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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have shouted at this woman infront of DS?

92 replies

MrsDrRanj · 21/12/2013 10:26

In the supermarket with DS (21 months) yesterday. A woman walks past us and knocks into my buggy (she had plenty of room), looked at my DS who is mixed race and shouted about 'all these half breeds' and how 'there won't be any black people left'. She also had a little girl with her.

Usually I'd like to think of a clever dignified response, but this caught me by surprise and I shouted at her to get the fuck away from my son before I rip her face off and told her she needs help. I never swear infront of children and I feel quite ashamed that I did, but on the other hand I will always want my son to know that I will stand up for him and he should never have to accept racism.

I still feel quite upset to be honest, and wondering if I did the right thing.

OP posts:

2Tinsellytocare · 22/12/2013 06:55

You cant compare the two comments

Ninasaurus · 22/12/2013 07:06

Sorry you were wrong to threaten violence.

If it happens again I suggest you make a compliant straight away to customer service/ security and get them to call police on your behalf and press charges of racial harassment.

I'm sorry she said that to you and your ds

dozily · 22/12/2013 07:17

I think all of what you said was justified apart from "before I rip your face off"

But I guess you know that. Next time an equally forceful and angry reply (but minus the swearing and threats) would get your point across better and set a better example to your son and anyone else in earshot. (But hopefully there will never be a next time!)

Hohohowhatfuckeryitis · 22/12/2013 07:20

Think I would have punched her, so you did well. And swearing is more acceptable than racism.

frumpet · 22/12/2013 07:29

Well of course we should all walk around with utmost serenity even when faced with vile abuse . We should all rise above it and be the better person , keep the moral high ground etc . But then i am guessing that you are a human being and just occasionally you lose the plot , given the circumstances i think you did rather well keeping your hands to yourself .

minifingers · 22/12/2013 07:33

2 women I know have been verbally abused for having mixed race children, both by black women. One is black, has a white partner and very fair skinned children. Someone swore at her and made comments about the children in the street. The other one is white, young, and was on a bus with her three girls, one of whom has autism. The woman was incredibly nasty about her parenting - said that children raised by black mothers know how to behave, 'but you young white girls, you don't know how to parent. Black men shouldn't have children with women like you'.

Megglevache · 22/12/2013 08:11

I am really shocked at how many peopke think its ok to threaten violence in front of your own child as a response to this kind of ifnorance.

I really hope its just talking up.

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 08:37

The woman who said it was obviously horrible but "rip your face off" is a horribly inappropriate response. If that was your first, instinctive response I think you need to have a wee word with yourself. It's a very aggressive expression.

THE I don't think swearing was justified either. What she said was vile, but the response should have been"you are a stupid racist,"

ProfPlumSpeaking · 22/12/2013 08:51

How shocking that must have been for you and I can understand why you reacted as you did on gut instinct. BUT, as others have said, it is never acceptable to threaten violence and especially not in the presence of young children. It also never looks clever to swear and makes you look like the one in the wrong (when you most definitely are not). In the ideal world, you would have a pre prepared put down and possibly another strategy eg turn on the video camera on your phone and ask, in a very reasonable way, for her to repeat what she just said.

justtoomessy · 22/12/2013 09:03

My ex's family are racist and refer to mixed race children as niglets which left me utterly speechless and disgusted. They live in London so again very multi-cultural. So I am not surprised that your full faculties were not thinking and you resounded how you did. What a vile, vile woman.

I am so bloody glad that they have chosen to have nothing to do with my son as I would have no control of what was said in front of him. When I was with ex I challenged every awful racist thing they said and told them that if they carried on speaking like that in front of my son we would not visit.

So horrible for you x

womma · 22/12/2013 09:22

Jeez, my husband is mixed race and of course our daughters are. Just the thought that anyone could think, let alone say those things about any of them is horrific. Living in a really mixed area of SE London, you just don't expect it.

I'm not sure how I'd respond to that situation, but the suggestion about the frozen turkey upthread seems quite appropriate.

Never mind what you said to her, you were stunned by her awful comments. The important thing is you challenged her.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 22/12/2013 10:02

Unqualified applause from me: the children have learned that initial rudeness is harshly punished, and the racist cow has learned that a closed mouth gathers no fists.

BakeOLiteGirl · 22/12/2013 11:10

Hope you are ok. What an awful thing to have happened to you both.

Tubemole1 · 22/12/2013 11:27

yanbu.

perlona · 22/12/2013 16:44

yanbu, your reaction was instinctive, if only all obnoxious people received that reaction, we'd have a much more peaceful society because they wouldn't risk it. She was depending on you keeping your head down while she abused your son. Yelling and swearing in defence of your son is a far healthier response than staying silent, taking abuse, all and getting upset about it later. There's a huge security in knowing that your parents can and will protect and stand up for you. That's far more important than superficial manners.

Caitlin17 · 22/12/2013 18:15

2 wrongs don't make a right. The woman deserved to be challenged but using such an aggressive expression and swearing and shouting front of the children isn't right. Plus the racist moron probably thinks she now has the moral high ground.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 22/12/2013 18:23

YANBU for sure.

What a completely vile woman. It just shows you though that it's not always white people who are racist and it isn't always black people who get racially abused. It's disgusting that anyone has these kind of viewpoints when we are all ultimately the same but some more cuntish than others

I am glad your son isn't old enough to understand these kind of comments yet and I just pray that he learns to take these things in his stride and walk away, because he is better than any of these kinds. Easier said than done than others.

I think you reacted the exact same way as I would have done if in a similar circumstance - we naturally want to protect our children and those who we care for. If the same had been said about my cousins who are British/Spanish I would've ripped their heads off too.

I hope your son is unphased and you can hold your head up high, because you are the better woman.

Well, she isn't a woman but that's another matter...

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