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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have shouted at this woman infront of DS?

92 replies

MrsDrRanj · 21/12/2013 10:26

In the supermarket with DS (21 months) yesterday. A woman walks past us and knocks into my buggy (she had plenty of room), looked at my DS who is mixed race and shouted about 'all these half breeds' and how 'there won't be any black people left'. She also had a little girl with her.

Usually I'd like to think of a clever dignified response, but this caught me by surprise and I shouted at her to get the fuck away from my son before I rip her face off and told her she needs help. I never swear infront of children and I feel quite ashamed that I did, but on the other hand I will always want my son to know that I will stand up for him and he should never have to accept racism.

I still feel quite upset to be honest, and wondering if I did the right thing.

OP posts:
sillymillyb · 21/12/2013 10:40

Oh god you poor thing, I prob would have done the exact same thing (then worried about it afterwards!) it's instinctive how we react sometimes.

Maybe say to your ds that the lady was naughty so mummy shouted. I don't know what's his vocab / understanding is like, but my ds would prob be a bit weirded out by me shouting and want me to try explain it.

MrsGarlic · 21/12/2013 10:40

Oh my god what a vile woman (her, not you). Of course your response wasn't the best but I don't blame you in the slightest, I'd be shocked to hear that. I hope you are okay.

formerbabe · 21/12/2013 10:41

Can't believe some people on here think swearing is inappropriate....her child had just been racially abused. I think the woman who said it to her was lucky to walk away with her teeth still in her head and without police involvment

MrsGarlic · 21/12/2013 10:41

Just seen you live in a multicultural part of London, I do too and would never expect it. Surely that woman must see black, mixed-race and ethnic minority people EVERY SINGLE DAY?!

TerraNotSoFirma · 21/12/2013 10:43

I think you were incredibly restrained actually, I don't think a beating round the head with a frozen turkey would have been unreasonable.

spanishring · 21/12/2013 10:43

You had a perfectly normal reaction to someone verbally attacking your child. Don't waste a second more of your life feeling guilty or wondering if you did the right thing. Don't worry about her little girl either because in this situation you were in the right.

I would have done exactly the same.

Original poster
MrsDrRanj · 21/12/2013 10:44

Red yes she was black. I do believe (hope) it's a small minority that think like that. I've had a few dodgy comments regarding DS before but only from white people and in areas outside of London that are mostly if not all white.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/12/2013 10:45

Blimey, what a nasty vile woman.

I don't blame you for swearing but the trouble with threatening to rip her face off, is that if she had said "Well come on then, rip it"...you could have found yourself in the middle of a fight there and then.

Obviously that wouldn't have been your intention, but it's what could have happened.

Original poster
MrsDrRanj · 21/12/2013 10:49

worra that's true and I'm so glad it didn't come to that, shoutings one thing but id never forgive myself for having a punch up infront of my child! It just came out without me thinking about it

OP posts:
milk · 21/12/2013 10:50

YANBU! Good on you!

peppinagiro · 21/12/2013 10:51

You were totally justified! She's lucky she didn't get worse. What an absolutely despicable woman. Hopefuully your response gave her little girl something to think about too, before she starts copying that awful woman.

technicallychallenged · 21/12/2013 10:51

People are dicks sometimes. I have been in your situation many times with all 4 of my DCs and the first time it happened I did exactly the same as you , it's hard not to.
Afterwards I have had to think of a few responses to say back but sometimes it is still hard not to swear at the stupidity of people.
You should also try and think of some reassuring things to your DC because there is a chance someone will say something like that when your DS is older.

SauceForTheGander · 21/12/2013 10:59

I had a horrible altercation with another woman recently. This sort of thing just does not happen to me and she was with her 3 teenage DSs and I was with my 3DC. She accused me of doing something I had not done - and sneered and was very aggressive. I wish I had ignored her but instead told her I hadn't and the whole thing blew up with my pointing and telling her she was vile - and her telling my I was nothing and couldn't I deal with my DCs in sneers way. Looked me up and down and snorted.

She was middle aged, middle class and I've never come across such aggression. However what I'm left with is shame that I responded, that I upset my DS and most probably her's who looked l

SauceForTheGander · 21/12/2013 11:01

Upset and awkward.

So what I'm trying to say is I understand why you reacted. I did recently but it would have been better not to - the kids just don't need to be witness to adults behaving badly.

TheCrackFox · 21/12/2013 11:01

YANBU

Sometimes shouting and swearing is a reasoned response. Well done you.

JohnnyBarthes · 21/12/2013 11:02

By reacting as you did, you put yourself in danger. I'm sorry but that was bloody stupid. Understandable, but hugely irresponsible.

YABU

2Tinsellytocare · 21/12/2013 11:04

I went to a school where the girls were predominantly black and they used to call mixed race kids half breeds, Hadn't heard the disgusting expression again since this thread. YANBU you shouted in shock because what she said was shocking, you are human she was a total bitch

Wolfiefan · 21/12/2013 11:07

YWNBU to swear and be angry.
YWVVVU to threaten to "rip her face off".
Good job police weren't called.

I still can't believe people exist in the world who have such vile views of the world. I'm sure your DS is gorgeous. It's not colour that's important. It's the person. She's horrid.

Queenoftheworld · 21/12/2013 11:11

She will be on supermarket CCTV. You might want to raise it with the supermarket - if it forms a pattern they might ban her. The swearing will have had no lasting effect on the kids, trust me. They will hear much worse.

formerbabe · 21/12/2013 11:15

Yes I was going to say it might not be too late to involve the police, if the shop has CCTV? I would...

FeckOffCupofMulledWine · 21/12/2013 11:31

Not sure involving the police would be a great move for the OP when she physically threatened the other woman, no matter how justified it was she might find she also ends up in trouble.

Filakia · 21/12/2013 12:33

I understand why you screamed and swore at her, I would have been so very Angry Angry Angry in that situation.

However, for the sake of your son, you need to think of a few effective (if that's possible at all) replies for situations where people say racist things about your family.

Your ds is unfortunately likely to encounter some of this racism when he grows up and needs to learn to to handle himself confidently but not aggressively because that will land him in trouble Sad.

I am crap at coming up with a strong reply in situations where other people are so rude but others on mn can perhaps suggest a few replies which might come in handy.

Sorry that this happened to you!

AchyFox · 21/12/2013 12:52

Partner's X ?

quesadilla · 21/12/2013 12:53

YWNBU. As a general rule swearing at strangers, especially in front of your dcs, is to be avoided. But this woman deserved everything she got.

"Half breeds" indeed. The 19th century called and wants its uptight bigotry back.

WeeTeaJenny · 21/12/2013 13:00

My children are also mixed race and I would have been disgusted if someone said that to me and I think I would have reacted in a very similar way!! Maybe not the swearing but I would definitely have had something to say x