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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP should do it MY way?

73 replies

Flojobunny · 21/12/2013 18:46

Due to my landlord selling my home I was forced to move again (5 happy, single yrs there).
I decided since it was a blank canvas that DP might like to move in, it is still my name on rent book but otherwise we are pretty equal. This was quite premature (it's only been a few months) but now it feels like our home and we r happy.
DP is generally great with the kids, rolls his sleeves up and gets stuck in.
12 months ago I was battling depression, struggling to cope alone and very snappy with kids.
I did a positive parenting course and try to implement it as much as possible. DP on other hand is quite strict, like I used to be, for example an hour ago he said "DC2 that was very naughty of you to leave the table and go to mummy when she was relaxing" me: "she's fine, leave her" DP: "don't undermine me". Although I have explained the positive strategies to him, he's very much "it never did me any harm" to be firm.
How do I get the balance of making our family work and asking him to take a little step back on the discipline as its early days without sounding like I'm being awkward when it suits?

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojobunny · 21/12/2013 19:26

I didn't say it wasn't working out, just that despite talking about it, his parenting style still differs from mine. It's not like he hit them or shouted just slightly harsher than me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojobunny · 21/12/2013 19:28

So I can't live with someone because I have DC? Weird.
They are happier than they have ever been, because I'm happy, and gentle with them and have more time for them.

OP posts:

RedLondonBus · 21/12/2013 19:28

Well he's starting to be the real him isn't he? 6 weeks from now you could be down A&E with them.... You don't know him well enough.

RedLondonBus · 21/12/2013 19:29

Weird? The only weird thing here is your attitude

Hassled · 21/12/2013 19:29

It does sound worryingly quick and yes, I can see why you're bristling at him being strict with your kids. He hasn't really earned the right yet, has he? Be as awkward as you like - they're your children, you decide how you parent them.

HearMyRoar · 21/12/2013 19:30

You seem to have completely missed that this guy is not just moving in with you but also with your children. You should at least have given them a little more thought before progressing your relationship in this way and had a chat with him about how parenting would work in advance.

hoobypickypicky · 21/12/2013 19:30

" just that despite talking about it, his parenting style still differs from mine"

Well what did you expect, OP? That you were going to tell him about parenting your way and and adult man was just going to fall in with it, change his mind because you say you're right and roll over?

Real life relationships don't work like that. Thinking adults don't work like that. No-one likes being told what to do and that someone else's way is right and their's is wrong and effectively not to argue.

Spaulding · 21/12/2013 19:31

No-one is saying you can't live with someone because you have DC. It's the moving a new partner in that you've hardly been with that people are commenting on.

pictish · 21/12/2013 19:31

No...you take some decent amount of time in getting to know your partner before deciding if he has what it takes to meld into your family and live full time with your kids. Longer than a few months.
You didn't bother...and lo and behold, He's not as fun as he used to be. Who'd have thought it eh?

HandragsNGladbags · 21/12/2013 19:32

You still haven't said how long you have been together OP

Xmasbaby11 · 21/12/2013 19:34

If a DP moves in, they become a parent figure. You took a massive chance moving him in so quickly. I think you realise your mistake now.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 19:34

Flojo are you the poster who was on here a few months ago with some relationship issue that you were tromy advised against but went ahead and then came back and whinged when it went wrong? Was it an ex who you were giving another chance or soemthing?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/12/2013 19:35

I think the general consensus here was that you really needed to give men a break for a while. Am i right? Was that you?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/12/2013 19:36

Whose name is on the rent book is nothing to do with who parents a child.

You can't pick and choose what goes on. He is either their as a parent figure or he isn't. If he isn't allowed to parent as he sees fit then don't expect him to do any school runs/nappy changing/bathing etc etc etc.

KingRollo · 21/12/2013 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/12/2013 19:38

Why is it naughty of a child to go to her mum????

QuintessentialShadows · 21/12/2013 19:38

Just saw this:

"So I can't live with someone because I have DC? Weird."

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/12/2013 19:39

there, not their.

You are very prickly. People are pointing out that you have moved in your lover much too soon when you have children of such young ages. Doing something with a female friend is only the same as with a male friend when that male friend is not sleeping in your bed.

Tinks42 · 21/12/2013 19:41

Too much too soon then OP? I personally had boyfriends but no one moved in whilst my child was small, too complicated. Being separate together for me is the way to go.

fifi669 · 21/12/2013 19:47

Yes you can take a gamble on a relationship. All relationships are a gamble. When you have DCs it has to be an educated risk though. You need to trust them 100%, you need common values.

Once anyone has moved in with you they will automatically take on a parenting role. If your sister moved in I'd expect she'd tell off DC if she saw them scribbling on the walls etc

DP isn't DSs biological father but once they were spending time together I had to sit back and let him discipline DS. Even when I thought he was a bit quick to put him in time out etc, I bit my tongue and said nothing. As someone else said, you need a united front, even if you disagree in private.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 21/12/2013 19:50

Sorry, no, it's not a great idea to move a partner in when you have children unless you're pretty much at the level of marriage. It's not the same as it was before children. Partly, yes, because it could go wrong - the stakes are much higher. If he's involved in their lives and home family life and then you realise that you're not suited, they're going to miss him a lot more than if he wasn't living with you.

But also secondly because of this very issue - he's an adult in the house and a partner to you, he needs to take on responsibility for the children. He can't do that if the relationship is too new, it's strange to hear somebody speak to your children in a disciplinary way. I found it really hard when DP first started saying things to DS, even though I'd say the same thing myself! It was even worse if he said something I wouldn't have said in that situation. Now, it's absolutely fine. We have slightly different styles but I totally trust him and don't get that sense of panic/indignancy on DS' behalf. You can't parent effectively together though if - for example, my 5 year old is prone to wail "He hurt me!" (about either of us!) when actually all we were doing was restraining him gently so he couldn't hit or something like that. I know that DP would never hurt him so it doesn't bother me. But if I had doubts or I wasn't sure, then how could you live like that?

I talk from experience here though - DP first moved in with us 9 months after we got together. It wasn't great. In fact, it was pretty disastrous because our relationship was too new - we needed to spend more time "dating" and being a serious couple while living apart and not having to cope with new-stepfatherhood and general issues of that nature. He moved out, more because of a job that came up, than it being this issue itself (but I am glad that the job thing happened because it did us the world of good) and by the time we moved back in together again, we had been together for just under 3 years and were engaged. It works so much better. I would really strongly advise anyone to take it slowly, 2 years as a minimum, and build it up so you spend some longer periods at each others' houses with the DC before you even think about moving in together. It really does require a much stronger commitment than it does when it's just the two of you involved. It was really heartbreaking for me to imagine DS losing DP who he really adored very early on, so I wanted to be as sure as possible. In the beginning I thought it was fine, but it wasn't - what does it tell you if you know you're taking a gamble?

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 21/12/2013 19:56

I also know what it's like, BTW, to struggle and to find it a relief to have somebody move in and take that burden from you - it's massive. I did find it hard when DP moved out. But in my opinion it makes it EVEN MORE important to wait, because you have to know that you CAN cope alone rather than being reliant on another person. Feeling that you need somebody traps you in a relationship, which isn't healthy for you or them, even if the relationship is great.

RedLondonBus · 21/12/2013 20:01

Week op was recently posting about her 'new fella' so can only assume she's moved him in after knowing him less than 3 months! (Going by dates on her other posts)

DoJo · 21/12/2013 20:21

I agree with many other posters that you needed to have worked this out before you moved him in - it's too late to be disagreeing about the way you share parenting now that he has no choice about taking on that role and your children have no choice about how their lives are being affected. It may be that he should do it your way, but how would he know to if you don't even know each other that well yet? My husband and I were together for 12 years before we had a child and we still have conversations about how we will tackle x or y and when one of us thinks the other is wrong we discuss it in private rather than contradicting each other in the moment.
I feel for your children as if you don't know how to deal with your boyfriend's parenting style, then they are probably completely confused as to who to listen to. I hope that you find a way to make this work, or decide that it's not going to before too much damage is done.
And in answer to your questions - no, you shouldn't put gambling on your own happiness above the welfare of your children. They need to be your priority, and moving in with someone who you believe thinks your parenting philosophy is 'crackers' is not the way to ensure that they are.

HandragsNGladbags · 21/12/2013 20:23

Is this the guy who defriended you on Facebook?

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