To think my in laws are a bit bonkers?

[naughtylist]

Back story, we have recently had to move. We are now 30 mins walk from school. PIL have very kindly offered to take them to school for us in their car (I don't drive). Me and DP have done this drive and it takes at the most 5 minutes. The DD's do not have to be in school untill 8:50 so I was surprised when PIL turned up at 8am on the first day. I let them eat their breakfast and got their coats on at 8:30. I thought they were looking a bit pissy but didn't know why. Then FIL got ill so it was just MIL coming. I went with her every day for 4 weeks - journey took 5 minutes and we were waiting around for about 10 mins before the children went in. Thought this was normal. Still, I noticed an element of pissiness but did not think much of it. We never asked for a lift and said they should tell us if it became too much.

To cut a long story short, now both are well and both do school run. They summoned DH 2 weeks ago to tell me please can I be more considerate and have the chldren with their coats on and ready to leave at 8:15 am. I havn't said anything but I feel miffed and feel sorry for the kids as it's a right rush. They don't wake untill 07:30 and I am struggling to get them to eat any breakfast. And then they are just waiting around for half an hour every morning in the cold.

I told them I would just walk and pick DD3 up from nursery myself but they absolutely insisted and said it was silly to do that when they could drive her home. Today I asked if I could grab a lift with them as I wanted a word with the teacher and they came 30 minutes before the nursery let them out. We sat in the car for 25 minutes - even then they were getting angsty thinking I should get out of the car. They said they always set out this early despite literally being on the next road to the nursery 'incase of traffic'.

I am so grateful of their help (especially in this weather) but we would actually have a bit more time at home if we walked which seems absurd to me. We had major control issues with them when DD1 was born to the point we found alternative childcare. I'm wondering if this is a second wind of them trying to get control or are they just early for everything and just suck it up because it's such a help (i don't finish work until 6am and have a baby at home). Am tempted to just tell them we will be making our own way from now on but DP just says 'yeah they're weird but just take it until you pass your driving test because it's better than you and the kids having to walk in the rain and snow'. Would you say anything?

Another thing about him is that he expects you to be ready and waiting by the door so he's not waiting for a moment. She tells me this as if it's a completely normal quirk. 'Ooh! He hates being kept waiting!'

Obviously it's not on to keep someone waiting while you faff about getting ready because you're late. But I'm talking about a few minutes spent putting my coat on and tying my shoelaces.

It's like being a paratrooper and having your sergeant-major pushing you out of the plane shouting: 'Go! Go! Go!'

Sorry to hi-jack your thread OP. I do sympathise. We're both trapped by weird people.

The only way out of it is to insist on walking and when they ask why say: 'Because you are bullying me and the children and I'm not putting up with it any more.'

That's easier said than done though.

I would ask them if they can possibly come at 8:40, or whatever time is appropriate, and if that's a problem for them, just walk. It's better for the children to be walking for 30 minutes than standing around in the cold for the same amount of time, surely?

It might be worth having a go at your driving test sooner rather than later though. I say this as someone who had a huge crisis of confidence about driving, and avoided even trying to learn for years because I really believed I was just fundamentally incapable of it. I passed my test first time (admittedly after quite a lot of lessons), it really wasn't as hard as I'd built it up to be in my mind. Still don't like driving, but it does make life easier if you can do it when you need to.

Just walk. Better for everyone's health and no PIL stress.

I think it's a generational thing too. FIL looks after the DCs one day a week while I work and is always ridiculously early. He doesn't need to be at ours until 12:30 which is when he meets my DM to collect DD (she has DD from 7am until she starts work at 1pm) yet he gets there incredibly early, one afternoon he'd been sitting outside our house by 11:30

Another time I was going an evening shift so we arranged for him to come to the house for 4pm, that gave me time to do the school run and give the DCs a quick dinner. At 2:30ish I was pootling past the school to go to the shop before pick-up time and there's FIL, standing outside the locked gates. Waiting.

It's so annoying and, while I'd never say it to him as he's not doing it maliciously, I do kind of think to myself "actually, could you bugger off until the time that we arranged". Being deliberately far too early is just as rude as being deliberately late IMO, it's an inconvenience.

He's coming over at Christmas and we've said 11:30 is fine as we want to have the morning for just us and the DCs. I know for a fact he will be on the doorstep by 10am and in my current frame of mind I'd happily leave him there until 11:30 but that's not nice at Christmas. To get around it we've booked him a taxi (on us) "so you don't have to walk in the cold, it's forecast to be so windy and possibly rain too", we've booked it for 11:45 :o

I'd walk to school OP, just thank your PILs for their help but explain that the DCs are too early for school and its not fair on them having to stand about in a cold yard waiting for school to open.

"I appreciate his parents help but I have also heard about them slagging us off behind our back (prob because we are always disorganised at 08:15)"

When they arrive early do they do anything to help you and the DC get ready? Or do they just stand there watching and judging?

It sounds controlling to me, like they are checking up on you. And the fact that you've heard them slag you off would not go down well if it were me.

The more I think about it, I think they are just a bit bonkers about punctuality. Once MIL insisted on dropping me off at the bus stop because it was raining. She made me leave 20 minutes earlier than the bus was due (incase of traffic). I then stood in the rain for 18 minutes until the bus came .

I have tried to ask them to come later. It did not go down well.

I think i'm just going to suck it up for the winter and give them a cereal bar to eat in the car if they don't manage their breakfast before. You are all right - I do need to sort out my driving.

How can it not go down well! Just tell them not to come too early. Don't ask, tell!

Why don't you at least get your kids up earlier so they can have a proper breakfast?

This is nonsensical, OP. Why should you change you and your kids' behaviour (giving them cereal bars, getting them up early) because your PILs can't or won't cooperate?

FGS, if you won't take the option of walking then just tell them when they should arrive. Tell them to discuss any problems with you, not with your DP. And get your DP to support you on this too.

Tell them you wont be ready until 8:30. If they arrive at 8:15 and do nothing to help the morning rush, then they give up the right to comment about anything to do with the morning rush.

If they do help out in the mornng when they arrive, then perhaps (and please don't shoot me for saying this) things are a bit more disorganised than you think and maybe there are ways to improve the ease of getting ready for school.

I would carry on with the driving lessons. Why are you so nervous driving? If you could get an instructor that is good with nervous learner drivers you may make a lot of progress! Best of luck to you!

Obsessive earliness is not punctuality OP.

It's as rude as being habitually late and may possibly be a bullying tactic. Only you can tell.

Punctuality is getting there on time. And punctual people rarely boast about it because to them, being there on time is normal.

If your not willing to either walk or make them wait, then your are going to have to suck it up. So get up earlier and feed your kids properly.