about what people think about my little boy?

[LeBFG]

I winced inwardly recently on a couple of occasions where my 3yo boy has been doing stuff, totally harmless, and mums over reacting. I can't decide if I'm being overly precious.

The incidents are nothing especially interesting: DS was checking on a baby in a pram and mum barged up (baby was asleep) and pulled DS hard enough for DS to fall over. She just automatically assumed DS was going to wake the baby or do something nasty. I can't help feeling he would have been treated very differently if he was a girl. The other occasion was rolling around on the mat in playgroup - one mum smartly told him to watch it. There are two other girls of the same age doing the same thing and everyone was laughing good naturedly at them.

I know my DS is a gentle creature but I think a lot of people (women says DH) are seeing his sex and assuming gender stereotypes that just don't apply. This makes me feel sad and I wonder what the future holds for him.

Am I being a totally over-protective wobbly mummy?

It doesn't get any better as they get older..
DS is 13 now and on the odd occasion he came out with me and his sisters during the holidays he would quite naturally help his toddler sister on and off swings or walk her on her reins. Every time someone (usually a woman with smaller children) would make a comment about how she hoped he was being careful and gentle with his sister. If on the other hand my 8 year old daughter helped the toddler do something she got 'oh how cute, what a good sister you are'. I ended up sounding rather rude by the end of one day because I had to defend him 4 times and point out what a good brother he is to both of his sisters.
Christ even DH got comments about holding our youngest, one even expressed surprise that he was so confident holding a small baby! He's nearly 40
There seems to be a fear about boys amongst some people and the assumption that they all conform to the stereotype.

This where I find MN so odd - in one thread people are saying how disgraceful it is that any child leaves the house within 48 hours of having D&V, whereas in another people think it's perfectly reasonable to let their child breathe germs all over a baby.

I feel I have more of a middle ground where life must go on - I know that not everyone is free of bugs and therefore I do what I consider the pragmatic thing, let my children out unless I know they are highly contagious with a dangerous illness - and, if I'm out and about, protect the most vulnerable member of our family (a baby under 6-8 months). I accept that the rest of us are likely to end up with colds, coughs, D&V or chicken pox at some point given that many illnesses are contagious before they display any symptoms and that any normal healthy child or adult will not be put at undue risk by them so don't worry about it.

It's not odd at all Mumsnet isn't one person, it's loads of different people. You often get threads which skew a totally different way based on the first few posts, and some which change direction halfway through.

Plus the two things you post aren't mutually exclusive are they? I wouldn't take my child out if they had a contagious illness but I also wouldn't want to cocoon my newborn up against any potential "germ-ridden" children, unless they were ACTUALLY contagious with something!

I think you're being a bit odd and projecting your own beliefs about boys being 'oppressed' now in 'reverse sexism' onto your child. Though I don't think it's right for a stranger to grab a child if there isn't immediate danger, it sounds like maybe you should supervise a bit more closely? If you really believe it's people picking on him because he's a boy, buy him a pink shirt and let him wear hairgrips and see if it stops- but oh wait, you can't do that because he might catch girliness, and female is still in fact the discriminated against gender, right...

Actually, this has made me remember a horrible thread on mn aibu from a while back...

I think the start of the thread was to do with the rightness or not of gender segregated groups for children - Brownies v scouts etc etc.

(I tend to think they are not a good thing myself, but that's neither here nor there)

As a committed feminist and mother of boys, what shocked me was the way some posters were venting hatred of male dominated institutions and jobs (eg the City) and a generally sexist society by basically being angry at little boys.

I hate typing that even now. The attitude was basically 'why do boys need anything - the world is skewed in their favour, men get life handed to them on a plate compared to women, it's girls who suffer from sexism so fuck you, little boy.'

I was gobsmacked. As a feminist, I've always seen sexism as something that affects men and women, and it's a complicated picture - eg male privilege is endemic, and yet the suicide rate among young men is much higher than women (while women are more likely to self harm). As the feminist mother of boys, I see it as my job not to raise men who discriminate in terms of gender, to respect others and certainly to pull their weight domestically. Many other things too.

It would never have occurred to me in a million years that my little boys - loving, polite. respectful - might be on the end of such vitriol just because of their gender.

Fudge, I do think there is a risk I'm overanalysing. I've been thinking about feminism over the last few months, trying to understand the ideas behind different parts of the movement and figuring out my own stance. I think this means I'm watching very closely how people are interacting with my children (1 boy and 1 girl). I could be hypersensitive...but other posters on here seem to experience similar things. I have put nail varnish on DS...cue sniggering from women and a 'you let HER do that to you?' mock outrage from Grandpa (HER referring to me )....I've seen a lot of what I call recruitment from other males towards DS. With DD she is too little so far: I'm sure I'll be posting about her a year from now .

DS2 is a chatterbox. He talks well for his age (2) and I think people think he's older than he is. I can't get him to stop talking unless he's asleep pretty much. Nothing harmful really just what's that? i can see a ....., where are we going? type stuff. a running commentary of what we're doing. Cue cats bum faces from the parents of quiet children, often but not always girls, with their colouring books etc. I was one of them apparently. My dad seriously took me to a performance of Handel's Messiah when I was 3 and I sat through it still and quiet with the occasional sweet.

When my son was 3 I was hauled in to see the HT of his nursery who told me that my son had bitten a little girl.

I rolled up my son's sleeve to reveal an enormous bruise and teeth marks on his arm and said "Was her bite like this?"

The HT was astonished and said "Well she must have retaliated after your son bit her."

Really?
Nobody witnessed anything. There are 2 children with bite marks on their arms but the assumption was that the boy had instigated aggression based on nothing other than prejudice about his gender.

It's strange as just today I saw a woman shopping (had her adorable DD with her), she was looking at tanks and seemed interested. The woman serving (looked Asian/Turkish or similar background) told this woman some information about this tank and the girl seemed unhappy. Then the woman serving said "Daughters get left behind when you have kids don't they"? . So in some cultures it's girls who suffer. No child should, whatever it's gender.

I think OP said her DS was 'checking' on the baby, not coughing and shouting in its face. Honestly, some of you are being way too precious - and are probably those afore mentioned parents who believe that theirs is the only baby in the world.

OP, I think you were only U not to have stomped after the silly cow who knocked your DS over!

How sad. . All this isn't familiar to me (and I DO have a very boisterous boy). But no one has typecast DSs ever, in such awful ways. My girl is quite maniacal when she gets in a mood, too.

I think I recognise what you mean.

I had 2 girls and my friend has 2 boys. Our youngest are the same age (3.5) and both complete handfuls.

When we're out in public, though, it's always her DS who gets 'told off' by other people, even though they're both a handful (and yes, we do parent them and tell them off, etc, but the two of them are best buddies and really go over the top when they're together)

I have two girls, not had .

Unless they were about to run out into a road or something, I would be mortified if I pulled a child so hard that they fell over.

FWIW, people are always saying "Boys!" if their male child does something loud/naughty/annoying. It drives me insane! The worst offenders are the mums with one of each so every difference they see in the child MUST be because they are male, not that they are simply a different child or have forgotten how boisterous, whatever, the eldest used to be. I have 2 DS, both different to each other and never put things down to gender, partly because I have no girls to compare things or and partly because I don't think it's very helpful. That's not to say I don't think boys and girls have different needs btw.

Oh yes cake "the boys will be boys" response annoys me - no, your child misbehaved, apologise properly please.

Cakecrumbs

I agree. I think it's interesting having two of the same gender who are very different. It makes you question gender stereotypes. I also agree that some parents with one of each are tempted to ascribe their differences to gender and not personality or birth order, which are equally important, IMO

DrCoconute

Your DS can't be a chatterbox, because everyone knows boys speak later, and less skillfully that girls

than girls