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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have shouted at this woman infront of DS?

92 replies

MrsDrRanj · 21/12/2013 10:26

In the supermarket with DS (21 months) yesterday. A woman walks past us and knocks into my buggy (she had plenty of room), looked at my DS who is mixed race and shouted about 'all these half breeds' and how 'there won't be any black people left'. She also had a little girl with her.

Usually I'd like to think of a clever dignified response, but this caught me by surprise and I shouted at her to get the fuck away from my son before I rip her face off and told her she needs help. I never swear infront of children and I feel quite ashamed that I did, but on the other hand I will always want my son to know that I will stand up for him and he should never have to accept racism.

I still feel quite upset to be honest, and wondering if I did the right thing.

OP posts:
Marylou2 · 21/12/2013 13:20

At least you didn't thump the bitch.She got off lightly. I'd still have forgiven you if you had. Hope she has a shitty Christmas and that you and your family have a lovely one!Grin .

2Tinsellytocare · 21/12/2013 13:20

Last time I looked racist comments were illegal too, lucky she didnt call the police my arse

Prozacbear · 21/12/2013 13:33

YANBU!

I'm mixed race and my (white) mother always had exactly your reaction to racism towards me - pretty much the only time she ever swore.

It taught me that you don't have to 'take it' and slink away - you have the right to respond. And I do, and would have exactly the same reaction of someone targeted DS.

Interestingly, I've experienced this type of racism from black people (in London) - it's comparatively rare, but does happen. I think, like racism from whites, it's born from fear ... And when I've had it from women, insecurity. Society marginalises black beauty (unless you're Alek Wek!) And primarily what you see is an anglicized version, so I think it's an extension of that. I digress!

OP, definitely not U!!

Prozacbear · 21/12/2013 13:35

And yes, it is illegal - get the cctv and call the police. I've done this (witnesses not cctv though) and LDN police helpful on the whole.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 21/12/2013 13:47

Inciting racial hatred in illegal, I don't think muttering to oneself qualifies.

YANBU to defend your child, but you already seem aware that this probably wasn't the best way to do it though it seemed to have really caught. Practice something along the lines of telling them that their opinion is hateful/bigotted as well as thinking of what you intend to say to your child when this happens (as what you say to them will be just as, even more important).

I've gotten this quite a bit actually, and am...well...surprised at the surprise. I actually avoid our local big park at certain times (and never go by myself) because I've had people purposefully sit in the same area of benches so they can intimidate me, talk loudly about how this whole area is being taken over by immigrants/how we're trying to destroy British values and there won't be any good White Brits left/how political correctness/catering to minorities is ruining the country/how they'd like to [violent action] to us and send us back to warn others from coming to the UK. We've had the EDL across the road, it was quite scary.

Defending is good, though you have to keep your safety in mind. Teaching kids how to navigate through can be even harder. Even with all the talks, the books, the buying in toys and media so they can feel represented, seeing what damage others can cause is heartbreaking, even more so when seeing how easy it is for things to become internalized (having DS last night question why the panto Jack was dark-skinned when all the books have him as light-skinned, and have him basically go on about how so many books and TV things and all his favourite popular shows have light skinned people, does that mean people like them better or are better at being in stories was both very eye opening into how he sees things and very upsetting). It's a difficult world they have to get through.

SanityClause · 21/12/2013 14:02

This is interesting, because DH was recently speaking to a client who was born in Jamaica. This man said that there was a lot more racism there than in London, and he felt that, for his children living in London, that racism was a thing of the past. He thought that his generation would be the last for whom racism is relevant.

I don't know if he is right, but it was interesting to hear his experiences and views.

2Tinsellytocare · 21/12/2013 14:30

It's a hate crime but OP would struggle to prove it as much as the other woman would struggle to prove OP threatened to rip her face off

womblesofwestminster · 21/12/2013 14:36

"there won't be any black people left"

I don't get it Confused

2Tinsellytocare · 21/12/2013 14:42

The OP is white with a mixed race child the woman who shouted was black

maparole · 21/12/2013 14:42

I used to live in a mainly black part of London and I did come across a fair few black women with a strange hang-up about "white girls stealing our men" Hmm.

OP: I think instinct just kicked in because you were so shocked. We all wish to be rational and reasonable at all times, but in extreme situations this can go out the window.

I really would not bother yourself about it any more.

I hope you are able to forget it; what a horrid experience Thanks

womblesofwestminster · 21/12/2013 14:48

The OP is white with a mixed race child the woman who shouted was black

Ahhh right. Thanks.

That wasn't mentioned in the OP.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 21/12/2013 14:51

Wombles - the foul woman was black

womma · 21/12/2013 15:30

Well done on saying something to her. To be honest, I wouldn't worry too much about swearing in front if two small children. If the child with the woman hears her mum (or granny or aunty or whatever) talking to or about people like that, you saying a bad word in front of her is the least of her problems.

Original poster
MrsDrRanj · 21/12/2013 16:05

Thank you all so much for your opinions & support

And prozac in particular thank you so much for your comment, it's interesting to hear things from what would be my sons point of view.

On reflection I think if this thing did happen again in the future god forbid, I'd like to have a few stern words bar the swearing and inform the appropriate authorities. I don't ever want my son to accept it as part of his life.

OP posts:
Megglevache · 21/12/2013 23:28

You told her you'd rip her face off?. Blimey that's a bit strong. I'd regret saying that. However I think I'd have found myself screeching and saying many a choice swear word yes.

She was vile. I would've been very upset by her comments.

AwfulMaureen · 21/12/2013 23:30

MrsRanj you did the right thing. NOBODY should get away with that sort of comment and your son needs to see himself defended. If you don't flag this as not ok...he may think it is.

sykadelic15 · 22/12/2013 00:13

I like to imagine I would have loudly shouted back "I can't believe you just called my child a half-breed" or some other offensive title so that other people looked over in shock and she was suitably mortified... and continued to rant (still loudly) about "racism in this county" and all that... though I think I'd be so shocked I would have most likely reacted exactly how you did.

What upsets me most about stuff like this is she had no issue saying it in front of the child AND an adult so it makes you wonder what's said out of your ear-shot and just to the children.

TeoandSophie · 22/12/2013 00:21

What an awful thing to go through. I am sorry that happened to you.

But..... It may be worth you having a think about how to handle a situation like that in the future, that will empower your child. I know that when I have shouted at someone before, defending my son, he was really scared to see me angry and shouting. It really affected him, and he didn't actually remember the other person at all. I'm not saying don't stand up for your family, but (unlike what I did too!) there is a way to do it with strength and still being a positive role model for your child.

TeoandSophie · 22/12/2013 00:25

I think what I took away from the experience I had - in seeing my
son's reaction afterwards (he is 3) is that in that moment I thought it was about the crazy lady. But it wasn't. So I shouted at her thinking it was the best way to defend my son and stand up for him. But it wasn't. He didn't need that at all. He needed me to explain to him why words made me so angry and to show him how I deal with my anger. I didn't do so well, but I hope I will next time.

lollerskates · 22/12/2013 00:30

Wow, that is incredible.

StElmo · 22/12/2013 00:34

Half breed? What the fuck?! I'd have picked up the nearest frozen turkey and planted it on her face. Nasty, bigoted bitch

Megglevache · 22/12/2013 01:05

StElmo...really? You would hit anyone who said that? In front of your child?

BrianTheMole · 22/12/2013 01:08

I can understand why you lost it. Not ideal, but completely understandable.

AutumnFire · 22/12/2013 02:09

We've had comments from SIL about our mixed-race DS, and how we should make sure he marries a black woman when he grows up so that the black doesn't get "diluted out" of the bloodline. Hmm

I asked her how she would feel if I had said the exact same thing about his white "bloodline". No reply forthcoming.

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2013 02:22

I shouted at her to get the fuck away from my son before I rip her face off and told her she needs help

Which is no better than what she said, really.

I will always want my son to know that I will stand up for him and he should never have to accept racism And you can do that without being abusive.