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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should do it MY way?

73 replies

Flojobunny · 21/12/2013 18:46

Due to my landlord selling my home I was forced to move again Sad (5 happy, single yrs there).
I decided since it was a blank canvas that DP might like to move in, it is still my name on rent book but otherwise we are pretty equal. This was quite premature (it's only been a few months) but now it feels like our home and we r happy.
DP is generally great with the kids, rolls his sleeves up and gets stuck in.
12 months ago I was battling depression, struggling to cope alone and very snappy with kids.
I did a positive parenting course and try to implement it as much as possible. DP on other hand is quite strict, like I used to be, for example an hour ago he said "DC2 that was very naughty of you to leave the table and go to mummy when she was relaxing" me: "she's fine, leave her" DP: "don't undermine me". Although I have explained the positive strategies to him, he's very much "it never did me any harm" to be firm.
How do I get the balance of making our family work and asking him to take a little step back on the discipline as its early days without sounding like I'm being awkward when it suits?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 21/12/2013 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 21/12/2013 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RedLondonBus · 21/12/2013 18:52

Yes, why do you think it's him in the wrong?

mer74 · 21/12/2013 18:54

you need to work on this privately with your DH

not undermine him in front of them; i can really see his point on that one.

it doesn't make it any better if he's using different techniques than you'd prefer with the DCs. so that's a fair point.

but you need to not do it in the way you did.

so... YANBU to want to work out the parenting techniques with him, and expect him to engage with that.

but YABU to expect an exchange like you've written to be received well, or have a positive effect (IME kids spot divide and conquer as a point of weakness and exploit it like the ruthless little buggers they can be Grin)

hoobypickypicky · 21/12/2013 18:57

You can tell your partner to do it your way if you like but don't be surprised if he leaves you to do the cooking/nappy changing/cleaning up after the children too. He claims that his way didn't do him any harm. What if it didn't? What if being firmer than you is a good thing? Why is your way best?

I'm asking before he does.

JustALittleGreen · 21/12/2013 18:58

Did you discuss the way you wanted your children to be parented before you asked this man to move in with you?! It sounds like you've shacked up with someone you barely know and now find there are huge differences in the way you wish your children to be treated, from the way he wishes to treat YOUR children. You might want to sort this one out quite quickly before anyone gets hurt. If its not far, far too late for that already.

ChatNicknameUnavailable · 21/12/2013 18:58

How do I get the balance of making our family work and asking him to take a little step back on the discipline as its early days without sounding like I'm being awkward when it suits?

To be frank...if you feel it's too 'early days' for him to have any say in regards to your children then it's too early days for you to have moved him in at all.

I'm always astonished at people who move relative strangers into the same house as their children after weeks or months of a relationship.

DolomitesDonkey · 21/12/2013 18:59

You seem to have confused the role of equal and life partner with lodger.

softlysoftly · 21/12/2013 19:02

YABU you moved him into these children's lives prematurely yet expect him to act like it's only a few months in ie no parenting?

Should have thought about that. ....

But you are where you are and you need to not undermine him but agree parenting when the kids aren't there.

How are they coping with the "instant dad"?

HandragsNGladbags · 21/12/2013 19:04

Well for me he is right, DC was being naughty. But you need to agree on a parenting strategy that suits you both. Or not live together.

How long have you been together and how long have you lived together?

Original poster
Flojobunny · 21/12/2013 19:06

So basically I can't have a partner living with me who is my partner but not acting like a parent to my DC because that's me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flojobunny · 21/12/2013 19:09

DC used to view him as a play mate and I introduced him relatively early on as I had no babysitter and because I'd think nothing of inviting a female friend to do an activity with DC so why be different with male friends?
Obviously when he moved in 6 weeks ago the dynamics changed somewhat and now he's less fun and a bit more grumpy with them.

OP posts:
ChatNicknameUnavailable · 21/12/2013 19:10

Er no.

The time for shacking up with boyfriends after a couple of months with a 'let's see what happens' attitude is what your teens are for. And the time before you have kids to think of too.

LindyHemming · 21/12/2013 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

softlysoftly · 21/12/2013 19:13

No you can't sorry. Another adult in the house will automatically become an authority figure. To believe anything else is very naive.

How old are the DCs?

JumpingJackSprat · 21/12/2013 19:13

you have to be prepared for him to discipline them otherwise they will not respect him. as long as he is not discipline all the time. You need to give him leeway to pull them up on bad behaviour or its never going work.

Original poster
Flojobunny · 21/12/2013 19:14

So I shouldn't have taken a gamble on being happy then incase it all goes pear shaped?
Surely with divorced rates as high as they are it could go pear shaped at any point anyway?
I don't think this is a serious issue, as in a deal breaker, I just want him to support me in doing the positive parenting thing as I find it hard to do myself, but clearly he does to, and I suspect thinks I'm somewhat crackers for trying!

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 21/12/2013 19:14

"So basically I can't have a partner living with me who is my partner but not acting like a parent to my DC because that's me?"

You can do as you please of course but now he's gone from being your boyfriend to your partner, part of your family, and is in the position of husband in all but name as far as family relationships are concerned. In my book that means you share parenting. Sometimes you'll disagree. Sometimes you have to compromise. It won't help anyone to undermine each other or to treat him as a lodger.

Original poster
Flojobunny · 21/12/2013 19:14

DC 5 & 8

OP posts:
RedLondonBus · 21/12/2013 19:19

Oh dear, this sounds doomed...6 weeks! How long have you known him?

HandragsNGladbags · 21/12/2013 19:20

But, and this is harsh sorry, he doesn't know you and you don't know him really. So it will take time to work out.

How long have you been together?

JustALittleGreen · 21/12/2013 19:20

I am so with you on the positive parenting. It's something I feel very strongly about. Which is why I would make damn sure any prospective partner felt the same way before I brought them into my child's life. Gamble with your own happiness.

HandragsNGladbags · 21/12/2013 19:21

And if you want someone to move in with you, you should know and trust them enough, and have talked enough, to decide that you are compatible. Because you can't ask him to live with you and not parent your dc.

Spaulding · 21/12/2013 19:21

So I shouldn't have taken a gamble on being happy then incase it all goes pear shaped?
Surely with divorced rates as high as they are it could go pear shaped at any point anyway?

IMO, you shouldn't gamble on a relationship working out when you already have two DC. How you're both going to parent should have been discussed before he moved in. You can't have a live-in boyfriend and expect him to have no say in bringing up your children, when you all have to share a house together. You have brought him in to your family, so it is unreasonable for you to have everything your way in regards to the DC and he just has to essentially put up and shut up when he feels they are misbehaving.

It absolutely baffles me when I read on here about women moving in new partners so early on and then wondering why it's not working out.

pictish · 21/12/2013 19:26

So I shouldn't have taken a gamble on being happy then incase it all goes pear shaped?

No...you shouldn't. When you have kids you do not 'take a gamble' with people they are forced to live with!
You have a choice...they do not.