Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think bil and his fiancée are being rude

51 replies

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/12/2013 20:54

DH accidentally invited my family to ours for Christmas and upon hearing this mil invited theirs. After this, we spoke to everyone and said we would love to have everyone for dinner and they are welcome to stay for tea in the evening. Bil and fiancée said they weren't definitely sure what they were doing but would be at ours for either dinner or tea and would let us know nearer the time (this was in October).

Dh chased them so we knew what size turkey to order, eventually we find out from mil a couple of weeks ago that they are hosting their own Christmas with her family. Fair enough but I think they should have told us themselves.

It's our DS's first Christmas so we were planning a leisurely morning, with family coming over late morning (we have told everything this). Saw bil and his fiancée and she told we they are coming to ours first thing, I said it didn't work for us could they come over later. She said no, she and bil have decided its better for them if they come over first thing. I repeated it didn't work for us.

DH texted his brother earlier about something else and the subject of Christmas came up, dh reiterated that first thing didn't work for us and could they come later and got back a pa message saying they they will try and find time to drop off the presents before then but wouldn't see us over Christmas. Dh thinks we should back down and let them come over but I think they are being rude and we shouldn't have to fit around them.

Disclaimer, I may be being a little unreasonable as they have told the rest of the family that they didn't think I would cope with them too so that why they are not coming. We host a number of large parties/ dinner parties a year and I have been fine, including a surprise party when DS was 10 wks old.

Also, so not to drip feed, they both look down on me because I am not a manager and they both are, had a number of comments over the years and also she has made disparaging remarks about my appearance. Bil (when v drunk) once told me she makes the comments because she is jealous I am thinner then her as her goal is to be the same size as me. I struggle with my confidence and their comments have really affected me so I don't feel like I owe them any favours iyswim.

Well done if you managed to read all that!

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 20/12/2013 20:56

they are BU thinking they can dictate when they come. and rude not to confirm their plans earlier. ignore them.

Icelollycraving · 20/12/2013 20:59

I strongly suspect if you stick to your guns,they will back down. Could they come over on Xmas eve for drinks?

Oldraver · 20/12/2013 20:59

Stick to your plans and heave a sigh of relief if they cant make it to yours

gleekster · 20/12/2013 21:00

You do know they are going to just turn up early Christmas morning don't you?

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 21:00

Um. YABU and actually quite nasty. You have quite a brass neck to complain about nasty comments then come out with what you've just written.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 20/12/2013 21:02

Do not back down. They were rude not to confirm earlier and that text sounds like they're trying to emotionally blackmail you, eg, if you don't do as we want then you won't get your pressies.

Original poster
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/12/2013 21:03

Thanks for your replies.

Please could you elaborate SeaSickSal on why you feel I'm nasty.

OP posts:
MunchMunch · 20/12/2013 21:03

I think you both need to compromise a bit, morning doesn't work for you but does for her, vice versa regarding the afternoon so maybe they come to you or you to them the day before or day after?

Take no notice of the job position sneering but to help your confidence could you take her envy of your figure as a compliment?

Original poster
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/12/2013 21:04

gleekster I wouldn't be surprised.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/12/2013 21:14

MunchMunch the more reasonable part of me thinks that but they have said that they have plans on christmas eve/boxing day.

I am trying to hold on to the fact that some of the comments may stem from her own insecurity but the looking me up and down and sneering and comments really affect me. A few of our friends have pulled me aside afterwards as they have said they were shocked by her behaviour and wanted to make sure I was okay.

OP posts:
ilovecolinfirth · 20/12/2013 21:21

Why doesn't it suit you for you that they pop over early? Are you going to church in the morning?

Ruffcat · 20/12/2013 21:23

I don't think they are being rude, they don't want to come in the evening, you don't want then first thing, so the days before surely is a compromise

CranberrySaucyJack · 20/12/2013 21:27

They've obviously had a better offer for the afternoon and evening, so are offering you a morning visit or none at all.

Straight to the point maybe, but not especially rude.

Original poster
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/12/2013 21:28

ilovecolinfirth we just want to have the first part of the day just the three of us and open DS's stocking before the craziness starts. It's going to be a full house and DH feels that we won't be able DS will be getting passed round a lot so wants to have some quality time with him first.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 20/12/2013 21:28

Why doesn't it suit you for you that they pop over early? Are you going to church in the morning?

Confused

Is church really the only reason why you wouldn;t someone to turn up first thing Xmas morning when you're hosting the rest of the family for Xmas lunch and tea?!

Really?!

First thing Christmas morning I'm slobbing around in my jim-jams admiring DS's stocking present and cooking a leisurely breakfast. DO i really have to justify why I don;t want visitors?

Kewcumber · 20/12/2013 21:31

They are being rude that they didn't confirm whether or not they were coming for Xmas lunch but maybe they just forgot the offer as it was made in October.

They aren;t being rude for having other plans.

They are being massively rude for insisting on coming first thing in the morning when you don;t want them to.

If it were one of my family and timings didn;t work we'd just say "never mind how about after Xmas sometime?!" We're seeing my SIL and neices on New YEars eve this year.

Shellywelly1973 · 20/12/2013 21:32

Yanbu...I think its very rude nit to answer an invitation & then to tell you they are coming to your house early Christmas morning.

Seriously... they are taking the piss!!

Shellywelly1973 · 20/12/2013 21:33

Nit? Not!

CranberrySaucyJack · 20/12/2013 21:35

They are not insisting on coming Christmas morning tho- they've already told you that they'll give it a miss and drop off the presents another time.

What's the issue with that?

They don't want to be there, and you clearly don't want them to come anyway. Problem solved.

Original poster
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/12/2013 21:36

I think the bit that irkes me is that they told us that what they are doing, rather then asked iyswim. We had invited them for dinner and/or tea and rather then say that no longer worked for them, could they come over earlier. (Totally understand that plans change and they have every right to have the christmas they want). They just said that they would be over first thing, even when we said it didn't work for us.

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 21:41

Because you're being a total hypocrite. You're saying 'Oh I think that they think horrible things about me therefore I'm justified in being nasty to them'. But then you go on to say horrible things about her figure and how she's jealous of you. Do you not see that if you think it's out of order for them to be snotty with you because you're not a manager then you being snotty with her because you're thinner is just as bad?

To be honest it sounds like you are both as bad as each other. I think it's a shame your husband is not going to see his brother at Christmas because you and your SIL can't get along. Can't he visit without her?

SugarCaneShortCake · 20/12/2013 21:41

If you think that they will be over early anyway, be ready for them. Be gorgeous in your Christmas Day finery, fully made up, radiantly calm. That will piss her off, if she thinks she will catch you in your pjs. If they don't turn up, you will look fabulous in the present-opening photographs. Xmas Grin

TheCatThatSmiled · 20/12/2013 21:44

SeaSick are you the SIL?

IneedAsockamnesty · 20/12/2013 21:45

Seasick.

Your just a whole barrel of fun aren't you.

Why's it nasty to expect guests to stick approximately to the general time of an invitation?

TheCatThatSmiled · 20/12/2013 21:48

It's rude not to inform people that you are not coming
It's rude to just inform people when you will be coming to their home.
It's even ruder to try and insist on it.
And to just turn up would be beyond the pale.

Your differences aside, YANBU.

If the doorbell rings before 12 - ignore it.