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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely, what is unreasonable.

57 replies

Slatecross · 20/12/2013 20:40

We are invited to a Boxing Day party. It's in the evening so no kids, at a friend's house. The friend is pregnant, and by her own admission a bit tense, especially on all things "health". My DP smokes, heavily. He would of course go outside but the friend has indicated to a mutual mate that she cannot bear smoking of any kind, and even if people go outside she can still smell it. She doesn't want smoking in the garden either, which leaves rather a yomp down the drive.
DP is like the antichrist without tabs, and I think will be extra tense and make us leave early. I can't decide who is being unreasonable - he's nearly 50 and can do what he wants, but it's her house!
Who is BU, if anyone?

OP posts:
Garcia10 · 20/12/2013 21:38

Can your DH not use some kind of nicotine replacement for the party? My husband is a smoker and takes Niquitin tablets when he is at work as he isn't allowed to smoke on the premises.

HyvaPaiva · 20/12/2013 21:44

The bit that bothered me was 'DP is like the antichrist without tabs': a lack of cigarettes isn't what causes any 'antichrist' behaviours, addicted or otherwise. He's just being unreasonable.

TheAwfulDaughter · 20/12/2013 21:49

This reply has been deleted

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Nanny0gg · 20/12/2013 21:49

If it's the smell that makes her ill, best he doesn't go at all as he will stink (sorry).
The smell will be all over his clothes and oozing from his pores (especially following your suggestion of having one before he goes into the house.)
There is no way it won't affect your friend.

FannyFifer · 20/12/2013 21:50

Would he not just gets electronic cigarette and smoke that for the evening, they are pretty good and no smell.

MerryBuddha · 20/12/2013 22:04

Does your friend know your husband smokes!
As the hostess I think it was up to her to make you aware that she doesn't have smoking in the house or garden. But as she may have failed to do this, why don't you just phone her and ask?

If she refuses to have people who smoke or who have smoked recently in her house or garden(which she is entitled too). I think your plan to go for a while then go on somewhere else is except able, if you can forewarn her of this plan, that would be even better.

Feel sorry for you Op, what a should of been a straightforward jolly night out, has turned complicated!! You never know, she might not mind your Dh smoking outside and therefore problem solved.

Phone her!

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 22:07

Why not just speak to her and ask what she'd want your hubby to do about smoking?

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2013 22:10

If she's that tense, the party's going to be a bundle of laughs.

What's she going to do about all the smokers who turn up, having just put one out on the way in?

What if she decides she can't stand the smell of whisky but doesn't mind the smell of beer?

God forbid anyone should have had a curry for tea.

Let him 'yomp' down the drive and then yomp back in again, avoiding the party host.

misskatamari · 20/12/2013 22:13

Your husbands plan seems reasonable tho - go and if he finds it too much go to his friends round the corner. Couldn't you then either go with him if you wanted or decide to stay on at the party and meet him later?

LaurieFairyCake · 20/12/2013 22:14

I dislike the smell of smoke as much as the next person

But I dislike bad manners more

When did it become acceptable to have a party where you dictate what your guests do? Hmm

Original poster
Slatecross · 20/12/2013 22:32

He's fine on planes etc it's when he has a drink. And he and the hostess , although they rub along, are very different so he's not even that keen!
I wouldn't call her about it as she is far too polite to say anything directly but apparently made a huge sing and dance about smoking even on the drive, when she spoke to the mutual friend. (I'm suspicious that that was the plan - it'd get back to us!)

It's putting me off the whole thing now! I don't want to go alone and I don't want DP sitting there all grumpy! Gah!

OP posts:
PlentyOfPubeGardens · 20/12/2013 22:33

E cig. No smoke, no smell, no 2nd or 3rd hand toxins.

NJoy are supposed to be pretty good for the cig-alike sort you can buy in a newsagent. You never know, if he gets on with it he might decide to switch to vaping completely (in which case, send him over to the vaping thread) Xmas Smile

Two months ago I'd have felt exactly like your DP. I think especially if you're a bit shy, not smoking for that length of time at a social occasion can be really tough. I wouldn't have stayed long.

AChristmassyJerseySpud · 20/12/2013 22:41

Oh god i think i just found my new favourite word

Yomp

Original poster
Slatecross · 20/12/2013 22:41

He had an electric cigarette but it went through the washer and was never the same. To be honest I think she would flip even at that, such is her anti-smoking fervour. DP has just looked at the invitation - it says to bring whatever we want to drink but they'll be providing mulled wine. That did it for DP - he said "we have to take our own drinks? Are we just going over for a sandwich then?" Grin I predict we'll be in the Red Lion in under 90 mins from arrival!

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 20/12/2013 22:41

"He doesn't smoke indoors ever, so his clothes and hair don't smell at all"

Honestly, to people who don't smoke, or don't live with smokers, he does. It's impossible not to. That's not meant to be a dig, it's just a fact of life; smokers smell, to those who don't live around the smell all the time. If she is pregnant, her olfactory organs are probably hyper sensitive as well as her being hyper about being exposed to smoke.

Surely if he has a drink, he'll be fine, same as on a plane?

MerryBuddha · 20/12/2013 22:42

In that case, I would ignore the grape vine and go ahead with your DP smoking in the garden or drive.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 20/12/2013 22:45

Oh well she sounds like a bit of a wanker then. Go to the pub instead Smile

Original poster
Slatecross · 20/12/2013 22:47

Nah , she's ace. She's just v different to DP and to me I suppose.

OP posts:
FetaCheeny · 20/12/2013 22:49

Not all smokers smell. I have smoker friends that only smoke outside, wash coat/gloves etc very regularly and I can only smell it just after they've had one. Other people wreak to high heaven!

OP, I would be going to the pub if I were you, I don't think you'll miss much!

maddening · 20/12/2013 22:52

tell him to take a coat with a hood and chewing gum, yomp it will have to be for each fag - poss take nicotine gum?

Mim78 · 20/12/2013 22:52

It sounds a bit of a bad plan to have a party if sh feels that bad, but up to her.

It think you dp should either just not go or be clear he will be leaving after a short time as has another engagement (I.e the pub but no need to spell it out!)

SabraCadabra · 20/12/2013 22:53

Isnt yomp a military word? Long yomps over the moors with an egg banjo at the finish.

youretoastmildred · 20/12/2013 23:00

OMG I went to that vaping thread and I am obsessed
I haven't had a fag for well over 10 years but I want to vape. So badly. tell me not to

OneUp · 20/12/2013 23:50

I don't think she's being U. If it was my house, I wouldn't want people to smoke in the garden either, the smell always seems to make it's way in and it stinks.

BeCool · 20/12/2013 23:51

OP your H will have a miserable time either go without him or don't go.