family at least

mer74 · 22/12/2013 16:24

sorry but why did the mum berate SIL about it?

surely her son is the legitimate target to vent to, if she has a problem with what's happened?

why is this SIL's fault at all?

why does having a vagina make you automatic gift giver at christmas, even if it's not for your half of the family Hmm?

WeAreEternal · 22/12/2013 16:50

I honestly believe that blood/DNA is not family, it is just genetics, love makes people family.

I consider my best friend a sister, I love her the same way I love my siblings and my DS considers her an aunt.
At the same time I have a brother i have nothing to so with, I do not consider him family, I have never met his GF or DC and have no intention of doing so, I don't consider them in anyway related to DS, DP or I.

TravellingToad · 22/12/2013 16:58

Sorry can't get past MIL laying into SIL instead of her son, for not buying gifts for MIL sons relatives.

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 17:31

I'm married. There is no way his nephews and nieces are related to me. I've no idea if OH gives them presents, I suspect he sends cheques, but that's up to him. I'd be astonished at any one suggesting I am obliged to buy presents for them.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 22/12/2013 17:34

Of course you aren't Caitlin17 as you aren't married but these children are her husbands children so she is related.

Seems like SIL "being in charge of present buying" needs to stop being so bossy.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 22/12/2013 17:36

Caitlin17 I assumed you weren't married as you said OH not DH.

Your DH's nieces and nephews are also your nieces and nephews.

In our house I buy most presents, including those for DH's parents and sibling and when his cousins have babies it is me that goes and gets the gifts. I don't understand this hostility to buying gifts for your partner's biological family when they are your related by marriage family too.

maddening · 22/12/2013 17:39

they are her husband's nephew and niece , as they are your husband's - you are both related by marriage - Tom's dc are as much as a relation to her as your dc's are

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 22/12/2013 17:42

I think the relative is a side issue anyway. I don't think anybody has the right to tell somebody who to buy presents for.
I know they are only children but we don't buy for all the dc in our extended family or else we'd have no money left for our own.
If the sil dh wants to buy for his nieces/nephews its up to him, surely.

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 18:00

I am married. I don't consider any of the in laws as my family. If OH (sorry but "DH is too twee for words) wants them to have presents he's free to buy them. It's nothing to do with me.

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 18:08

Your mil is outrageous. Why on earth should her son's partner be expected to buy presents for her partner's nephews and nieces whom she's never met?

Yama · 22/12/2013 18:09

The only unreasonable person in your op is your MIL. Well, I suppose you are for judging your SIL for not buying for her dh's side of the family.

Birdsgottafly · 22/12/2013 18:27

SIL is right on the sense that they are nothing to do with her, she could not insist that she has contact, for example.

She doesn't have to buy for them, she has given an answer in defense, because she has been wrongly attacked, as others have said it is up to those who are blood related to sort out the situation.

I was in a similar situation years ago, oddly enough I have been the most supportive to the children I didn't see, now they are adults. I am not strictly speaking related, but I have had one of them living with me and two others turn to me and my children, when they need help.

One if the children is the spitting image of my middle DD, it hits home what you miss out on.

Your BIL needs his arse kicking into touch.

I wouldn't of taken money out if my then limited budget, to send presents to children that I might never meet.

I don't know how your MIL explains the lack of contact to your and SIL's children, but SIL may prefer that complete black out on the situation.

BohemianGirl · 22/12/2013 18:28

I'll argue the toss on this.

Your own siblings partners are BIL/SIL as are your partners siblings (by virtue of marriage) - but your partners siblings partners are of no relation whatsoever legally to you. You may choose to call them BIL/SIL for ease in polite conversation but they are so far removed they become inconsequential UNLESS you are a close family and socialise together a lot. If that is the case name tags and relationships tend not to matter because you enjoy each others company and choose to accept the family relationship

ComposHat · 22/12/2013 18:41

Not buying because they aren't blood relationsis a bit petty, but if she never sees them and has no relationship with them is more understandable.

usernameunknown · 22/12/2013 18:50

Does Tom buy for SIL's chidren?

Good question. I need the answer to that before I decide who is being unreasonable

Birdsgottafly · 22/12/2013 18:51

I would be more concerned about why only MIL has contact and why your DH doesn't want to know these children than all having a go at your SIL, tbh.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 22/12/2013 18:57

Are you sure that the whole 'not my relatives' thing is the actual reason she doesn't buy for them, or the 'backed into a corner' reason? You say your MIL laid into her?

Because really, whether you are technically related or not isn't to me the test or whether you buy a present for a child. I buy for a close friend's children but not some people who are technically relatives.

I would be interested to know whether Tom buys for her children? And why there is no contact between the various cousins. That seems to me the heart of the issue, not some debate about technical degrees of relatives.

BackforGood · 22/12/2013 19:14

Well, when buying presents, cards, etc., we buy as a couple for our nieces and nephews, so there's no differentiation between those I have an actual genetic tie with (ie my siblings' dc) and those my dh has a genetic tie with (ie, dh's siblings' dc), so on that count, your 'Tom' BiL's children are the ame relation to your SiL as your dc are.
However, if you don't have any contact, as a family with them, then I can understand her not getting them presents, but that would stand if they are the relation they are to her, or if they were her own sister's dc., that's about them not having a personal relationship.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 22/12/2013 19:18

Oh yes, I agree. If I was your SIL I would be mightily fucked off that it was me getting a bollocking and not my husband - i.e. the uncle of those children and a blood relative. I would definitely have left the debate of why we do or do not buy for his blood relatives to him!