To think that visiting times on the postnatal ward are fine

[elliejjtiny]

Disclaimer: I've been stuck at home with puking DC for a few days so have more time to think about trivial stuff than normal .

Visiting times on the postnatal ward at my local hospital are partners all day (something like 9am to 9pm) and everyone else 2:30pm-5:30pm, 2 visitors per bed. No children except siblings of the baby and they can only come at normal visiting times. Children weren't counted in the 2 visitors rule thankfully so DH could bring our 3 older DC at once.

In NICU/SCBU parents and siblings are welcome anytime. Grandparents and other close relatives (not sure how they define this) can come 2:30pm-5:30pm but only with parents permission (this rule came in quite handy when MIL wanted to visit DS4 the first time I was allowed to go down to NICU after only getting a quick glimpse of him when he was born).

I was at a toddler group last week and some of the new mums/pregnant mums were having a whinge about how strict the visiting times are. Bearing in mind that most healthy 2nd+ timers are discharged straight from delivery suite so most of the women on the postnatal ward were quite poorly or their babies were.

I was in for 3 days recovering from c-sec and TBH I only wanted DH and the DC's to visit (antisocial emoticon). Because DH was looking after the DC's and DS3 in particular doesn't really do sitting still then I only saw him and them for 15 mins or so every day. I survived and so did the lady in the next bed who was also on her 4th DC so in the same situation. These women at toddler group were moaning that their friends children weren't allowed in and their friends were only allowed in 2 at a time. The mums of newborns had only been in for about 12 hours too .

TBH after a few of the other women's visitors had been pointing at me and speculating in loud whispers why I didn't have any visitors and why I didn't have a cot beside me I could have been quite happy to have all visitors banned (told you I was antisocial!). One of the other women whose baby was in NICU got her DH to bring in a big "it's a boy" helium balloon to show everyone that she had had a baby after a few nosy people asked if she was still pregnant and was the antenatal ward full?

IMO although it doesn't suit everyone I think there must be restrictions on visitors so that there is relative peace and quiet for new mums to recover.

[Xfirefly]

wow no idea why my phone sent so many messages . sorry

[Pinholes]

Visiting hours at our hospital are 8am to 8:30pm for partners and other children then 2pm to 3:30pm and 6pm to 7:30pm for other visitors. No more than three visitors per bed and (excluding baby's siblings) no children under the age of ten. No visitors at all, including partners, are allowed in between 12pm and 2pm as this is 'rest time'.

With DD (my second baby) I had an EMCS and the day after I had my lunch and then had a much needed nap during the 12-2 rest period. I woke up to find FIL, step-FIL, step-FILs DP, SIL, and SILs DP crowded around my bed noisily laughing and joking about this and that. When DH arrived with DS I asked him to help me to the loo on the pretence of feeling dizzy. I then discreetly 'asked' him to "kindly tell them all to get the fuck out".

I don't mind visitors but I do mind a circus trooping in and out and making loads of noise. As far as I'm concerned the time in hospital is my time to rest, bond with my baby, and start recovering from the pregnancy and delivery. The only visitors I need are DH and my DCs. I know people are excited about new babies but too many and too often is ridiculous.

I've already told DH that if I have a CS this time I want no visitors during the day except him and the DCs and that my mum will keep me company at evening visiting when he takes the DCs home for tea (she's going to be the one bringing in fresh things for me like clean baby clothes, etc).

[WilsonFrickett]

See Xfirefly, I do agree it would be better for your partner to stay for you. But as I staggered up the wall, covered in red angry scales, tootling my drip behind me with a huge blood patch at the back of my hospital gown, I just don't think that would have been better for me.

Do you see what I mean? I would have loved it if my DH had stayed, but it wouldn't have been right for the other women on the ward.

As Viva said above, the simple act of buzzing 40 men in and out of the ward all night as they go for food/toilet/fags will be enough to tip most MWs over the edge.

[WilsonFrickett]

wall = ward. I did go up the wall but only mentally. Not actually.

[pianodoodle]

I really don't want to end up on a ward now reading some of the things here!

Hope I can just go home next morning like last time.

I know some people think it's being precious and dramatic but to me it's still so wrong not to be mindful of a mum trying to recover from giving birth amidst all the fuss over a new baby :(

[cathpip]

Oh I so like the visiting hours rule and only 2 people per visit. Mind you after having my first via emcs after a long labour the midwives did relent and let my twin sister in under the husbands rules, she was due to go home later that day which was 300 miles away, pitiful sobbing from me did help!

[ZombieSanta]

I disagree with the partner thing.

When I gave birth, as a single teen mother, I really, really needed the emotional and physical support from my ex foster mother (who I consider a mother). I had no one else.

I think allowing only a specific primary supporter in for the 9am-9pm is fine, and I agree, it can be a godsend when the noise is over! But I know I'd have struggled without the support and being on my own.

[grumpyoldbat]

YANBU, I felt incredibly claustrophobic when I had dd1 10mums 11babies, 3 staff and more than 10 at many of the beds. Hell on earth. It was so noisy, felt so hemmed in with more than 50 people in one room, staff couldn't examine unwell patients or give out the medication because they couldn't move freely and were constantly interrupted, visitors demanding to use the patient toilets and banging the door shouting at you to hurry the fuck up. I was quite unwell so was in for 10 days, I begged daily to be allowed home even though I knew I wasn't well enough. Extend the hell of visiting OMG no.

[MiniSoksMakeHardWork]

I agree op. At least with ours. 8-8 partners and siblings of newborn. 2:30-3:30pm and 6:00-7:00pm (or thereabouts) for anyone else. 2 people to a bed. They didn't necessarily police the numbers to a bed strictly. But if anyone was creating too much noise the mw would come and remind people of the rules. They kind of averaged it out over the ward so if everyone had 2 visitors, they'd be strict. If someone else didn't have anyone then they be fine with another person having one or two more. I was grateful for that. Dh was bringing the inlaws for visits on early afternoon, which made 3 adults and 2dc when I had dts.

[tiredgranny]

our local mat hosp all single rooms pullout bed for partners

[FeckOffCupofMulledWine]

I would not have wanted anyone else's DH/P on the 4 bed bay I was in for 3 nights after giving birth. It was noisy and crowded at visiting times and cramped even without visitors with not much space between beds, having a blanket rule of new mums and babies only on the ward overnight is completely reasonable.

[LiegeAndLief]

I spent 4 weeks on a maternity ward and completely agree with visiting hours, even for partners. Yes it must be awful trying to look after your first baby the night after a cs on your own with mws too busy to help, but I think the answer to this is more hcps, not a ward full of men.

Like pp said, I would have loved my dh to be able to stay with me all the time, but I categorically would not have wanted anyone else's! Our hospital now has a limited number of family rooms so that partners and other children can stay over the odd night with ill women who are stuck in for a long time, which I think is a lovely idea.

[VivaLeBeaver]

If you'd had an accident and were admitted to a general ward you wouldn't expect your partner to stay. Yes I do get the "bonding as a family" thing but some of the families kicking off about not been allowed to stay the woman is antenatal!

We don't have restrictions on numbers of visitors during visiting times and its a nightmare at times. You struggle to get checks done on the late shift due to crowds round the bedside.

Then there's the breastfeeding women who refuse to attempt to breastfeed when they have visitors. Try pointing out that baby hasn't fed in seven hours and really needs some skin to skin, etc and they say it'll have to wait till visitors have gone. Two hours later the visitors are still there.

And at times when there's been empty beds and we've used our discretion and let a bloke stay overnight as his partners the only one in that bay they've taken the piss and I've found them at 3am asleep in one of the other beds!

[unlucky83]

YANBU for DD1 I had been told that you should give yourself time to adjust and I didn't have family nearby so didn't have any visitors except DP (who was still working so only popped in for a couple of hours a day).
I was in for 3 days, on my last day I asked the midwives to show me how to wash DD1's hair again (she had a head full - when they had shown me
I'd been up for 36 hrs). They were really busy, it was a nightmare, one of them filled the bath but the water was a bit too cold by the time another came to do the hair. DD1 was screaming and I was trying to get her dried and dressed to go home as the the 3 day baby blues hit. I was completely miserable, feeling useless and out of my depth standing over her in the incubator tears streaming down my face.
Meanwhile in my 4 bed bay there were two other first time mums, one had about 8 visitors and the other 14. I had my back to them but there were so many of the 14 lot there wasn't enough space round her bed. They kept jostling me from behind, no apologies etc and I didn't want to turn round/move/do anything cos I was so embarrassed by the tears.
Eventually one of the assistant helpers (not a midwife) came in to do something, noticed me and closed the bed curtains etc and helped me get sorted...I was never more grateful!
(And there is nothing worse than feeling miserable and having to listen to lots of noisy cheerful people)
I can't remember what the rules were - sure they were being ignored and two to a bed would have been more than enough...

[OddBoots]

I absolutely would not have stayed on a ward where non-staff men were allowed overnight, I've never felt so vulnerable as the hours after giving birth.

I really hope that wards offering overnight partner stays have alternative wards for women unable to be in such a situation.

The regular hours in the OP are absolutely fine.

[AnAdventureInCakeAndWine]

"If you'd had an accident and were admitted to a general ward you wouldn't expect your partner to stay."

Yes, but you also wouldn't expect to be woken up every hour or to be handed a 4kg set of weights and told to crack on with the reps just after abdominal surgery.

I'm not actually in favour of partners being able to stay all night, but if they can't then there does need to be an alternative source of help for poorly new mothers or those who've had sections.

[Ubik1]

I remember being induced on a day ward and the pain was quite intense.

Was not allowed up to delivery 'suite' (broom cupboard) as they wanted a 'quiet night'

Visitors everywhere, children charging about and I was puffing and blowing behind a curtain, feeling quite exposed and upset. Then a visitor pulled back the curtain and went yo get midwife- according to DP, I had my head in the pillow and my backside in the air.

Midwife then persuaded me to have a shot of diamorphine, which I initially refused but felt do upset at the visitors, kids etc that I agreed. Anyway felt the whole point if the diamorphine was to shut me up.

Anyway the drugs made me sleep but as I was drifting off I started breathing very heavily (I am asthmatic, it gets bad when I am stressed) and I heard a woman say "blimey, I hope I am not on a ward with her" which led me to start crying again begging DP to wake me if I made a noise.

When nightshift came on they were lovely, really nice HCA put me to bed and then put up with my profuse apologies when my waters broke on the bed she had just made.

I could go on...

[Sirzy]

I agree that visiting hours are right, and I certainly don't think partners should be allowed to stay. Wards are busy and crowded enough without doubling the amount of people there.

[bluecheeseforbreakfast]

I would have thought that the issue of having random other men (new fathers) in the room whilst you are recovering from birth would have been hugely insignificant when compared to the help you would get from your partner and more importantly the chance for the new dad to bond with his hours old baby.

I am sure that some new dads are awful abusive twats, but surely some new mums are also awful abusive twats and you have to share a room with them anyway.

The ideal situation would be an opt in and take whatever you get or opt and and be all alone with your newborn pollicy with seperate wards for those who want the dads to stay and those who don't.

If the dad stayed I would imagine there would be one parent awake at all times anyway, I was told that constant skin to skin contact in the forst few days was vital, are you allowed to co-sleep in hospital? I just couldn't leave my new baby (or any child) alone even if they were right next to me whilst I slept.

[Nanny0gg]

Ah - the old days!

In for a week with my first, two days with my second.
Strict visiting hours - two hours in the afternoon, two in the evening.
Fathers only in the evening. No more than two to a bed. No children except siblings - afternoons only. Two hour enforced naptime for mothers before afternoon visiting.

You actually felt like you'd rested and recovered before going home and getting on with it.
Lovely!

[TarkaTheOtter]

I would hate to be on a ward where men (or even female birth partners) were allowed to stay overnight. The other mums are bad enough for trying to recover.

As for general visiting, I wouldn't mind if that were banned tbh. Maybe those in for more than a few days but I don't think the inconvenience of all those extra people on the ward is necessary if you're only in for a few days.

I was on an induction ward for three days with dd (not in labour just waiting for a gap in delivery suite) and it was hellish - partners/tvs/phone calls all night. Some people don't seem to realise curtains are not sound proof. Fortunately was able to pay for private room after birth.

[Ubik1]

I was encouraged to co sleep (post op emcs, heavily drugged, no sleep fir 48 hours and they pushed a unit up against the bed to make sure DD1 didn't fall out.

The other two...well it was frowned upon but they let me do it

[Ubik1]

It's not really about new dads being abusive..it's just them being bloody annoying.

[AnneWentworth]

The first hospital I gave birth at had a free for all and it was unbearable. Not only did DH family descend for hours but so did everyone else's friends and relatives!!

I deliberately picked a second hospital and third hospital with restricted hours and a distance away from everyone.