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AIBU?

To ask who is being unreasonable in my family?

90 replies

MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 17:27

Long story short...my older brother is in hospital. He's a troublesome man...but still my brother....my Mum is visiting him in a distant city on a daily basis on two trains and a bus (she's 67 and works part time and is knackering herself with this.

I can't go to see him as I work and also am looking after his dog.

We had plans to spend Christmas at Mum;s...me, my DH and DC and my sister and her DC...and my brother. Howver it now looks like brother is going to be in hospital still as his op wont happen till Christmas.

My Mum is intent on going to see my brother on Christmas day and has told me this morning that she will ask my sister's husband to drive her there as no trains on Christmas day...we have no car and my DH can't drive...nor can I...Mum CAN drive but has never driven to this city and basically won't...she'd panic.

My sister just told me that she will be refusing for her DH to drive my Mum to the hospital because my sis thinks that Mum should not go on Christmas day but should continue with the original plan for us all to go there...and that Mum is obcessing over my brother who is not dangerously ill but has no wife and in mum's words "Hasn't got anyone"

Now I see both sides...Mum won't want my bro alone on Christmas day but my sister is adamant that her DC won't lose their Dad for "hours and hours" on Christmas day so my Mum can visit my bro (who is not a good person in some ways...borrows money and doesn't pay back etc...has been in and out of trouble with the law)

I am sad. I don't care what happens but I don't want anyone unhappy. Mum wont be able to afford a taxi....I could offer to chip in I suppose but it will be tight.

OP posts:

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MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 18:07

Squeaver if he was more of a reasonable man, that would be a good idea. But he's like a big overgrown child and he should already have said "DO NOT come daily....it must be shattering you out" to my Mum but instead he gives her fucking big lists of things he needs and expects her there daily.

Plant my sis will no way chip in. I just rang up for a qoute and it's 70 pounds one way.

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BrownSauceSandwich · 17/12/2013 18:09

I feel for your mum, and your brother, but it's not your sister's responsibility, and most definitely not her husband's. I'm sorry you feel bad about it, but I'm afraid if your mum is determined to go, she'll just have to work it out for herself.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 17/12/2013 18:18

How does your mum think the day will work when the hostess is missing for most of the day?

Christmas is mostly for the children. Expecting small people to go without Daddy, and maybe to a lesser degree Granny, for the day is not on.

squeaver · 17/12/2013 18:23

Hmm, in answer to your question then, the person in your family who is being unreasonable is undoubtedly your brother.

MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 18:24

Toffee I said upthread that we would have the day in our own homes. I've now offered DH as a navigator to Mum....but I stipulated that I expect the visit to take place early in the day...so they can be back for a decently timed lunch.

I thought that if they left for 11.00am, then DH can enjoy the morning with the kids...then they;ll get to my bro at about 12.00midday...spend an hour...and be home for lunch at about 2.00.

DH has given his blessing to do this. I can't see my Mum worried and sad on Christmas day...she can come here for lunch after.

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MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 18:25

Got the timings wrong there....they'll be at the hospital at about 11.30...meaning an hour there...leave at 12.30 and home for 1.

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SavoyCabbage · 17/12/2013 18:25

Your mum is BU. If she wants to go she will have to get herself there. It shouldn't fall to your sisters dh. Especially as your mum can actually drive.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 17/12/2013 18:32

Your BIL should not be asked to miss out on Christ as with his own family. Your Sis is not BU.

Could your mother find a B&B near the hospital for Christmas eve & Christmas nights?

MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 18:32

Deer I guess you've not read my update?

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friday16 · 17/12/2013 18:38

If your mum really wants to go she needs to drive herself though.

Precisely. It's Christmas Day. The roads will be empty. If she doesn't want to go enough to drive, she doesn't want to go enough for someone else to drive.

What's all this "navigate" crap? Have we found the sole point on the planet where the writ of the GPS satellites does not run?

Jomato · 17/12/2013 18:44

Given that the travel time is only 30 mins by car I think your sister is being unreasonable, I'm glad you've come up with a solution. I know a lot of people who genuinely do not feel able, or safe, to drive themselves somewhere unfamiliar alone so I don't think your DM is unusual in that respect. Christmas is about family and Christmas in hospital is miserable and lonely, what ever your DB has done he is your family and it's obviously important to your DM.

MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 18:54

Jomato That's it. I don't feel that she's being unreasonable in her not wanting to drive...she can't navigate unless she knows the route well and never goes to places she isn't familiar with. I agree that Christmas is about family and everyone should be happy and if that means DH is gone for a measly couple of hours but brother and Mum are happy then that's fine by me! I do feel better.

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StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 17/12/2013 18:57

Sorry. Missed your update & also thought the distances were much further.

Snog · 17/12/2013 21:40

can your mum stay in hospital accommodation near your bro?

MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 21:51

No need Snog. We've sorted it...upthread a bit, you must have missed my post.

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DeWe · 17/12/2013 23:00

I'm not willing to give up a big portion of my day like that.
If you're not willing to spare the time for your own brother, then how in the world is it reasonable to expect your bil to give up his time?

MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 23:03

DeWe Well I don't expecy Bil to give up his time. read the thread. I said that I wanted Mum to be happy...and I've sorted it out with DH now. Thanks for your useless input though.

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BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 17/12/2013 23:10

No need to get shirty - you asked for opinions. I'd be pissed off if i were your DH and you offered up my time on Xmas day after saying you'd not give up the time yourself but you've sorted it. He's a nicer person than i am.

Abbierhodes · 17/12/2013 23:10

I must say, you're being really arsey with posters for no good reason! Do you realise how rudely you come across?

NotYoMomma · 17/12/2013 23:34

your dh is either keen to please you and your family or he is a mug (imo)

how is he any different from bil?

you should have said no. its not down to him, esp for a tosspot brother

MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MrsUptight · 17/12/2013 23:40

Bob...he offered himself. Some people are just kinder than others.

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BackforGood · 17/12/2013 23:50

Now you've said it's only a 1/2 hour drive, then I think your sister is being unreasonable in saying her dh won't go - I thought in the first part of the thread it was a long way away. I wouldn't like to think of someone in hospital on Christmas day without any visitors. They could go early(ish) in the morning and then come back, relax and have a drink.
That said, I think your Mum is being silly in not taking any days off when other friends or family are going, and also in not driving herself if she wants to go for longer than an hour.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 17/12/2013 23:52

Oh well - so long as you're not inconvenienced...

Abbierhodes · 17/12/2013 23:55

Did you miss my post?

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