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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my in laws are a bit bonkers?

62 replies

naughtylist · 19/12/2013 23:25

Back story, we have recently had to move. We are now 30 mins walk from school. PIL have very kindly offered to take them to school for us in their car (I don't drive). Me and DP have done this drive and it takes at the most 5 minutes. The DD's do not have to be in school untill 8:50 so I was surprised when PIL turned up at 8am on the first day. I let them eat their breakfast and got their coats on at 8:30. I thought they were looking a bit pissy but didn't know why. Then FIL got ill so it was just MIL coming. I went with her every day for 4 weeks - journey took 5 minutes and we were waiting around for about 10 mins before the children went in. Thought this was normal. Still, I noticed an element of pissiness but did not think much of it. We never asked for a lift and said they should tell us if it became too much.

To cut a long story short, now both are well and both do school run. They summoned DH 2 weeks ago to tell me please can I be more considerate and have the chldren with their coats on and ready to leave at 8:15 am. I havn't said anything but I feel miffed and feel sorry for the kids as it's a right rush. They don't wake untill 07:30 and I am struggling to get them to eat any breakfast. And then they are just waiting around for half an hour every morning in the cold.

I told them I would just walk and pick DD3 up from nursery myself but they absolutely insisted and said it was silly to do that when they could drive her home. Today I asked if I could grab a lift with them as I wanted a word with the teacher and they came 30 minutes before the nursery let them out. We sat in the car for 25 minutes - even then they were getting angsty thinking I should get out of the car. They said they always set out this early despite literally being on the next road to the nursery 'incase of traffic'.

I am so grateful of their help (especially in this weather) but we would actually have a bit more time at home if we walked which seems absurd to me. We had major control issues with them when DD1 was born to the point we found alternative childcare. I'm wondering if this is a second wind of them trying to get control or are they just early for everything and just suck it up because it's such a help (i don't finish work until 6am and have a baby at home). Am tempted to just tell them we will be making our own way from now on but DP just says 'yeah they're weird but just take it until you pass your driving test because it's better than you and the kids having to walk in the rain and snow'. Would you say anything?

OP posts:
Hawkmoth · 19/12/2013 23:28

Yeah, "a bit bonkers" doesn't really cover it. Hatstand.

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow · 19/12/2013 23:31

Yep, they are mental. I'd walk, but that's because I detest bring told what to do control freak

ZenNudist · 19/12/2013 23:34

S'up to you

Option 1: as yr dh suggests. Learn to drive, put up with the crazy until then so do t have to walk in the rain

Option 2: tell them you'd rather just take dc to your own timetable and walk in.

I'd go with option2, you get longer to do brekkie and less time hanging around school. Plus you get to snub the nutcases Wink

How about option 3. Ask them to pick dc up at suitable time and if they complain just ask them to humour you so they can see if makes more sense to do it your way.

DontCallMeDaughter · 19/12/2013 23:36

Is it possible we have the same in laws? We invite mine for lunch and they turn up at 9.45am "in case of traffic". Drives me bonkers.

I have no practical advice to offer you other than trying to talk to them about it.... Very gently tell them that the kids routine is x which means they'll be ready at y time. Then add something about how if the dc are ever late for school you'll revise the schedule but really y time seems to be working.

Good luck!!

Chippednailvarnish · 19/12/2013 23:37

Learn to drive, problem solved.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/12/2013 23:37

I'd walk too. They're not doing you a favour if it actually inconveniences you more than walking would

BitOfFunWithSanta · 19/12/2013 23:41

Just walk. It's good for you.

holidaysarenice · 19/12/2013 23:41

How long before you think you'll pass? If its this school year I'd let it go. If not then I'd stop it.

45 mins is plenty of time for kids in the morning. R they well organised?

PrimalLass · 19/12/2013 23:41

I'd just say you don't want them leaving until 8.40 as it is too much of a rush.

MincedMuffPies · 19/12/2013 23:45

I get this with my nan. She is always half hour early and it pisses me right off. Now I plan the time and say 12 when i mean 11:30.

stephenisjustcoming · 19/12/2013 23:49

My dad does this. He'll happily get up at 5am to be on the road 'in good time' for something and then report how they had to wait for a Little Chef to open at 7.30, blah blah, better safe than sorry, etc. while my mum sits there catatonic with sleep deprivation.

In his case it stems from growing up in an age when the top speed of most cars was a reckless 57mph and motorways were naught but cattle tracks. Did you FIL have a slow commute to work? Do they live near a really big set of traffic lights?

Kantha · 19/12/2013 23:55

I think it's an age/generational/being retired and having lots of spare time thing

When my PILs come to stay I have noticed that when I say we put our shoes and coats on to leave for school at 8.30 (so actually get out of the door at 8.35-8.40), FIL and his dog will be pacing at the end of the driveway at 8.25 when the kids are still watching Peppa Pig.

My parents are also great ones for fretting about 'the traffic' too, so frequently turn to things an hour early.

happytalk13 · 20/12/2013 00:01

Bonkers. If you think it's about control cut them off now - to try to negotiate means giving them the stage, which is exactly what controlling people want.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 20/12/2013 00:01

I love this notion!

My DPil is usually late. As far as he's concerned the traffic can get out of his way or people can wait for him. Xmas Grin

Sorry, not much help.

Original poster
naughtylist · 20/12/2013 00:08

My driving is an ongoing saga lasting 10 years - i'm a nervous wreck . Never had a test. Never got that far. That's why DH has his attitude - 'if you can't beat it, just suck it up'. But I hate it. I wish I could drive. I appreciate his parents help but I have also heard about them slagging us off behind our back (prob because we are always disorganised at 08:15)

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 20/12/2013 00:17

I dont understand why you haven't told them to come at 8.40 instead as they are coming far too early?

meddie · 20/12/2013 00:29

Is it a generational thing?. my mother is exactly the same. If she has to be anywhere she always arrives massively early. If a journey takes 20 minutes, she will leave an hour before 'just in case'.
Drives me nuts too, you have my sympathies

Lj8893 · 20/12/2013 00:30

My DM and mil are the complete opposites!! Late for everything.

Canthaveitall · 20/12/2013 00:46

They are being weird. Why not walk and forget this.

ICanTotallyDance · 20/12/2013 02:48

What on earth! What reason did they provide for turning up at 8? Do they know the times your children leave for school? So odd. I must admit that even if they didn't come at a reasonable time I was co-operate for the winter but in summer maybe say you are doing a health thing of 1 hour exercise a day and walk with the children. If there are no main roads they might be able to walk by themselves in a while or with a teenage neighbour or something or if you pass your driving test soon it will all be over.

If this will go on for 6 months or more, I would be looking into alternatives. Carpooling? Bus?

LindyHemming · 20/12/2013 04:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BohemianGirl · 20/12/2013 06:14

The congestion round school gates is ludicrous. I'm with your in-laws I'm afraid. If you left at 8.40, you would have a half hour traffic run and no where to park, leaving at 8.15 avoids all that.

So you either accept their help on their terms or sort yourself out and walk.

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 20/12/2013 06:16

You could tell a little white lie to give your request for later starts more weight (not that you should have to, mind). Say that their teacher has been in touch as they are noticeably tired first thing and it's affecting their learning...

JellyTipisthebest · 20/12/2013 06:40

The kids would stay warmer walking than standing in the cold waiting to go in. I would walk

Jinty64 · 20/12/2013 06:56

Is it 30mins each way for you and baby? I think I would suck it up for the winter and review it in the better weather. Could you get DH to ask them to come at 8:30 as a compromise? It would mean less hanging about. Could they have a packed breakfast in the car or do their reading once they get to the school? Do they pick them up as well? I would be hard punched to walk an ours round journey 2/3 times a day if it could be avoided.