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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my in laws are a bit bonkers?

62 replies

naughtylist · 19/12/2013 23:25

Back story, we have recently had to move. We are now 30 mins walk from school. PIL have very kindly offered to take them to school for us in their car (I don't drive). Me and DP have done this drive and it takes at the most 5 minutes. The DD's do not have to be in school untill 8:50 so I was surprised when PIL turned up at 8am on the first day. I let them eat their breakfast and got their coats on at 8:30. I thought they were looking a bit pissy but didn't know why. Then FIL got ill so it was just MIL coming. I went with her every day for 4 weeks - journey took 5 minutes and we were waiting around for about 10 mins before the children went in. Thought this was normal. Still, I noticed an element of pissiness but did not think much of it. We never asked for a lift and said they should tell us if it became too much.

To cut a long story short, now both are well and both do school run. They summoned DH 2 weeks ago to tell me please can I be more considerate and have the chldren with their coats on and ready to leave at 8:15 am. I havn't said anything but I feel miffed and feel sorry for the kids as it's a right rush. They don't wake untill 07:30 and I am struggling to get them to eat any breakfast. And then they are just waiting around for half an hour every morning in the cold.

I told them I would just walk and pick DD3 up from nursery myself but they absolutely insisted and said it was silly to do that when they could drive her home. Today I asked if I could grab a lift with them as I wanted a word with the teacher and they came 30 minutes before the nursery let them out. We sat in the car for 25 minutes - even then they were getting angsty thinking I should get out of the car. They said they always set out this early despite literally being on the next road to the nursery 'incase of traffic'.

I am so grateful of their help (especially in this weather) but we would actually have a bit more time at home if we walked which seems absurd to me. We had major control issues with them when DD1 was born to the point we found alternative childcare. I'm wondering if this is a second wind of them trying to get control or are they just early for everything and just suck it up because it's such a help (i don't finish work until 6am and have a baby at home). Am tempted to just tell them we will be making our own way from now on but DP just says 'yeah they're weird but just take it until you pass your driving test because it's better than you and the kids having to walk in the rain and snow'. Would you say anything?

OP posts:
Jinty64 · 20/12/2013 06:57

Hard pushed even.

diddl · 20/12/2013 06:57

How old are the kids-do they have to be taken to school?

TBH, I think it's fine for them to set the time they fetch the kids.

It's only 15 mins earlier than you want!

If it doesn't suit-walk them!

Jinty64 · 20/12/2013 06:58

hours round journey. I think I should go back to bed!

redskyatnight · 20/12/2013 08:40

Don't see why you need a lift for 30 minutes walk unless it's down a dual carriageway or something ...
But on the basis you are being offered a lift I think you do it on their terms or not at all.

And in fairness to your in-laws, traffic and parking does churn up round schools as it gets closer to start time. I know lots of parents who drive to my DC's school deliberately go early and wait about because going at a more "sensible" time means negotiating more traffic and struggling to park.

MincedMuffPies · 20/12/2013 09:11

Is there a breakfast club available? You could get your dh to drop dc at breakfast club on the way to work.

Holdthepage · 20/12/2013 09:25

OP it's an age thing. Ironically because they have more time on their hands they have more time to fret about being late & parking spaces. I live opposite a school & parents & grandparents are sat in their cars for at least 30 minutes before the children come out. They worry about getting a parking space so clutter up the road all afternoon, causing the parking problems in the first place!

neunundneunzigluftballons · 20/12/2013 09:35

I would walk but if the weather was inclement on the weather forecast I would ring them up and have the kids ready at 8.15. A 30 minute walk to school is not that much I had it with dd when she started. Good for her, good for me, I was fit as a fiddle

limitedperiodonly · 20/12/2013 09:45

Just walk. Life will be easier without these bullies.

I know someone who is obsessed by traffic. I drive. Traffic is a normal part of it. He's just weird.

He also fumes if there is a minor delay - like you just want to take a moment to run through a mental checklist: have I got my keys?/turned the gas off?/locked the door?

It's so unpleasant I hardly ever accept lifts.

A little while ago it was unavoidable because we were at the same event. Well, it wasn't. I could have got the bus and train and wish I had. It's just his wife insisted on giving me a lift home and it would have looked odd to refuse.

I asked to be dropped off not at my house but a bit further along the road by the shops because I had no food in the house. It was on the same route.

As we approached the junction that I was expecting him to make a tiny detour into he said: 'Limited, get ready to get out.'

I thought he was joking and said: 'Don't bother stopping. Just slow down a bit and I'll do a commando roll out of the car.'

Silence. His son said: 'Actually, Dad's not joking.'

limitedperiodonly · 20/12/2013 09:52

Just to add - he wouldn't have had to wait for ages to rejoin the queue. If I'd have been driving I'd have turned in, dropped the person off and then done a perfectly legal U-turn and rejoined the traffic probably about five cars behind.

As it was he dropped me off on a main road with no pavement in heavy traffic in the dark. Didn't lose his place in the queue though.

YouTheCat · 20/12/2013 09:59

What minced said. If there is a breakfast club, get them signed up for it. That way you don't have to worry about making them eat and being early won't be a problem. Plus they'd probably love it too.

pictish · 20/12/2013 09:59

I would find this intolerable I'm afraid. Why the fuck do they want to sit in a bloody car park for eons? What is wrong with them?
The fact that they got a bit pissy would hack me off immensely. If they are doing you a favour then really, it should be about doing what actually helps. Doing a favour shouldn't mean that they get to dictate and control.

Nah - I'd be getting dh to sort it out quicksmart.

TriggersBroom · 20/12/2013 10:02

Shock at commando roll

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/12/2013 10:04

Seriously, just walk or cycle or scooter.

Massive health benefits for everyone, good habits for later life, good for the environment, opportunity to chat along the way.

30 minutes is nothing.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 20/12/2013 10:04

I would on this occasion suck it up.
Its not unusual for the older generation to be super early for things, better than my family always late.

AND its not just walking in wind and rain, its when your ill.

I had this walk too and when I was ill, migranes etc it was a killer......

so until you can drive I would bear with it, then when you drive, and this will be a good incentive to keep you going....you can thank them profulsy and laugh about it.

limitedperiodonly · 20/12/2013 10:05

They worry about getting a parking space so clutter up the road all afternoon, causing the parking problems in the first place!

YY holdthepage my trafficphobe doesn't seem to understand that he's part of the traffic too either.

AlpacaPicnic · 20/12/2013 10:13

The OP has said she is happy to walk but they insisted on giving lifts.

I find, as a non driver, that it is almost always easier for me to walk or get the bus than rely on a lift, but people I work with that drive everywhere seem to regard this as a strange quirk of mine and try to force me to accept lifts I don't want. Im happy to work to my own timescale but sometimes I literally have to fight them off!
One time, we were out at a restaurant that was literally five minutes walk from my house. Someone offered me a lift - I politely refused. They insisted. I had to tell them that I was not going to walk for five minutes in the opposite direction to a car park just to be driven home when I could be home before they were starting their engine...

WhenSarahAndStuckUpTheChimney · 20/12/2013 10:29

The bit that I would be most annoyed about is "They summoned DH 2 weeks ago to tell me please can I be more considerate and have the chldren with their coats on and ready to leave at 8:15 am."

If that's how they really said it, tell naughtylist to be more considerate" then that would have wound me right up.

My PILs still do that to DH. "Can you tell Sarah..., why won't Sarah just..., please make Sarah..."

They once actually held some of our belongings to ransom in their house and told me "you cannot have these back until you do as we say" and that did not go down well at all.

So perhaps I'm oversensitive to this, but I'd be really annoyed if they really had contacted your DS to have him "tell" you to be more considerate.

They made the offer, you haven't asked them for these lifts. If you have to be in by 8:50am then if you walk you have to set off at 8:20am.

I'd think an extra 20 minutes at home and then a 30 minute walk is better than leaving 20 minutes earlier at 8am for a 5 minute drive and then standing outside the school for up to 45 minutes in the cold.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/12/2013 10:34

They are not forcing the OP into the car at gunpoint. Confused

Assuming you are in the UK there are very few days of the year when it is dangerous or excessively unpleasant to walk for 30 minutes / an hour, given the right clothes.

Is there another parent living close by you can share lifts with? E.g. you walk their kids to school, they walk yours home?

limitedperiodonly · 20/12/2013 10:54

It's difficult to refuse sometimes.

I try to get out of it as much as possible but the wife of the driver I'm talking about insists on giving me lifts. She doesn't like driving so he does most of it.

She called at my house on the day I was talking about and then said: 'Hurry! Hurry! He hates waiting,' as I was putting my coat on.

She then added: 'Shall I untie your shoes for you or can you slip them on?' Confused

She then ran to the car. I walked and I could tell he was angry.

We were going to the same place and they'd insisted on taking me there and back.

If I'd have said I'd make my own way by bus and train - easy enough, just longer - she'd have thought I was being rude when in fact it's her husband who's the rude bastard.

It's clear that he resents giving people lifts. I don't really know why if it's not out of his way. I think he thinks that people take advantage of him.

She offers lifts all the time, I think to try and pretend to herself that he's nice and normal. It would be easier if she admitted that he's not or told him to grow the fuck up.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/12/2013 10:56

I couldn't deal with this. If passing your driving test is problematic (mine certainly was as well but you will get there!) then I would be walking next term. I would just tell them, thanks for all their help but we'll be walking as a healthy new year;s resolution.

I walk 20 mins each way for the school run, with a small baby in tow. I could drive but walking is just as easy and much better for me. On a couple of days it hasn't been particularly pleasant weather but really with appropriate clothes it is fine.

Good luck with it!

BehindLockNumberNine · 20/12/2013 11:01

I don't understand why you have not asked them to arrive later? Who decided they should be here at 08.15? Why can't you just say to them, we leave at 08.30??

ivykaty44 · 20/12/2013 11:04

bonkers, why did it take so long to work out Grin

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull · 20/12/2013 11:07

Yeah, what BehindLockNumberNine and a couple of other said. What is wrong with having a normal dialogue and asking them to come at 8.40, or not before 8.30 because anything else to too early and too long to wait in the cold? Said with a please and a nice, big, cheesy shit-eating grin?

I couldn't be arsed with them if they have been like this about things before and this was yet another facet of it. You and your DH need to stand firm and calm together.

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 20/12/2013 11:09

Op just learn to drive and that sorts out all your problems. I think when you have kids you should be driving anyway. Makes life so much easier.

mrsravelstein · 20/12/2013 11:12

it's partly a generational thing - my parents do the same, they give ds1 a lift to something once a week and turn up 25 mins earlier than they need to, it's a 5 min drive away, and then say "aren't you ready yet, there might be traffic" despite the fact that even if there WAS traffic (which there isn't) it would still never take more than 10 mins.

in mitigation, it might be well that if they get to school later, they'd need to park further away and perhaps they don't want to walk so far.