AIBU think that charity gifts should only be given if that's what the addressee whishes?

[WidowWadman]

I mean goats and such like. Doesn't it just convey the message of "I couldn't be arsed to buy you something you might like, so here's the receipt for that charity donation I made to make myself feel better"?

I can see both sides.

On balance, I agree with those saying that charity gifts are great but should be requested in lieu of your own presents rather than given in lieu of someone else's.

I am getting a charity gift from my mum and grandparents this year because they have been asking me what I want for weeks and I have ummed, ahhed and racked my brains but failed to come up with anything. So I asked for the charity gifts. I'm still buying them presents though, that's a very different case.

I am becoming more and more bah humbug about Christmas though. To the point that I actually came home and cried after doing my Christmas shopping last Saturday. I spent so much money (and we don't spend much in my family - I'm talking £5-£10 per person) on a load of stuff that 30 other people neither need or probably even want very much. 30 other people have bought me presents I neither need and may not want. Why do we do this? It's so pointless! 1 decent present and some money to those who really need it would be so much better and more in the spirit of Christmas.

YANBU. I think it's a lovely gift if it is want the 'recipient' wants but I find a lot of stuff along the same lines where people essentially want to, at best, give to the charity of their choice or to appear charitable with very little contribution from themselves.

Recent examples that spring to mind:

1. Recently, following a very difficult period at work with a very heavy workload one of our bosses gave our team some money to buy some drinks on a night out (a very rare treat!). One of the girls piped up in front of the boss, that she thought it would be a lovely gesture if we gave the money to [her choice of] charity instead. Obviously, no one else felt that they could say "no, I want my drink" in front of the boss and look mean/uncharitable but she was the one who got to a) choose the charity (which wouldn't have been my choice) and b) look virtuous and get the credit for raising this whole sum of money when she had only contributed a few quid.
2. At my work, there is also a tradition that the birthday boy/girl buys cakes for everyone in the office. Obviously, as we all have a birthday, we all have to fork out for the cakes and all get the opportunity to partake in the goodies when it is someone else's birthday. When it was one of the guys' birthdays, he sent an email round to the whole section announcing that he thought it would be a nice gesture if everyone donated a pound for their cake to raise money for [his choice of] charity. He didn't contribute a penny above what was expected in terms of the birthday cake tradition but, again, made himself look virtuous (copying the senior managers into his e-mail, of course), while everyone else was expected to contribute to his charity in order to eat the usual birthday cakes.
3. A group of people I work with are enthusiastic charity fun-runners who are (to put it mildly) very forthright about getting you to sponsor them. They are taking part in a hobby they enjoy and find the 5k-10k runs motivating/enjoyable as a target to work for ie it is not a sacrifice for them to do (and they actually save money by taking part in such a cheap sport with no hall hire fees etc.) All the money comes from other people who don't get to choose the charity but they wring every bit of glory/kudos with senior managers/slots in the company magazine that they can for it.
4. Another work-based fund-raising endeavour (which is possibly a bit too specific for me to detail without me outing myself to any co-workers reading) has resulted in another self-congratulatory group e-mail saying how they have raised enough money to take x amount of stuff out to Africa and specifically mentioning people who will be flying out to deliver the goods and see the results of 'their' contributions - Now, as this isn't organised by my specific team, I'm not sure if they are company employees who are flying out (and I don't know for sure whether the flights to deliver the goods are paid for out of the money raised) but this doesn't sound like the most cost effective way to deliver aid. And don't even get me started on the 'sponsor me to cycle across China, oh and pay for my holiday at the same time' people....

Now I'm not against charity (which is always the allegation and the thing you risk getting accused of if you ever challenge or don't go along with these people) but I like to give my own money to my own choice of causes and I've come to the realisation that some of these people not only don't respect this in their fund-raising quest but, in some cases, are probably quite cynical people who just see charity as a way to promote themselves and their own interests.

I don't consider these gifts. They're charity donations. Which is absolutely great, but why pretend they're gifts to a 3rd party?

I got an alpaca one a while back, it had a fridge magnet with a photo of the alpaca (prob not the same one) and it was feckin awesome thanks very much. Also my mum asked for ones for this water aid thing (I don't know name, not oxfam which is where the goats are from). I would give them for people if they wanted one but also if they were greedy arses wrt asking for presents (wedding presents especially) because people who are richer than me demanding that I spend money on them pisses me off. I don't think that's in any way unreasonable actually- a nice person would like the present anyway, and a dickhead will not like it so that's good.

Ugh ugh ugh. Do not ever give to a charity on my behalf. Do not ever tell me about your charitable giving. Do not provide bank statements showing your £5 a month to Oxfam and your £10 a month to Cancer Research UK.

Just so fucking gauche.

The only time I've given one was a wedding present for a couple both very well off, second marriage for both of them, who had stipulated no presents.

CAF used to do charity vouchers, which could be paid to any registered charity, and I liked giving those - most people I was getting presents for were better off than I was, so unless I knew they particularly wanted a certain book or something, I was happier to give them charity vouchers - and they could give it to a charity of their choice.

But CAF only does online payments now, and saying, "If you let me know which charity you'd like to support, I'll make a payment to it," just isn't the same.

I have been to a couple of weddings where they asked for donations to a particular charity - I was happy to do that. Happier than buying a couple of ridiculously expensive plates or something, actually.

The idea of a gift is to make the recipient feel good. Not to sit back in your smugness and make yourself look good. If the recipient prefers charity gifts, then go right ahead. But if you're doing it because it is your pet charity, or you think that christmas is too materialistic and everyone should be donating or for any other reason other than "the recipient would think this is a great gift" then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

Sounds like the message it is meant to portray is they think you are grabby, OP. :p Are you grabby?

I did once give a charity donation to a friend for something. There was a particular reason behind it, though. I can't remember what that was, but there was one. I did choose a charity she'd like rather than one I'd like.

All my friends and family live in developed, western countries, mostly America and England. They do not know poverty, starvation, being too cold or too hot etc. They have ipads, laptops, jobs, disposable money for holidays and coffee breaks etc. They do not need anything.

I have given someone a goat in the past, and books for a school in Africa, and money to charity.

I don't care what you think of me, if you think I'm 'ooh look at me trying to be nice' or whatever. I have volunteered in developing countries and I have seen first hand what donations can do for a child, a family or a community.

And of course, I do not need for anything either. Id be more than thrilled for someone to donate to charity instead of giving me a present. I don't need a present. I don't really need anything! I'm pretty happy with my old laptop and faulty phone.

I have discussed the idea of wedding gifts with my dp and I have firmly stated I would hate to ask for gifts, and instead ask for guests to give to a charity. We don't need anything, we are adults with a house and that house is already full of pans and towels and whatnot!

BIL and his GF have given me some spectacularly shite presents in the past. It's more the fact that they are thoughtless, I'd rather no present at all than an obvious afterthought!

Last year was a particular low point. DH and I received a joint present of....an adopt a polar bear gift tin. Frankly, I'd rather the money went on a goat or toilets in Africa as at least some money might have gone to charity. I had a look on the back of the tin and they promise to give 50p or something. I should stress that neither DH or I have ever expressed a particular interest in anything polar bear related....

On the plus side, we just took it straight to.the charity shop so at least someone might have benefited.

Also, whilst we.don't give to receive, we got him a nice cashmere jumper and her some white company bits. They're on.the same income as us but MIL thinks they're infinitely more successful as they live in LONDON (or what I call Richmond) and buy things for the brand name rather than whether they're actually any good Straying into a whole other thread there..

I'd appreciate it. My family is not wealthy but comfortable, we have everything that we need and lots of things that we don't. We're extremely fortunate, if someone wished to donate a goat on my behalf to people who are not so fortunate, I think that would be great.

As long as they use it for milk or something. I don't want them eating my goat. :)

I think it's ok as long as the charity gift is appropriate for the person it's bought for.

I'd be fine about any human charity but very about something for an animal charity.

I'd be delighted if someone bought me a goat - genuinely. I rarely actually want the presents that people give me anyway, so it would be nice to think of someone getting something that would really make a difference to their lives.

I have given a charity gift before, and I hope it was well received. It was to one of dd's teachers. She was just amazing, and incredibly dedicated to what she did, and I didn't feel that a normal box of chocs/bottle of wine would express our gratitude appropriately. However, I also didn't want to embarrass her by buying an inappropriately lavish gift, so we bought her an oxfam "train a teacher" gift instead, and sent it in with a note to say how fantastic she had been, how much dd had benefitted from being in her class, and that we had chosen this gift as we felt that the best way to express how much we valued all that she had done was to give other kids the opportunity to benefit from great teaching too.

I hope she didn't think it was a crap gift. :(

I find it insulting the giver. We (dh and i) got a goat from bil and sil. This was the year we were sofa surfing and had no where to live. Some warm slippers, a hot water bottle would have be nice...also some food....

If the recipient has specifically requested (or indicated) that this is what they would like, no problem. Otherwise how is this a gift? If you want to support a particular charity please send your money and donate in your name, not instead of giving a present to somebody else.

I really hate the attitude of "people have too much so I'm doing this". If you genuinely believe that then tell all your relatives in advance that you won't be buying presents this year and won't expect any back. That way you can send all the money you would have spent to the charity of your choice and be smug and virtuous.

I would much rather have a goat than some nasty chocolates or some bath stuff I don't even like.

I have had one of these this year. The giver was clearly doing this for everyone as there was a sticker explaining it in the card. I really didn't appreciate it! I have been shopping and wrapping presents whilst they have only had to do a few stickers and put them in a card. I would have happily donated to the charity as their present but if I had wanted a charity gift I would have chosen my own favourite not theirs.

I'm also wondering what to do with their presents now. Do I keep them myself and enjoy unwrapping them on Christmas morning?

It's really surprising to see how many people give with the expectation of receiving something back. I'm a bit at the suggestion you wouldn't give gifts that you had bought for someone because you didn't like what they had done for you!

Maybe I'm lucky in that I can afford to buy stuff that I really want and need, but I'm really not that bothered about what people buy for me. For me, the pleasure is truly in the giving!

Jinsei: fair enough point about the pleasure of giving, but you're not giving to your relative or friend, you're giving to the person in Africa. So you and the person in Africa both get the pleasure and your relative/friend is just kind of an onlooker twiddling their thumbs in that exchange.

I think, though, that your gift to the teacher you mention was a fabulous idea! The things that teachers appreciate the most are the heartfelt letters of thanks and appreciation from pupils and their families. I'm sure they love the odd bottle of wine as well but they'd get a few bottles from other families I'm sure, so your letter and charity donation with the meaning behind it would have been really well received I think.

The whole point with the teacher situation was that there was thought put into it, a reason behind it, and you put the effort and thought into writing about what she had done for your child. If I had been your teacher I would have been really touched.

Just jumping in to say that I thought that the gift you gave to the teacher was lovely Jinsei - really thoughtful and touching. I'm sure she would have been thrilled with it.

My DM has bought me a goat or something most Christmases, I think it's great. Some posters are saying that these things are done just to make the 'giver' feel good - but as a recipient it also feels good to think 'Ooh, someone else is benefiting because of me, without me having to do anything'

I, for one, think that is a nice feeling to give someone at Christmas.

What woowoo said.

If the donation is in my name, I would like to be able to say which charity it should go to.

I think your post above kind of answers itself Curly

So you and the person in Africa both get the pleasure and your relative/friend is just kind of an onlooker twiddling their thumbs in that exchange. Implying that the recipient does not get any pleasure from the gift

But:

The whole point with the teacher situation was that there was thought put into it, a reason behind it, and you put the effort and thought into writing about what she had done for your child. If I had been your teacher I would have been really touched

Here, you clearly illustrate the pleasure that the teacher would have got from the gift. So perhaps the real issue is that people are giving charity gifts without explaining their thought behind it. If someone wrote a thoughtful note in the card saying something like "I really appreciated it when you did XXX for me this year, so I thought you'd appreciate me giving XXX back to someone else" or something, that might help..?