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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely, what is unreasonable.

57 replies

Slatecross · 20/12/2013 20:40

We are invited to a Boxing Day party. It's in the evening so no kids, at a friend's house. The friend is pregnant, and by her own admission a bit tense, especially on all things "health". My DP smokes, heavily. He would of course go outside but the friend has indicated to a mutual mate that she cannot bear smoking of any kind, and even if people go outside she can still smell it. She doesn't want smoking in the garden either, which leaves rather a yomp down the drive.
DP is like the antichrist without tabs, and I think will be extra tense and make us leave early. I can't decide who is being unreasonable - he's nearly 50 and can do what he wants, but it's her house!
Who is BU, if anyone?

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 20/12/2013 20:43

Doesn't sound like it's going to be much fun for anyone.

Are you chums enough to get an honest answer if you ask her directly how she feels? It may be that mutual pal has misunderstood. Ask her and take it from there

FudgefaceMcZ · 20/12/2013 20:44

I don't know but I want to know what a yomp is?

phantomnamechanger · 20/12/2013 20:44

he is - its her house/garden and she is pg and does not like the smell. either don't go or leave early if he really cant cope without a fag.

phantomnamechanger · 20/12/2013 20:44

yomp = trek, long walk

shazbean · 20/12/2013 20:44

No one!!
If he cannot bear not to smoke then he shouldn't attend.
Totally different if it was the other way around and she was coming to yours, then she would either have to put up or not attend. That's life.

NynaevesSister · 20/12/2013 20:45

No one is. I was like that when pregnant even the smell on clothes made me ill. You are around this all the time but. Honestly the smoke gets everywhere. Especially if they are only just outside the door.

She is hosting, and really do you want to go somewhere an do something that is going to make her feel ill all night?

ShimmeringInTheSun · 20/12/2013 20:45

A 'yomp' is a forced or fast march on foot, I think.

dyslexicdespot · 20/12/2013 20:46

I agree with phantom, he could always decline the invite.

TheAwfulDaughter · 20/12/2013 20:48

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cluecu · 20/12/2013 20:48

Yep, I agree with Shaz. I can see your husband's point of view and I have family members who would also struggle with not being able to smoke at all for the night. However, it is her house and at least she has mentioned if beforehand so you can decide on if to still go, or at least he can stock up on Nicorette etc?

bionic77 · 20/12/2013 20:48

Does he smoke on your home? If so there is a good chance your clothes are going to smell of smoke too Hmm

Sparklingbrook · 20/12/2013 20:49

Could he not smoke for a couple of hours? What does he do when he goes on a plane?

FetaCheeny · 20/12/2013 20:50

She is being unreasonable! Don't invite someone round if you don't want to make them feel welcome.

letsgotostonehenge · 20/12/2013 20:52

awful bit strong ...Hmm

Lucylouby · 20/12/2013 20:54

It's her home, so no smoking in the house. If she doesn't want you smoking at all on her property I guess that's up to her too. Im not sure what she will do if she can smell it on him after he has walked down the drive for a fag though? Refuse him entry to the party?
When I was pg, mints used to make me sick. I couldn't eat them, brush my teeth with normal toothpaste and even someone else nearby chewing gum would actually make me vomit. It was a really awkward sometimes. (Are you ok? no, i can smell your mint, i think the smell is going to make me throw up... im normally quite normal, honestly!). But I know how your hostess might feel with regards the smoking thing. Her sense of smell may be really keen with all the pg hormones running round her body.

If your DH doesn't want to go as he will be to tense, maybe he shouldn't go to the party?

Original poster
Slatecross · 20/12/2013 21:02

Hmmm. I can see both sides too. His plan is we go on time but then leave and go to his mate's pub round the corner if it gets too much. I said he should just have one before we arrive and then run off down the drive if he needs one and avoid her for half an hour or so till it's off his breath. He smokes at home hanging out of an attic window, or in his specially constructed fumidoria shed but never in front of me.
If she made a fuss about it (which she's entitled to do) he would faint I think - he's v shy.

Awful you're so right. I'll LTB at first light. Hmm

OP posts:
NicknameIncomplete · 20/12/2013 21:11

Everyone who comes to my home know that i dont allow smoking in my home. I am one of the only members of my family who dont smoke and not once has anyone made a fuss about it.

Your husband is being unreasonable.

Original poster
Slatecross · 20/12/2013 21:14

If we came to you could he have a fag outside?

OP posts:
TheMuppetsSingChristmas · 20/12/2013 21:15

Staying outside for half an hour won't help. His clothes will still stink. It's probably best all round if you go by yourself tbh. Is he's a heavy daily smoker he will smell even if he hasn't had a cigarette that day, frankly. I can smell smokers at a distance - they just don't realise how pervasive and long lasting it is.

MissWinter01 · 20/12/2013 21:18

I think your friend is being a bit unreasonable. I don't allow smoking in my house, never will but if I'm throwing a party or even just have a friend who I know smokes they are more than welcome to smoke in the Garden as long as they put the end in the bin (can't be doing with a cigarette butt hunt lol)

x

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/12/2013 21:18

I prefer people not to smoke at all when they come here.

BIL I don't mind because he will have 2 puffs and then wait outdoors for ten minutes. He doesn't smoke indoors ever, so his clothes and hair don't smell at all.

When I was pregnant I could smell cigarette smoke a mile away and it made me retch. Don't forget that she will have pregnant super-nose so will get even the merest whiff from the garden.

RunRunRuby · 20/12/2013 21:24

I think your husband is being unreasonable, or would be if he didn't respect her request.

I'm asthmatic, specifically triggered by cigarette smoke. I have had an asthma attack from sitting in a car next to a heavy smoker, I think she'd had a cigarette just before getting in. It was embarrassing but nothing I can do. Thankfully I don't actually know anyone who smokes so not a problem but I'd ask guests not to smoke inside or just outside the door, and really I'd prefer it if they didn't smoke at all while visiting me!

RunRunRuby · 20/12/2013 21:26

Oops when I say thankfully I don't know any smokers it's not that I hate them or anything, just that it avoids the awkwardness/embarrassment that my asthma causes with smokers Blush

KongKickeroo · 20/12/2013 21:32

In your situation I'd either go alone, or go together for a short time (letting your friend know in advance that you can only stay for an hour or whatever, with some excuse), or just decline altogether.

I don't think either of them are being unreasonable. They're just incompatible right now!

LtEveDallas · 20/12/2013 21:35

Will there be drinking, or is it also a teetotal party?

Without a drink I wouldn't be that bothered about not smoking, but with a drink? Forget it, I'd rather be at the pub!

I understand no smoking inside of course, but no smoking outside is a little fierce. If I was him I wouldn't go, you could meet him at the pub later maybe?