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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want people to know we met online

120 replies

Laila362 · 18/12/2013 13:04

I have never been ashamed about anything in my life or anything about me until I met my partner online. Even with people who openly have told me they met their partner online I just cannot admit that's where I met my partner and I end up lying that we met at work as we work with partner companies but I don't elaborate. When out with my partner he says the truth and is my embarrassed at all. Obviously I have to tell the truth to our friend as my partner has told them it's just people who will never meet and also my family. I just find it terribly embarrassing as I would think bad of a girl who was looking for love online. It screams desperation and loneliness and that you can't find anyone else normally. For me I had plenty of men who like led me I just moved to a new city and did online dating as I knew no one. It is normal that I don't like to admit how we met?

OP posts:

TweaselsDrankMyGluhwein · 18/12/2013 13:07

No it's not normal and it's possibly offensive to the thousands of others on here who met their partners online.

I think in today's society online dating is as valid and as common as other methods.

rallytog1 · 18/12/2013 13:08

It's so normal to meet your partner online these days. I met my DH online 8 years ago. We've been married for 6 years and had our first dc this year. Among my friendship group, we are not unusual. We've got several other couple friends who met online and are now married etc.

There's no stigma in it any more. When people ask how we met I sometimes feign a bit of shame, but without exception people say it's great and are really fascinated about how these things work. Either that or they say that they met their partner in the same way too.

There is honestly nothing to be ashamed of!

UsedToBeNDP · 18/12/2013 13:08

Lots of normal couples meet online these days. Not just sextrolls

whereisshe · 18/12/2013 13:13

It's normal, why would it be a problem for people to know about it. Anyway, being that worried about what people think isn't great for your state of mind - ultimately their opinions don't matter if you're happy.

youmakemydreams · 18/12/2013 13:14

Yabu. I met dp online. We did wonder if we should tell people. All my friends knew I was online dating but his didn't. We have been honest and nobody has batted an eye lid.
Most people online date because they work long hours, live away from where they grew up and know people, to expand their social circle. A million reasons I'm sure.
There is absolutely no shame in it.
I've met someone I really like, who makes me happy and who I get on well with. How we met is neither relevant or shameful.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 18/12/2013 13:16

I have five friends who are couples that met online and are now married! Whether through online dating or Internet forum meet ups. It's a normal thing now.

billyokey · 18/12/2013 13:17

its very normal and I think (or thought!) it is becoming a lot less stigmatised. I met my partner online, I was 21 and definitely not lonely or desperate!! signed up to the website as a bit of a laugh with some girlfriends, actually went on a date and met my man. maybe this is more about your own insecurities... maybe you feel a little desperate and lonely not knowing anyone in your new town?

5Foot5 · 18/12/2013 13:18

YABU. Years ago - before online dating - my widowed mother went through a lonely hearts column in a local paper and met the man who has been her partner for nearly 20 years now. I admired her courage at the time and I still think it was one of the best decisions she made.

My widowed sister is also now using online sites to meet people and I think it is an excellent idea. I don't think anyone would bat an eyelid these days if you told them

UsedToBeNDP · 18/12/2013 13:20

online dating has become so popular because it allows people to sort the wheat from the chaff a bit earlier on that in traditional dating (say in a bar/nightclub situation). You can filter by interests/hobbies, age, career type, kids/no kids etc. seems eminently sensible to me and a bit safer than getting plastered choosing prospective man friends through beer goggles in a darkened room.

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas · 18/12/2013 13:20

YABU, online dating is normal now. I now quite a few couples who met online (though dating sites as well as just mutual interest sites). It's not embarrassing. You say you would look down on someone who went looking online? Why?

Icelollycraving · 18/12/2013 13:21

Yabu. I met my dh online. It's a very normal way these days to find someone once you sort the wheat from the chaff.

EirikurNoromaour · 18/12/2013 13:22

It's pretty ridiculous that you think badly of women who online date yet you did it!

iamamug · 18/12/2013 13:23

I met my husband through the personal column of the local paper over 20 years ago - I can assure you I was far from desperate and it was the best thing I ever did. All my single friends now use online dating. Nothing strange about it at all.
It says more about you that you are ashamed of it - trust me no-one else will give a rats arse!

KhunZhoop · 18/12/2013 13:24

I met my partner online seven years ago, and we're now married.

You need to get over this thinking, as it's really stupid. If you're ashamed of how you met, some people will assume it's because you're ashamed of your partner.

liquidstate · 18/12/2013 13:24

YABU

I met my husband at a speed dating event. It was mentioned during DHs wedding speech, he even produced my notes card from the night and read my comments about him. ('Famer, glasses, handsome' if you must know!)

A lot of people I know met online and have since married. Nothing to be ashamed of.

KhunZhoop · 18/12/2013 13:25

Also, get off the high horse with the "it was okay for me, but all you other bitches who did it, well, look how crap and desperate you are" stuff. You sound a real treat.

ElizabethBathory · 18/12/2013 13:27

YABU. Every single one of my single friends does online dating. I know loads of couples who met online. It's completely normal now and it would be ridiculous to lie about it, especially since your DP is telling the truth. You really shouldn't be ashamed of yourself OP.

I recently met up with a friend and his new DP, who he met online, and they did seem really funny about 'admitting' how they met. They made up this funny, improbable story, and then said no, only joking, we met online. Tbh it was just awkward and they seemed slightly ashamed, when really no one cares how couples met and a big deal does not need to made of it.

Joysmum · 18/12/2013 13:28

As much as anyone can be politically correct and say the right things, it may be more common now but there are those who do online (or any other dating organisations, lonely hearts ads etc) dating as a bit tragic.

The fact that we all KNOW this to be the case and are defending it show there's still stigma attached to it. It takes time to change perception and perceptions haven't changed quite enough just yet for it not to be an issue.

As much as I disagree with the stigma that clearly still exists arounds this, pretending it doesn't exist doesn't make it a reality. So you need to try and get a bit off perspective on it. There will be prejudiced arseholes out there but the people who matter won't care as they will know and love you and be thankful that you've been lucky to find love, no matter how that was. Does what the arseholes think really matter that much to you?

Joysmum · 18/12/2013 13:30

those who THINK those that do online

ElleMcFearsome · 18/12/2013 13:30

I met my DH online, and even worse - in an online computer game (World of Warcraft) I was just always brazen about if and if anyone was about it they didn't say anything to me!

Also, the more people that are open about meeting online, the less stigma there is.

DolomitesDonkey · 18/12/2013 13:32

The person who married us told us more than 50% of her couples met online.

KhunZhoop · 18/12/2013 13:33

Who's pretending the stigma doesn't exist? However, pandering to the stigma isn't going to get rid of it, now, is it? Years ago, being gay was a stigma, now it's less so because people are a) more willing to talk about it and b) are actually proud of it.

Seven years ago, there was a LOT of stigma about online dating, now it's increasingly the only people can meet with other people in their area. Why start your relationship off with a lie though? That cannot be healthy.

ElizabethBathory · 18/12/2013 13:35

Meeting your DH in World of Warcraft is a great 'how we met' story Elle!!

I met a real life friend through Gumtree - she'd just moved to the area and put an ad up for friends, and I thought she sounded really nice. And she is! DH took the piss

Original poster

Laila362 · 18/12/2013 13:36

I met my partner online but through a forum not a dating site. I couldn't be bothered with setting up a full profile or paying for a dating site. He is a lovely guy so I'm not ashamed of him at all. I was lonely in the new town and I was looking for someone as I was sick of being asked out by men who weren't my type. So maybe because I was lonely I presume everyone on there is the same. I do know people who met online through a proper dating site and I do think less of them for bothering to pay and set up a dating profile. I guess it just seems desperate to go to the lengths to do it but actually it doesn't take long to set one up. I know a few people who have made snide remarks about those that met online, my dad says its unnatural and for desperate people so that's why I haven't told anyone. I don't have low self esteem, I have no problem with anything else in my life. Just this. Just being aware that ppl know how we met makes me cringe. I wish we had met in a normal way :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

Laila362 · 18/12/2013 13:38

And while people tell me it's normal it's usually only ppl who did meet their partner online that say that. I want to get over this so that I can start being truthful with ease. We have a beautiful newborn son and have been together since I was 23 so hardly like we don't get on!

OP posts:

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