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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think bil and his fiancée are being rude

51 replies

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/12/2013 20:54

DH accidentally invited my family to ours for Christmas and upon hearing this mil invited theirs. After this, we spoke to everyone and said we would love to have everyone for dinner and they are welcome to stay for tea in the evening. Bil and fiancée said they weren't definitely sure what they were doing but would be at ours for either dinner or tea and would let us know nearer the time (this was in October).

Dh chased them so we knew what size turkey to order, eventually we find out from mil a couple of weeks ago that they are hosting their own Christmas with her family. Fair enough but I think they should have told us themselves.

It's our DS's first Christmas so we were planning a leisurely morning, with family coming over late morning (we have told everything this). Saw bil and his fiancée and she told we they are coming to ours first thing, I said it didn't work for us could they come over later. She said no, she and bil have decided its better for them if they come over first thing. I repeated it didn't work for us.

DH texted his brother earlier about something else and the subject of Christmas came up, dh reiterated that first thing didn't work for us and could they come later and got back a pa message saying they they will try and find time to drop off the presents before then but wouldn't see us over Christmas. Dh thinks we should back down and let them come over but I think they are being rude and we shouldn't have to fit around them.

Disclaimer, I may be being a little unreasonable as they have told the rest of the family that they didn't think I would cope with them too so that why they are not coming. We host a number of large parties/ dinner parties a year and I have been fine, including a surprise party when DS was 10 wks old.

Also, so not to drip feed, they both look down on me because I am not a manager and they both are, had a number of comments over the years and also she has made disparaging remarks about my appearance. Bil (when v drunk) once told me she makes the comments because she is jealous I am thinner then her as her goal is to be the same size as me. I struggle with my confidence and their comments have really affected me so I don't feel like I owe them any favours iyswim.

Well done if you managed to read all that!

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 21:50

No. Grin But come on, the OP doesn't exactly cover herself with glory with those comments does she?

TheCatThatSmiled · 20/12/2013 21:55

She's being honest about her insecurities, and how bitchy comments affect her, and to be honest BIL & F sound like a pair of stuck up entitled twats :)

PumpkinPositive · 20/12/2013 21:55

But come on, the OP doesn't exactly cover herself with glory with those comments does she?

Can't see anything unsavoury in her post. Think it's just you.

I'd be tempted to find God on Xmas morning. Go to the local service and leave them on the doorstep (should they just decide to pop by anyway).

TheCatThatSmiled · 20/12/2013 21:55

Sorry I meant rude, stuck up, entitled twats

neunundneunzigluftballons · 20/12/2013 21:56

Seasick girl it was the woman's husband who made the comment over her not being happy with her figure. The op reported it, not the same thing as bitching at the woman's expense IMO. OP I would stick to my guns mainly because I have learned over the years that you can end up doing everything to please extended family at Christmas only to realise that it has all been done at the expense of your children. Your son could do with a leisurely start to a busy day give it to him.

Original poster
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/12/2013 21:58

Seasick I don't have a problem with her appearance, I actually have more of a problem with mine. As I said a very drunk bil (her fiancée) said to me she only comments about my appearance due to her own insecurities, her goal is to be the same dress size as me. I did not bring up the comments, it came out of the blue when he was very drunk and I was giving him and DH a lift home.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/12/2013 22:05

Anyway, thank you all for your comments, I think I was being a bit unreasonable as I would normally be more accommodating if I was asked rather then told. I think we will see if we can make a compromise on time, if they can come a bit later but still a bit earlier then originally planned.

Thanks for taking the trouble to talk it through with me, I feel much better for having talked about it Xmas Smile

OP posts:
BlueStonesBells · 20/12/2013 22:11

Seasick, I read the OP again and I can't see any mean comments about the SIL's figure? Yes, OP said that she is slimmer than SIL, but how is that mean?

Anyways OP, I know what you mean about being TOLD - it automatically makes me dig my heels in Grin

cjel · 20/12/2013 22:18

I think I'd ask what time they are planning on coming over and work round it. perhaps they can come late morning and it will run in to when you would have others turn up any way?

To be honest I go the feeling from your OP that if it was someone else asking you would be more accommodating. Its christmas a couple of hours won't make any difference.

CaptainTripps · 20/12/2013 22:38

They are being so unreasonable.

Whoever asked you if you are going to church and whether this is why you will not be wanting visitors in the morning is being unreasonable.

Seasick is - well weird, frankly. What on earth is she on about?

Ignore the doorbell if it rings Xmas morning.

girlywhirly · 21/12/2013 16:12

I've just re-read the original post. Upon finding out that Secrets family were invited for Christmas, MIL invited herself and her family over too. BIL and fiancee dithered over whether they were coming, and DH only found out what they were doing by talking to MIL. YANBU.

They do not get to dictate when they come to your home, even if it is the only time on Christmas that they can fit it in. Unbelievable cheek.

I would make sure that they know that the rest of the guests are coming at xxo'clock, and before that you and DH and DS are having quiet family time which the other guests are respecting.

Frankly the only reason DH might not see his DB is because of his fiancee's lack of manners. What on earth must she be like to work with?

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 21/12/2013 19:37

Answer the door naked if they do show up.

Idreamofsunshine · 21/12/2013 20:24

YANBU. I either wouldn't open the door on CHristmas morning or I'd stand on the doorstep and not let them in.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 21/12/2013 21:55

no you must set boundaries and stick to them otherwise they will know they can winkle you round...

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 21/12/2013 21:57

Op everyone has told you apart from one, that they are being rude, do not open the door if they turn up, do you really care if you dont see them at xmas?

EBearhug · 21/12/2013 22:16

I'd stick with what suits me - chances are that even if you backed down, they'll turn round and say, "no, we've decided we can't do it now, as it was awkward for you, so we have other plans now." And you don't want to set a precedent of giving way to them.

cjel · 22/12/2013 08:42

Its christmas, welcome them into your home and rest with your dc on boxing day. Why would you want to be stubborn just to make a point? DH wants to see them just go with the flow and show a bit of christmas love. YOu can do all you 'making a stand' another day.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 22/12/2013 09:24

Christmas love doesn't mean being a doormat for your family.

LucyLasticKnickers · 22/12/2013 09:32

why cant they just pop over in the morning? what wil you be doing? are they coming over to drop rpesents off.

just carry on with what you are normally doing at that time, dont stand on ceremony, but have them round and make trhem a coffee , if you have time.

LucyLasticKnickers · 22/12/2013 09:33

i t hink you are being a bit unreasonable and unbending as are they.

maddy68 · 22/12/2013 10:12

Just say. Will be lovely to see you on Xmas day. You are. Welcome anytime after ....... Look forward to seeing you x

Kewcumber · 22/12/2013 10:13

If I'm catering for lunch and tea for the rest of the family I would want a couple of hours to mysef with my children... wouldn;t you?

They have invited them around at 11ish, the rest of the day seems jam packed with people.

bellasuewow · 22/12/2013 11:00

Sea sick sal, merry christmas.....geeez

cjel · 22/12/2013 11:03

Yes maybe I would , but as my family descend on christmas eve I still think that you can say as Maddy says - come after 11 and you still get good time to be on your own.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 22/12/2013 11:50

The couple in question have done nothing to accommodate the OP - even down to bothering to tell her they weren't coming for dinner! I bet they could just as easily squeeze in a visit on Xmas eve or Boxing day, as the OP could squeeze them in on Xmas day morning. Why are their plans the most important?
There are so many threads on Mumsnet at the moment about Christmas plans, it's a wonder we make it to the end of the holiday with our sanity intact.