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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want people to know we met online

120 replies

Laila362 · 18/12/2013 13:04

I have never been ashamed about anything in my life or anything about me until I met my partner online. Even with people who openly have told me they met their partner online I just cannot admit that's where I met my partner and I end up lying that we met at work as we work with partner companies but I don't elaborate. When out with my partner he says the truth and is my embarrassed at all. Obviously I have to tell the truth to our friend as my partner has told them it's just people who will never meet and also my family. I just find it terribly embarrassing as I would think bad of a girl who was looking for love online. It screams desperation and loneliness and that you can't find anyone else normally. For me I had plenty of men who like led me I just moved to a new city and did online dating as I knew no one. It is normal that I don't like to admit how we met?

OP posts:
Original poster
Laila362 · 18/12/2013 15:05

I think it's because I met my partner when I was young and at uni, a place where you should be in a situation where you could meet someone in a normal way. If we were to split up now I don't think I would mind telling people we met online as a single parent would find it harder to meet someone. I really do think that's it. I feel people judge me as I should have been able to meet someone wihout the help of te internet.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 18/12/2013 15:06

It's not as bad for men to do it but it's embarrassing for a women

I'm starting to think this is a wind-up now..

CarolsFromPoopMinster · 18/12/2013 15:08

The uni I went to used to organise dating events - there was obviously a demand for it...

ViviPru · 18/12/2013 15:08

I feel people judge me

No YOU are judging you. And you're judging other people - it's not nice.

I'm judging you now for being so bloody judgemental. Just get over it OP. Meeting people online is OLD NEWS.

MammaTJ · 18/12/2013 15:14

Why does it matter? You could have met someone in a pub, or at uni, but you met your ideal man online. Why would you think that is something to be looked down on and judged for?

I met my DP online, but because I was a single mum at the time, that is acceptable to you. Hmm

I could also have gone to the pub, met someone at work or anywhere else out and about, so I do not see the disparity there.

MrsBri · 18/12/2013 15:20

Khun, my DH and I met on a band's forum, and then in person at a gig. We've been together over 5 years, married for just over a year and have a baby DD.

We know quite a few couples who've met on the same forum and many of our best friends were also met the same way, including one of our wedding ushers and our daughter's godmother.

I'd say it's totally normal to meet people online, whether for friendship or a relationship. You just need to remember this and not worry about it.

Ephiny · 18/12/2013 15:25

But meeting online is a 'normal way' of meeting someone these days. It's not anything unusual, or that you need feel embarrassed about or have to 'admit' to Confused.

It sounds like you're projecting your own judgmental attitude onto other people. Most people will not really care how you met, beyond mild curiosity, and are really not likely to think less of you for whatever your answer is.

I didn't meet DH online, but I know several couples who did meet that way, and it isn't an issue for them or for me. I think it's a great idea, actually, and would definitely use online dating if I was single and looking for a partner. Seems a more reliable method than just hoping you'll randomly meet someone suitable (though that does sometimes work out too :))

sykadelic15 · 18/12/2013 15:48

@ElleMcFearsome - My DH and I met on WoW as well :) I immigrated to the US because of him :D

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 18/12/2013 15:55

You are being silly - tho I guess it's from your dad.

I suggest the next five times you are asked, tell the truth, you'll find the world won't fall in.

I met dh on match. Com- now that is embarrassing- I should have been on guardian soulmates or something.

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 18/12/2013 15:56

My god it's the 21st Century!

I met my husband 12 years ago on an internet forum. He lived in Belfast. I lived in California.

We now both live in Belfast and have been married 9 years.

Grow up and stop caring what people think.

dobedobedo · 18/12/2013 15:59

Back way back when the only people who owned computers were "programmer geeks" and "nerds" who couldn't get girls the normal way because they weren't "jock" enough or sociable, there was stigma.

But everyone is on the internet now. It's completely normal to meet a partner online. There shouldn't be a stigma at all, I think it was also unfair in the early internet days.

YABU.

RibbonsInMyHair · 18/12/2013 16:00

The only time I've personally found it odd is when a guy at work told me he had been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 7 years - but for the first 2 years they had never met.

That to me isn't a relationship if you have never met, both lived in the UK btw.

Aside from that I know quite a few people who have met online, I'd probably say it's the most common way to meet someone these days.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 18/12/2013 16:03

Yes Viv, this must be a wind up. No one could really still think
" It's not as bad for men to do it but it's embarrassing for a women"

Gossipmonster · 18/12/2013 16:05

We met online and we decided to lie about it.

This lasted about a week. We gladly tell people how we met and it's really very common - much more so than lonely hearts ads.

I don't care what people think if me why should I I've been happy for 4 yrs! :)

NuggetofPurestGreen · 18/12/2013 16:11

I went out with someone id met online about 5 years ago. I was honest about how we met but he lied to his friends as he was embarrassed. Wound me right up I tell you. And it was a bit more understandable then, I didn't know anyone doing online dating at the time whereas now it's unusual for you not to do it if you're single!

MistleToastyStoHoHoat · 18/12/2013 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 18/12/2013 16:12

I talked about it in my wedding speech too. anyone who finds it embarrassing are a bit too much worried about what others think.

sykadelic15 · 18/12/2013 16:13

Honestly I find people who meet at bars to be unusual. You're meeting someone drunk and dolled up. Either on their best or worst behaviour (not indicative of who they really are). Probably out trolling for sex rather than looking for a relationship. I knew I'd never meet someone for a real relationship that way, can't say I ever expected via WoW though! I wasn't even looking and POW there he was :P Being an LDR meant we got to know each other a lot better (I feel) that if we were in person. We had to find things to talk about. Sent videos, photos, etc etc.

I've never had anyone react badly to us meeting online (at least to my face). Most people think it's great and love to hear how it all worked out for us. I even explained how we met at our wedding because some people legitimately had no idea (and I'm REALLY not embarrassed by it, our relationship proves it's not always bad).

I understand why you're worried given your dad's statements, but honestly you're part of the problem of why it's stigmatised. Don't you think if you told your dad, a naysayer of online dating, that you met your partner online that he'd change his tune seeing how successful your relationship is? It says more about him and his being narrow-minded than it does about meeting online.

Pollaidh · 18/12/2013 16:22

It's completely normal now, especially once you're past the uni stage where you meet tons of people. I know tons of people who do it. I met my husband in real life (uni), but I remember living in a new city for my first job and wondering how on earth you make friends, let alone find a partner. My 'what if' master plan involved going to the park and tripping over in front of nice looking runners... on-line dating would have been far less desperate.

sykadelic15 · 18/12/2013 16:24

RibbonsInMyHair I understand why you find LDR's weird, especially if they haven't met when it "starts" but the first 10 months of our relationship were without us having met in person (we'd been friends for longer and still having not met physically).

The relationship was about being there emotionally for each other, being committed to each other (not seeing anyone else) and learning who each other was without worrying about the physical first.

One of the worries for me was that we would be incompatible in person (sex life, living habits etc) and that we'd put all this emotional stuff into it and it would fizzle out... BUT at the very least both of us would have a great friend who knows us so well.

I stayed with him for 2 months in the US. He was working and studying so it wasn't really a "honeymoon" period of 24/7 together. It showed me/us what we'd be like as a couple living together. It showed me what his friends thought of him, his family, his work and study ethic and all that stuff.

Worked for us :)

** I will add that there ARE bad people out there. There are "catfish" you need to worry about but if you're smart and don't take everything at face value (especially in the beginning) and do what you can to protect yourself (don't give out physical address in the beginning and meet in public places for example) you'll be fine.

Gossipmonster · 18/12/2013 16:25

The embarrassing bit is we met on POF Blush

DontmindifIdo · 18/12/2013 16:29

OP - if it helps, perhaps start a "how did you meet your DH/P and what do you say when asked how you met him/her?" thread - you'll find the bulk of stories aren't super romantic/tell the DGCs type, there'll be lots of "woke up with a hangover next to him" or "drunk in a city centre" stories, and then a lot of "on-line" - very few people have a "Mills and Boon story" - yours isn't embarrassing or unusal. It's only your Dad and that generation who think so because the idea is so alien to them.

I still don;t see why "in an online forum discussing XYZ" is any worse than "at a XYZ club/at an event for fans of XYZ" - unless the XYZ is something embarrassing.

HeirToTheIronThrone · 18/12/2013 16:32

Another one who met her husband on match.com, and happy to admit it. My housemate at the time saw how happy I was when we met, and she's now living with her online boyfriend, another ex-colleague is married to hers. There's also a 5 year online relationship and a marriage that came out of speed dating in my wider circle. I must know a hell of a lot of desperate, unattractive women OP Confused I'm so non-embarrassed by it that it was in our wedding speeches!

Seriously, how dare you suggest that I couldn't find someone in a 'normal' way?? For me it just sped things up, DH and I realised when we'd been dating for a while that we could have met several times - at gigs, or our shared local, or through friends of friends. It just gave fate a boot!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 18/12/2013 16:33

Yeah gossip monster, pof is desperate ;)

MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest · 18/12/2013 16:38

I know 5 couples who met online. 3 are married.

Realistically, who gives a shit how you met? That's just a conversation starter.

If I were single now, and wanted to date, I'd definitely do online dating. I'm not into clubbing or bars anymore.

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