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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP should do it MY way?

73 replies

Flojobunny · 21/12/2013 18:46

Due to my landlord selling my home I was forced to move again (5 happy, single yrs there).
I decided since it was a blank canvas that DP might like to move in, it is still my name on rent book but otherwise we are pretty equal. This was quite premature (it's only been a few months) but now it feels like our home and we r happy.
DP is generally great with the kids, rolls his sleeves up and gets stuck in.
12 months ago I was battling depression, struggling to cope alone and very snappy with kids.
I did a positive parenting course and try to implement it as much as possible. DP on other hand is quite strict, like I used to be, for example an hour ago he said "DC2 that was very naughty of you to leave the table and go to mummy when she was relaxing" me: "she's fine, leave her" DP: "don't undermine me". Although I have explained the positive strategies to him, he's very much "it never did me any harm" to be firm.
How do I get the balance of making our family work and asking him to take a little step back on the discipline as its early days without sounding like I'm being awkward when it suits?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 21/12/2013 20:29

Wow, I'm amazed at all these people who think parenting decisions can be worked out in advance.

Let me out it this way, me and my hubby have been living together for over 19 years and have a DD who's 11. Only last night, I had words with him after DD went to bed about his style of parenting.

Whatever anyone says on here, it's normal to not always be in perfect agreement with your partner. What's vital here is how you communicate and when. You can be seen to undermine your partner in any way.

Joysmum · 21/12/2013 20:29

you can't* be seen to...

HandragsNGladbags · 21/12/2013 20:39

Yes but you need to have decided whether he will be parenting at all or not surely before he moves in?

And presumably you know your DH very well. The OP doesn't and that makes a huge difference.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 21/12/2013 20:55

YY Handbags. No, of course you can't agree on everything in advance, and there will always be occasions where you have a conversation about how something was handled, but you absolutely need to know them for a while and know that you're basically on the same page morals-wise. I don't think it's possible after a few months. You were with your partner for 8 years by the time your DD was born!

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 21/12/2013 20:56

Sorry I addressed that to Handbags but the "you" sentence was aimed at Joysmum.

ShinyBauble · 22/12/2013 01:30

I don't think a man you've known for six weeks should be dishing out discipline to your children.

In fact, I don't think a man you've known for six weeks should have been introduced to your kids yet. But as he is living with you, you need to sort out some ground rules. If it's positive parenting in your household, he will have to get on board with that - buy him a book on it for Christmas. If he will not complement your parenting style, consider asking him to move out and take things slower, because it will just confuse your children.

And telling a 5 year old she is very naughty for getting down from the table to see her Mum rings alarm bells for me, sorry. Six weeks in he should still be putting his best foot forward. Telling a little girl she was very naughty over a very minor thing, and then chastising you for not agreeing with him after he's been in your lives for five minutes is worrying. He could have control issues.

ShinyBauble · 22/12/2013 01:31

I meant *been living with for six weeks, not known for six weeks.

DolomitesDonkey · 22/12/2013 05:56

I can't believe some of you are suggesting he has the potential to be abusive and controlling just because of what he said.

Is it not conceivable that he meant "give your mum a bit of p&q, she's just having a quick lie down".

Anyone who moves an adult partner in without allowing them to be a "parent" is on the fast-track to relationships board.

They may be your biological children but YOU are responsible for the formation of a new family unit.

Will all end in tears.

JohnnyBarthes · 22/12/2013 08:46

I would be very wary of any person who was keen to move in with a parent and children so early on. Hopefully the worst reasons are the rarest, but the less sinister ones (such as that this man is an irresponsible cock lodger) aren't great either.

OP this man needs to move out.

daisychain01 · 22/12/2013 08:55

Just a thought... Could you and your DP go and do the positive parenting course together? Or else a short parenting course that involves you both, so that you are both "singing from the same hymn sheet"? Iyswim.

It will make him feel he is included and respected and may make life easier to get the balance right.

BohemianGirl · 22/12/2013 08:56

I'm going to make a point here that most of you think but leave unspoken.

There are men who actively solicit single mothers with small children. And they move things along very quickly. Often because its a control thing, but there is also the abuse angle.

I too think the OP is very foolish

ll31 · 22/12/2013 08:59

When you have children they have to be your priority. You've moved someone you don't know long into their home? You need to think about your parenting tbh.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/12/2013 19:48

I agree with Bohemian here. You've had quite a string of men at your home since you and you x split, haven't you? When are you going to start putting your kids needs first
?

nennypops · 22/12/2013 19:59

In fact, I don't think a man you've known for six weeks should have been introduced to your kids yet.

She's been living with him for six weeks, she's known him for a few months.

nennypops · 22/12/2013 20:08

People are being awfully judgy about OP. She's being perfectly reasonable in identifying a glitch in their relationship which needs to be sorted out and trying to work out a way to do that amicably. It's totally unhelpful to come on here to start telling her she shouldn't be in this position and she should have thought all this through first, not least because obviously she can't wind back time.

It does seem to me that OP's partner is being a bit premature muscling in with the discipline, and actually I can't see why on earth it's naughty for a child to go to her mother. If you move into an established family, you really need to tread carefully and fit in with them, rather than expecting to impose your own ideas on them - particularly if you have no previous experience of parenting yourself. Parenting on the basis of strategies that "never did me any harm" is in my experience pretty crap parenting.

So, ideally they would have talked all this through before they moved in together, but we're none of us perfect and OP is reasonably trying to find a solution. I don't think there's any more you can do than sit down with him and explain your point of view, let him explain his, and try to come to a compromise. It might be particularly helpful to send him off on a positive parenting course.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 22/12/2013 20:36

Is this the same bloke who was having strops over Facebook a couple of months back? The one where people advised that things weren't right even then? The controlling one?

The one who de-friended you on Facebook?

He sounds like just the sort of mature male you should definitely have moved in with your children

Original poster

Flojobunny · 22/12/2013 21:45

Thankyou for all the comments, s

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojobunny · 22/12/2013 21:46

Doh!
Some are somewhat harsh but each to their own.

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/12/2013 22:12

So what have you concluded then OP?

Original poster

Flojobunny · 23/12/2013 22:46

I've concluded that despite me thinking I was doing the right thing moving DP in, new house new start, it was somewhat foolish of me and its seems the longer you date someone the odds are in your favour for it lasting longer than if u jump in with both feet in the honeymoon phase.
I think our parenting styles are slightly different, but I imagine they would be with most people. I was questioning more the appropriateness of him needing to discipline at all.
I have raised my DC alone for 8 years so adapting to someone else joining in is going to take a lot of patience and feel alien for quite sometime.
Though I remain positive about the whole situation and I am looking forward to having someone special to share the magic of Xmas with.
Thankyou everyone for your input.

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 23/12/2013 23:01

Good for you flojo. I agree with posts that suggest its a bit soon so im glad that you realise that yourself. Worth considering having him go on the parenting course so you are both working from the same page. New parent figures take time to find their place in the family and it takes work from both of you but the dcs take priority and if its not improving their lives having him there then you owe it to them to reconsider the arrangement. You can always ask him to move out and just go back to dating. Nothing is permanent.

Original poster

Flojobunny · 24/12/2013 08:34

It would be very difficult to ask him to move out. He gave up his home, sold or freecycled a lot of his stuff and I think I would find it so difficult to readjust to being on my own especially at night. So I hope that's something I'll never have to do. I think I will sign him up for the parenting course, I've never asked but I know it will be something he'll be open to doing which is part of the reason I'm with him. That he's open to making this work whatever it takes. I just hope the novelty doesn't fade.

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 24/12/2013 11:44

Difficulty for him shouldn't be the deciding factor when it comes to your children. Lots of things that are the right thing are difficult. Please do not prioritise his comfort or yours iver what is right for your children. I have spent every night for the last 3.5 years alone and would love to have someone to share my bed with but that doesnt mean i should move someone in because their lease was up. He can get a new flat an new things- that really is only a very temporary and easily fixable problem- your children's emotional well being and ther faith in you to do the right thing for them will be a lot harder to fix if you damage it by putting him or you before them.

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